Now this is not a paradoxical blog about the end of the world. I have not gone all David Icke on you guys do not worry.
I am writing this to announce as from yesterday i ceased working at my place of work. I accepted a new position a month ago now. Over the past 2 years my life has taken many many turns, the biggest of these being my descent into anorexia and depression. I have made decisions over this 2 year period of which i am not proud of, i have blamed and triggered myself into the current situation of which you all know about, if you follow the journey to try and release myself from this eating disorder hell. The position i am taking is a step up from what i was doing. This is something i have been looking for, i crave progression in my career, i am not content to settle for anything less for Number 1. Some people may think i need to focus on my recovery and this is not untrue. I felt however that to concentrate on my recovery i needed a fresh challenge and a fresh outlook in my life. I have been going to interviews for awhile now. As with the interview process varying degrees of success are achieved. I have been turned down for roles and have in turn turned down roles. The role i am about to embark on is one that i am very much looking forward to. As i said it is a step up on the career ladder and a hopeful stepping stone for much needed happiness and satisfaction in my life. Something that has been lacking for a while now. I felt empty and unfulfilled in my last position something of which i am very sad about. I enjoyed the position when i very first started 4 years ago but as the years went by certain events and things happened that made me enjoy the role less and less. This of course is very sad but things change and move on, so now it is my time to move on……….
As i said my recovery is important and is very much foremost in my life. From the very first session with my private counsellor she told me it sounded like i was ready for the next chapter in my life and this is exactly what it is. A new chapter. I have spent to much time in my life wondering about the what ifs and what might have been’s. I have made some horrible horrible choices that i am not proud of as i said. So now its time to grab the bull by the horns and tackle things head on, no matter how scary. This new chapter is my chance to renew and reinvent myself. Sounds dramatic???? Hell why not!!!!!!!!!!
Now, the renew and reinvention is not going to be anything dramatic. General tweaks to my life and my outlook are going to be the main focus. I have learnt a lot in the last few months of counselling about what triggers my restricting. Addressing these is ongoing and i guess will be for a long time to come. At least i am addressing them that is what is most important. I do not ever think that the eating disorder will ever leave me. I hope to have periods, long periods in fact where “the voice” is non existent, this is of course something that i wish for every day at the moment.
I am not totally sure where this blog is going? It may well be the last blog on the journey for a while? I want to get back to posting fashion and lifestyle opinions which is the original purpose for my little corner of the web. I still want to keep you all updated with how i am doing so if i can up the frequency of the blogs i certainly will.
Over the past few months i have received some fantastic support from a lot of people that i did not really know cared that much. I wish to thank you all for the messages support i owe you all a huge debt.
As i said the journey will continue and will no doubt continue for a long time to come. I am still not out of the woods as it were, i have days where i restrict my eating, i have days where the person i see in mirror is the person i do not want to be, i have days where the “the voice” is just a constant annoyance to me.
This week i had an appointment with the dietitian. The result of the weigh in is that i have dropped a couple of pounds. I called this out as soon as i stepped on the scales, the restricting that i have been doing is of course the reason for the drop. After the weigh in the meeting turned to how i had been doing regarding the snack ideas etc………… I told her that whilst i realised that at all these snacks were healthy and good for me, every time i went to buy one of these my eyes would go immediately to the calorie count. She told me it would take time to get out of that cycle but it needs to be start soon.
She questioned me on my new job and how i would approach the eating with such varied shifts that i will have? I told her that i hoped things would just happen naturally for me. Not the greatest answer, i realise that. However it is what i firmly believe will happen. I see my days in this new position being very varied and that i would have no choice but to fuel my body in the correct way. I simply cannot afford to put myself in unnecessary danger due to my work load. Strength to get myself through the day is what i need.
The last week at work has been one of varying degrees of emotion, whilst i am sad to be leaving, i am excited and focused at the same time. Like i have stated earlier i crave this progression and now i have it i am certainly not going to let “the voice” get hold of me and ruin what i believe is the stepping stone to being happy and being myself again. I wrote in a very early blog that i did not know who i was anymore. I guess to a certain degree that i am still not 100% sure? I have certainly learnt a lot about myself throughout this journey so far, what i am capable of and what my triggers are. I have also learnt who i can trust and who i can rely on. I do not have many friends in this world but there are a few people who i can confidently call friends. These people have been wonderful and i will reward them by getting better and being a success in my new job.
This new chapter is all about finding my place in the world. Do we really all know our place in the world? I suspect that we do not? But i am going all out to find my place. I feel that i do not fit in in my current location although i have lived there all my life. With this new start hopefully it will lead to a whole new avenue of fresh and exciting prospects………….
I end this blog on a sad note. A guy i know who i was very proud to have known for many many years passed away yesterday. He had bravely fought cancer for a number of months but lost his battle. It certainly brings a whole lot of things into perspective and makes you sit up and think about how short this life really is…………………………RIP Paul x
Until…..Well maybe next week……….
*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me
Peace and Love