Well 11 days since the last post. End of the journey after 6 months. I have left the job. How do I feel??? Still confused is the answer. Still feeling like i have failed. I finished on Thursday after a 7 days in a row, 3 closes in a row which obviously meant late nights and getting in very late. My last day was an 8-5 shift so a few hours sleep after the close the night before then back to it. I have to admit I was rather distracted for the whole day. The team didn’t want me to go and were constantly reminding me of the fact as the day went on. Deep down I did not want to leave but needs must. I have to do it for Number 1, I have to do it for my health. As I sit here writing this trying to remember all the details of my final week it has struck me that I have not had a hot or proper meal for coming on maybe 2 weeks now!!!! Shocking? Well yes it is! Do I feel worried about this?? I should do yes. But I just don’t!! It is how the brain is working as shocking as it is. I met up with the lady who does the alterations at the job I was in before the last one. We had good catch up on how things were going for me. As ever I was completely honest with her, explaining how I felt what was going through my mind on a daily basis. Sometimes I surprise myself at what comes out of my mouth……
We sat in the coffee house as I went through how my mind works and how “the voice” dictates my every move. I look back on the conversation now, analysing, picking through everything I said to her. I freely admitted that I do not want to be like this. Why anyone would want to get themselves in a situation like this is beyond me, but sadly people do and it is heart breaking.
I do not want to be obsessed with counting calories, I do not want to be scared of putting food in my mouth, I do not want to be scared of carbs, I do want to go days or weeks without a proper meal, I do not want to “just about” make it through a day due to feeling weak and low, I do not want to wake up every day and before I can even do anything I have to turn on my calorie counter and pedometer, I do not want to have to do 3 sets of my work out, I do not want to analyse and work out how I am going to structure the little I do eat, I do not want to look in every mirror and see if the “fat face” is coming back, I do want to feel cold all the time.
All I want is to feel normal again. As we sat there at the height of lunch time she caught me looking at all the food that was being delivered to the tables around us. Do you not want anything? She asked. Of course I do I replied. Trouble is I cant, the moment I put food in mouth I am going to regret it!!! “The voice” will punish and taunt me, inevitably I will also restrict even more after the meal has been eaten. As I stated in the last blog I’m frustrated with the whole situation. It sounds easy doesn’t it? Put food in your mouth eat it end of story……… You climb inside the brain of someone with an ED and you enter a world of trouble, confused, conflicting feelings roam freely, bullying all rational thoughts that get in the way. It is madness as I keep saying. I took Number 1 for a Mcdonalds on Friday evening. My god I do not know how I coped? All I wanted to do was just dig into her chips once she had had enough of them. Grab the last handful and stuff them into my mouth and scream FUCK YOU VOICE ITS OVER!!!!!
Obviously that did not happen, as much as i wished it did. Fine line between wanting to do that and actually stopping at the point of no return as it were. However it is not a point of no return, its the start of the recovery process…………..Something that is way overdue.
I write this blog as often as i can and as i have stated so many times before, i get the impression that i am repeating myself time and time again. To a certain degree i am repeating. I have found that that is what my ED is. Groundhog day! A never ending circle of repetitive actions and thoughts.
Saturday was yet another groundhog day. Even though i was with Number 1 it was still a day of being restrictive on food and working out what and when i could eat, if anything at all. Truth be known i was starving all day but did i want to eat? No! I spent most of Saturday evening regretting eating dinner for the second night in a row!! I mean wow 2 nights in a row having food!!!! Such a sin isn’t it? What have i turned into? A food monster!!! Pathetic!!!
Its all bullshit though isn’t it? Lets be honest looks, body image, diet, fitness, healthy living etc……… At the end of the day we are all going to die. We will all be laid to rest or burnt or however our respective families decide how to immortalise us at the bitter end. So why should i live my life in such a restrictive and ordered manner. Why? I shall tell you why because i feel i have something to prove to other human beings who have absolutely no interest in my well being what so ever. I am a classic over thinker. I think the worst of every situation and then make it 100 times worse. It then spirals out of control to the point where there is no return and when the fall out comes it is worse than it should have been in the first place. I have been told on a number of occasions to “look forward, never look back, the past cannot be changed”. This line is correct of course, you cannot change the past with the wave of a magic wand. I am sure we all wish that that could be the case. If we had the wand i am sure major events would be erased from history. For example millions of Jews would have lived in peace instead of being wiped out on the say so of one despot. I am not going to get into a religious rant because i do not want the debate. I respect everyone’s views of religion and beliefs. My interpretation of the Adam and Eve story from the bible is that God gave them an instruction not to eat the fruit off a certain tree. They were tempted by not just the snake, but their own curiosity. How many of us have been told we cannot do something, but because we have been told no it makes us want to do it even more…… just to see what happens. All of us i am pretty sure?? Where am i going with this you may well ask?? Well…… I shall tell you. I made the mistake of letting certain people down and have regretted it ever since. To start with i was angry with myself! Why shouldn’t i be? I mean these actions drove me to a life of seclusion. After a while i thought fuck it! Lets prove them wrong lets do this and do that lose weight get the great job etc………… Did i need to lose weight? Maybe a couple of pounds but not to the extent of where i am now!! Now bare with me this will all make sense. I am going to cut to the chase…………..
Now think back to what i said about the snake tempting Adam and Eve and the fact that their own curiosity got the better of them too………… Right! Now here is where i hope it comes together and you understand what the fucking hell i am banging on about.
I started to get fit, lose the pounds to prove i could do it, to erase the anger and guilt of what i caused. However the more i looked into the fitness and regimes i started to be curious about what i was reading in certain fitness posts that i had seen on social media and the internet. “Eat this to lose weight” ” Do this exercise to become more toned” “Only eat this after exercise” “10 foods to help you burn more calories whilst at the gym”. We have all seen them lets be honest. They pop up on our news feeds as adverts and suggestions simply because we posted that we were going to the gym that evening…….. Click bait. I was sucked in. What had i to lose? Nothing i had already lost a lot, i may as well see what this was all about. I bought into it. I tried it, i saw results. Yes these ideas and suggestions may well be correct and if followed properly they do help you lead a healthy lifestyle. But it engulfed me, these suggestions took over my every waking thought. The more i read the more curious i became, i tried these out all at once. (See the Adam and Eve connection now?) You may well be sitting there thinking “well its his own fault. Not enough will power or just plain silly to believe everything you read on the internet” You are possibly right. But when you are rock bottom with guilt and remorse you will do anything to make you feel better about yourself.
All ED’s and other related mental illnesses all start in a variety of ways. This is my story of how it all started. Others who suffer all have their own triggers and i feel for each and every one of them. You can read their story, my story, each has the same base line a feeling of being inadequate, not fitting in , feeling that this is how they should look, act, etc…………
One of the many lovely gifts that i received as a leaving present from various people at work was a mug with this message on it………..
A true sentiment which i am sure many follow. Trouble is i do know what makes me happy anymore. Whether the new job i am about to start will make me happy or not is a question that will only be answered as the days, weeks and months go by. As for things in my personal life spending time with Number 1 makes me happy of course it does, but things that i do when i am not with her is a whole new ball game!! I do not know what makes me happy anymore? Things in my life that i thought made me happy are just cover ups to keep my mind busy from “the voice”. To rid myself of him is one thing i have said before needs to be done, but he has become as someone stated a friend, someone i can rely on, no matter how bad he is for me………………..
*Dedicated to all those who continue to support me.
Peace and Love