My name is Matt Christian and I have an eating disorder. Excuse me? I’m lost????

Well 11 days since the last post. End of the journey after 6 months. I have left the job. How do I feel??? Still confused is the answer. Still feeling like i have failed. I finished on Thursday after a 7 days in a row, 3 closes in a row which obviously meant late nights and getting in very late. My last day was an 8-5 shift so a few hours sleep after the close the night before then back to it. I have to admit I was rather distracted for the whole day. The team didn’t want me to go and were constantly reminding me of the fact as the day went on. Deep down I did not want to leave but needs must. I have to do it for Number 1, I have to do it for my health. As I sit here writing this trying to remember all the details of my final week it has struck me that I have not had a hot or proper meal for coming on maybe 2 weeks now!!!! Shocking? Well yes it is! Do I feel worried about this?? I should do yes. But I just don’t!! It is how the brain is working as shocking as it is. I met up with the lady who does the alterations at the job I was in before the last one. We had good catch up on how things were going for me. As ever I was completely honest with her, explaining how I felt what was going through my mind on a daily basis. Sometimes I surprise myself at what comes out of my mouth……

We sat in the coffee house as I went through how my mind works and how “the voice” dictates my every move. I look back on the conversation now, analysing, picking through everything I said to her. I freely admitted that I do not want to be like this. Why anyone would want to get themselves in a situation like this is beyond me, but sadly people do and it is heart breaking.

I do not want to be obsessed with counting calories, I do not want to be scared of putting food in my mouth, I do not want to be scared of carbs, I do want to go days or weeks without a proper meal, I do not want to “just about” make it through a day due to feeling weak and low, I do not want to wake up every day and before I can even do anything I have to turn on my calorie counter and pedometer, I do not want to have to do 3 sets of my work out,  I do not want to analyse and work out how I am going to structure the little I do eat, I do not want to look in every mirror and see if the “fat face” is coming back, I do want to feel cold all the time.

All I want is to feel normal again. As we sat there at the height of lunch time she caught me looking at all the food that was being delivered to the tables around us. Do you not want anything? She asked. Of course I do I replied. Trouble is I cant, the moment I put food in mouth I am going to regret it!!! “The voice” will punish and taunt me, inevitably I will also restrict even more after the meal has been eaten. As I stated in the last blog I’m frustrated with the whole situation. It sounds easy doesn’t it? Put food in your mouth eat it end of story……… You climb inside the brain of someone with an ED and you enter a world of trouble, confused, conflicting feelings roam freely, bullying all rational thoughts that get in the way. It is madness as I keep saying. I took Number 1 for a Mcdonalds on Friday evening. My god I do not know how I coped? All I wanted to do was just dig into her chips once she had had enough of them. Grab the last handful and stuff them into my mouth and scream FUCK YOU VOICE ITS OVER!!!!!

Obviously that did not happen, as much as i wished it did. Fine line between wanting to do that and actually stopping at the point of no return as it were. However it is not a point of no return, its the start of the recovery process…………..Something that is way overdue.

I write this blog as often as i can and as i have stated so many times before, i get the impression that i am repeating myself time and time again. To a certain degree i am repeating. I have found that that is what my ED is. Groundhog day! A never ending circle of repetitive actions and thoughts.

Saturday was yet another groundhog day. Even though i was with Number 1 it was still a day of being restrictive on food and working out what and when i could eat, if anything at all. Truth be known i was starving all day but did i want to eat? No! I spent most of Saturday evening regretting eating dinner for the second night in a row!! I mean wow 2 nights in a row having food!!!! Such a sin isn’t it? What have i turned into? A food monster!!! Pathetic!!!

Its all bullshit though isn’t it? Lets be honest looks, body image, diet, fitness, healthy living etc……… At the end of the day we are all going to die. We will all be laid to rest or burnt or however our respective families decide how to immortalise us at the bitter end. So why should i live my life in such a restrictive and ordered manner. Why? I shall tell you why because i feel i have something to prove to other human beings who have absolutely no interest in my well being what so ever. I am a classic over thinker. I think the worst of every situation and then make it 100 times worse. It then spirals out of control to the point where there is no return and when the fall out comes it is worse than it should have been in the first place. I have been told on a number of occasions to “look forward, never look back, the past cannot be changed”. This line is correct of course, you cannot change the past with the wave of a magic wand. I am sure we all wish that that could be the case. If we had the wand i am sure major events would be erased from history. For example millions of Jews would have lived in peace instead of being wiped out on the say so of one despot. I am not going to get into a religious rant because i do not want the debate. I respect everyone’s views of religion and beliefs. My interpretation of the Adam and Eve story from the bible is that God gave them an instruction not to eat the fruit off a certain tree. They were tempted by not just the snake,  but their own curiosity. How many of us have been told we cannot do something, but because we have been told no it makes us want to do it even more…… just to see what happens. All of us i am pretty sure?? Where am i  going with this you may well ask?? Well…… I shall tell you. I made the mistake of letting certain people down and have regretted it ever since. To start with i was angry with myself! Why shouldn’t i be? I mean these actions drove me to a life of seclusion. After a while i thought fuck it! Lets prove them wrong lets do this and do that lose weight get the great job etc………… Did i need to lose weight? Maybe a couple of pounds but not to the extent of where i am now!! Now bare with me this will all make sense. I am going to cut to the chase…………..

Now think back to what i said about the snake tempting Adam and Eve and the fact that their own curiosity got the better of them too………… Right! Now here is where i hope it comes together and you understand what the fucking hell i am banging on about.

I started to get fit, lose the pounds to prove i could do it, to erase the anger and guilt of what i caused.  However the more i looked into the fitness and regimes i started to be curious about what i was reading in certain fitness posts that i had seen on social media and the internet. “Eat this to lose weight” ” Do this exercise to become more toned” “Only eat this after exercise” “10 foods to help you burn more calories whilst at the gym”. We have all seen them lets be honest. They pop up on our news feeds as adverts and suggestions simply because we posted that we were going to the gym that evening…….. Click bait. I was sucked in. What had i to lose? Nothing i had already lost a lot, i may as well see what this was all about. I bought into it. I tried it, i saw results. Yes these ideas and suggestions may well be correct and if followed properly they do help you lead a healthy lifestyle. But it engulfed me, these suggestions took over my every waking thought. The more i read the more curious i became, i tried these out all at once. (See the Adam and Eve connection now?) You may well be sitting there thinking “well its his own fault. Not enough will power or just plain silly to believe everything you read on the internet” You are possibly right. But when you are rock bottom with guilt and remorse you will do anything to make you feel better about yourself.

All ED’s and other related mental illnesses all start in a variety of ways. This is my story of how it all started. Others who suffer all have their own triggers and i feel for each and every one of them. You can read their story, my story, each has the same base line a feeling of being inadequate, not fitting in , feeling that this is how they should look, act, etc…………

One of the many lovely gifts that i received as a leaving present from various people at work was a mug with this message on it………..

mug

A true sentiment which i am sure many follow. Trouble is i do know what makes me happy anymore. Whether the new job i am about to start will make me happy or not is a question that will only be answered as the days, weeks and months go by. As for things in my personal life spending time with Number 1 makes me happy of course it does, but things that i do when i am not with her is a whole new ball game!! I do not know what makes me happy anymore? Things in my life that i thought made me happy are just cover ups to keep my mind busy from “the voice”. To rid myself of him is one thing i have said before needs to be done, but he has become as someone stated a friend, someone i can rely on, no matter how bad he is for me………………..

*Dedicated to all those who continue to support me.

Peace and Love

Matt

19 thoughts on “My name is Matt Christian and I have an eating disorder. Excuse me? I’m lost????

      1. What does work with ED? (Asking for a friend.) 😊 What would you recommend to a 25 year old who is experiencing the first of this obsession? I don’t if it should be counseling or if there is a good book that might point him in the right direction.
        Thank you, Matt.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Well i would recommend counselling to start with. Get a referral from the doctor so that he/she can point this person in the right direction. Its good to catch these things early otherwise all sorts of trouble will occur down the line. Make sure they talk openly about their issues too. Always good to open up.. I hope this helps?

        Liked by 2 people

      3. This helps tremendously. Thank you, Matt. I’m hoping I can convince him to talk openly. I’m just now seeing signs of the obsessive calorie counting and exercise, so hopefully it’s still early. He has lost 60 lbs in two years, and seems intent on losing more.
        Thank you again for the advice Matt. 💕

        Liked by 2 people

      4. Sounds like he has a great support network in yourself. Talking openly as i have said helps immensely. One thing i would say is that he needs to recognise he has a problem before anything can happen. If he is anything like me he will deny anything is wrong to start with. You have to be patient for this step. I hope this helps.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I have only just woken up Matt, but I wanted to say that I’m glad you left your last job. It was doing more harm than good for you working in an environment like that. I hope this new job is not just more of the same. I also hope you won’t go picking up extra shifts at this new place any time soon. No…? ~shakes head slowly~ No Matt…

    Glad you had a kinda good day with your Number One.

    Hmmm yes Matt, hypnosis might just be that push you need to get that voice being quiet for a while. If it’s worked for you before, it might just work again. Cannot hurt to look into. Especially to get you eating more, you can’t go on not eating AND working for much longer. Not without some serious consequences.

    Anyhoos Matt, caffeine. I need to wake up! ~gives you a hug, kisses your forehead and wanders off looking for coffee~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the comment. Good morning to you. Hope it is not to hot over there. I have contacted 2 hypnotherapists this evening. I emailed them asking for information on whether they can help me. I am willing to try anything if i am honest. I think this new position does not offer the chance of extra hours. It has more rigid hours than the last one. I understand your concerns and i thank you for being concerned. It humbles me that someone who i barely know is worried. Thank you again. Hope you have a good day…..

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are most welcome Matt. ~gives you a quick hug~
        No, thankfully it is cooling down for a few days. Only 20 today! No hotter than 24 until saturda, then it will start getting hot again. WooHoo!

        Ahh that’s great news Matt. Hopefully something good will come of this hypnosis. I have my fingers crossed for you!

        Ohhh even better new Matt. No trying to wheedle some extra hours out of work for a while. Good, good!
        ~laughs and kisses the side of your head~

        ~chuckles~ Of course I worry Pet, I worry about all my *friends*. Those in real life and online. I just wished I lived in the same country. I think you need a bit more than words on a computer screen. I might not be there with you physically Matt, but I am there in spirit! ~gives you another cuddle~

        OKies, I’m off again Matt. Be good. ~kisses your forehead and wanders off into the darkness with a wave~

        Like

  2. Matt- I really engaged with this post. I relate heavily to it – my disorder started in almost an identical way and now I am stuck over-exercising and under eating. The voice in the head IS bullshit, but impossible to silence. Know you’re not alone

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes – you can see in my blog that I am having treatment with a dietician and therapist currently. It is ridiculously difficult and I am really struggling to make the changes. I understand there is no quick fix for us, but I never thought it would be this hard x

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Sadly it is hard. I am struggling daily. I am going to try hypnotherapy tomorrow to see if i can relax and erase “the voice” and the disordered behaviour that i am doing. I admire you for what you are doing. I cannot even think about increasing my intake at the moment. I respect you for trying to do what you are doing……..Keep going. I will let you know how the hypnotherapy goes.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Penny. You are right, if i don’t try then i will never know. It worked before so i can see no reason why i should not potentially work again. Thank you for coming in search of me. Its nice to know people are thinking of me. I hope all is well with you?

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Regarding your entry on eating disorders. For sure they are horrible and they are as individual as snowflakes but not as beautiful. The good thing about the eating disorders is that when you find yourself in a space , a place where the focus is not all about food, where the focus is just about live, and living fully, and being creative, and learning or re-learning, then most of what was an eating disorder can and does go into the woodwork. Just ideas, opinions, the bottom line is that almost all eating disorders begin and began with an obsession of food -whether one started out starving or started out feasting like a vintage King. And , almost always, a nice way to cure an obsession is to find a better obsession. Hence , creativity makes a great substitution .. Disclaimer, I’m no doc, nor do I want to be. But I am experienced since I’ve eaten food since the first year of birth. And that’s a lot of years . Smiles . Have a great week. If you can or would, kindly delete this message. If you can’t or won’t , heck, that’s okay too. It’s your blog. kook

    Like

    1. Thank you for your feedback. It is always nice to get comments and other opinions. You raise some good points. Sadly my ED did not start with obsession of food. It started with exercise addiction. Whilst i agree with you and you are certainly not the first to mention finding a new obsession as it were. As much as i would like to find one to keep me occupied it is not really as easy as that. The mind does not 100% switch off from food, it merely occupies a small corner from where it can still preach and make enough noise to still be heard. I am glad you are an experienced eater of food. I’m slightly envious as i used to be experienced too. Peace and Love Matt

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s