My dear friends. The end has come! A new chapter is about to begin…….

Now this is not a paradoxical blog about the end of the world. I have not gone all David Icke on you guys do not worry.

I am writing this to announce as from yesterday i ceased working at my place of work. I  accepted a new position a month ago now.  Over the past 2 years my life has taken many many turns, the biggest of these being my descent into anorexia and depression. I have made decisions over this 2 year period of which i am not proud of, i have blamed and triggered myself into the current situation of which you all know about, if you follow the journey to try and release myself from this eating disorder hell.  The position i am taking is a step up from what i was doing. This is something i have been looking for, i crave progression in my career, i am not content to settle for anything less for Number 1. Some people may think i need to focus on my recovery and this is not untrue. I felt however that to concentrate on my recovery i needed a fresh challenge and a fresh outlook in my life. I have been going to interviews for awhile now. As with the interview process varying degrees of success are achieved. I have been turned down for roles and have in turn turned down roles.  The role i am about to embark on is one that i am very much looking forward to. As i said it is a step up on the career ladder and a hopeful stepping stone for much needed happiness and satisfaction in my life. Something that has been lacking for a while now. I felt empty and unfulfilled in my last position something of which i am very sad about. I enjoyed the position when i very first started 4 years ago but as the years went by certain events and things happened that made me enjoy the role less and less. This of course is very sad but things change and move on, so now it is my time to move on……….

As i said my recovery is important and is very much foremost in my life.  From the very first session with my private counsellor she told me it sounded like i was ready for the next chapter in my life and this is exactly what it is. A new chapter. I have spent to much time in my life wondering about the what ifs and what might have been’s.  I have made some horrible horrible choices that i am not proud of as i said. So now its time to grab the bull by the horns and tackle things head on, no matter how scary. This new chapter is my chance to renew and reinvent myself. Sounds dramatic???? Hell why not!!!!!!!!!!

Now, the renew and reinvention is not going to be anything dramatic. General tweaks to my life and my outlook are going to be the main focus.  I have learnt a lot in the last few months of counselling about what triggers my restricting. Addressing these is ongoing and i guess will be for a long time to come. At least i am addressing them that is what is most important. I do not ever think that the eating disorder will ever leave me. I hope to have periods, long periods in fact where “the voice” is non existent, this is of course something that i wish for every day at the moment.

I am not totally sure where this blog is going? It may well be the last blog on the journey for a while? I want to get back to posting fashion and lifestyle opinions which is the original purpose for my little corner of the web. I still want to keep you all updated with how i am doing so if i can up the frequency of the blogs i certainly will.

Over the past few months i have received some fantastic support from a lot of people that i did not really know cared that much. I wish to thank you all for the messages support i owe you all a huge debt.

As i said the journey will continue and will no doubt continue for a long time to come. I am still not out of the woods as it were, i have days where i restrict my eating, i have days where the person i see in mirror is the person i do not want to be, i have days where the “the voice” is just a constant annoyance to me.

This week i had an appointment with the dietitian. The result of the weigh in is that  i have dropped a couple of pounds. I called this out as soon as i stepped on the scales, the restricting that i have been doing is of course the reason for the drop. After the weigh in the meeting turned to how i had been doing regarding the snack ideas etc………… I told her that whilst i realised that at all these snacks were healthy and good for me, every time i went to buy one of these my eyes would go immediately to the calorie count. She told me it would take time to get out of that cycle but it needs to be start soon.

She questioned me on my new job and how i would approach the eating with such varied shifts that i will have? I told her that i hoped things would just happen naturally for me. Not the greatest answer, i realise that. However it is what i firmly believe will happen. I see my days in this new position being very varied and that  i would have no choice but to fuel my body in the correct way. I simply cannot afford to put myself in unnecessary danger due to my work load. Strength to get myself through the day is what i need.

The last week at work has been one of varying degrees of emotion, whilst i am sad to be leaving, i am excited and focused at the same time. Like i have stated earlier i crave this progression and now i have it i am certainly not going to let “the voice” get hold of me and ruin what i believe is the stepping stone to being happy and being myself again. I wrote in a very early blog that i did not know who i was anymore. I guess to a certain degree that i am still not 100% sure?  I have certainly learnt a lot about myself throughout this journey so far, what i am capable of and what my triggers are.  I have also learnt who i can trust and who i can rely on. I do not have many friends in this world but there are a few people who i can confidently call friends. These people have been wonderful and i will reward them by getting better and being a success in my new job.

This new chapter is all about finding my place in the world. Do we really all know our place in the world? I suspect that we do not? But i am going all out to find my place. I feel that i do not fit in in my current location although i have lived there all my life. With this new start hopefully it will lead to a whole new avenue of fresh and exciting prospects………….

I end this blog on a sad note. A guy i know who i was very proud to have known for many many years passed away yesterday. He had bravely fought cancer for a number of months but lost his battle. It certainly brings a whole lot of things into perspective and makes you sit up and think about how short this life really is…………………………RIP Paul x

Until…..Well maybe next week……….

*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me

Peace and Love

Matt

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My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey………………………….

Sunday has rolled to us yet again. Hope you are all well?

I finished the mid week blog on an optimistic tip. After last Sunday without Number 1 things returned to normal. The usual Sunday antics. After completing a tough week i needed the day with her.

“The voice” has been quite loud since Wednesday, again i have continued the restricting. I am very annoyed with myself this is several steps backwards in my eyes so i must sort this. Now this coming week is a big week for me. Dietitians on Wednesday will bring the inevitable weigh in. I can tell that this will not be a good weigh in, i will be very surprised if i have gained anything. Well lets be honest i am gonna have lost anything that i have put on since the last meeting.

Thursday back at work and a quite morning was causing me to let “the voice” have its own way. Time after time it was dictating how my day of eating should go. I mean, i have said this before how something as life giving can dictate and take over your every waking thought is beyond me? Sadly this is what was happening and i felt there was not one thing i could do about it. I accepted this as the status quo. Lunch time was just an absolute non event, i have this list of things that i need to do to get better and i cannot even do the simple one let alone move along to the next thing on the list.

Friday was a depressed day i just could not really get my head around anything. I threw myself into work to try and make sense of things. Again restricting was in full swing and i felt i was losing control. I was so so tempted to just forget eating all together, i did not even feel hungry so “the voice” put the idea in my head that i did not need to bother. I fought back a little and managed lunch although still with the carb missing.

Saturday came and went in the blink of an eye if i’m honest work was busy in periods, with lunch taken late so the excuse to restrict was valid according to “the voice”. I DJ’d in the evening which by the end of it i was struggling quite badly.

Sunday as i have already said was spent with Number 1  we mainly chilled out went for a walk along the river in the morning, fed carrots to some very pushy horses which followed us along the river bank from their field as we tried to get away.  The afternoon was spent with her cousins all equally as mad as each other i suspect. I dropped her back later in the afternoon so she could see her nanny and grandad before they went away on holiday. I stayed until early evening so i could help her with her homework. All in all a much better Sunday than last where i struggled so badly…………

I talked a few blogs ago about the importance of carbs in everyone’s diet. The information that i was given about carbs is something i still read but i am still to believe fully that what i am reading is right. I mean this is medical advice here! This is the advice i need to heed.

Here are few other bits from the information that “the voice” thinks is absolute rubbish and do not need to be taken in.

What happens if i don’t eat enough carbohydrates?

If you are short of glucose, stored glycogen and fat, your body will start to break down your lean tissue and muscles and use them as an energy source. This is you body’s last emergency fuel source.

This not only affects the muscles in your limbs, but also your heart muscle and those muscles used to support your breathing. These are essential for life. Eating carbohydrate will avoid this.

Right so a very important paragraph. We can all agree on that. Well!!!! All except “the voice” he puts this to one side. The sooner i can stop him from poisoning me against recovery and happiness the better. Other bits and pieces i need to take heed of too…………

Carbohydrate Myths

“Eating Carbohydrates after 6 pm will make you fat”

Not true! There is no evidence for this. Carbohydrates are broken down and used for fuel no matter what time you eat them.

“By not eating carbohydrates, you will lose weight quickly”

Not true! To store each gram of glucose requires 3-4 grams of water. This is known as water weight. This isn’t flesh weight. By not eating carbohydrates, your body will use stored glucose (and the water stored with it) as its energy source. You will lose water which causes short-term weight loss, which stops quickly. This is NOT a reduction of flesh weight.

Limiting overall dietary intake, including that from carbohydrates, will trigger your body’s starvation response. Starvation induces several behavioural and physiological changes in the body. As the weight drops, the metabolism slows to conserve energy and stores. 

“I don’t need carbohydrates in my diet”

Not true! Carbohydrates are the brains number one fuel. Without a regular intake the brain begins to shut down and cannot work effectively.

Now everything in these statements “the voice” has made me believe to be false! As with the ones i posted a few weeks back “the voice” makes me see them in a totally different way. The task ahead is to reverse the thoughts that i read on various sites as i embarked on my ill fated fitness journey.

A little change of direction from the original blog i was going to post. I thought it would be better to mix it up this week, part journey and part fact based. Hope you enjoyed the insight………………

A very important week coming up this week so i am desperate for it to go well.

*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me

Peace and Love

Matt

 

 

 

My name is Matt Christian and i have a an eating disorder. The journey…………………………..

Mid week blog for you all. Why? Why not!!!

I spent Sunday without Number 1. I just have to say it was the hardest day i have spent for a long long while. I woke up my normal time, immediately i knew i was in trouble. Question rolling through my head was “What am i going to do with myself?” I am 100% positive “the voice” was awake before i was. I made my breakfast as usual, ate that and then attempted to just sit and relax and watch a bit of tv in bed. Was that happening?? Ooooooh no!! I felt guilty for just sitting there! I mean what on earth is that about???? How can someone feel guilty for relaxing?? Amazingly feeling the guilt  is something i can do very well!!!! As i sat and tried to watch the news, “the voice” had put some heavy marching boots on and was barking orders like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in Full Metal Jacket!!!  “UP YOU GET YOU LAZY S.O.B” I mean this was actually like he was in the room at one point!!!!!!!

 

 

I wish i could say that this was an exaggeration.

So up i got. “Got to be on the go lets not stop”. As it happened i was due to meet my alteration lady and her husband at 10 am to go for a walk and a tea. But it still would have been nice to just sit around until it was time to go and meet them. It didn’t happen “the voice” was barking “up up up”. So i was up and around……. I had nothing to do but at least i had appeased “the voice” by getting up. The walk was nice although was a bit windy and rainy at one point but hey good to get some fresh air in the lungs. “The voice” was quiet during this time which was like having Number 1 with me.

After the tea and some chit chat it was time to go our separate ways. This is the time i just knew i was going to struggle. I am not going to go through a blow by blow description of my day after this simply because i do not wish to put you through what i went through, plus i do not fancy reliving it again. Suffice to say restriction was at the full front of my mind. No matter how hard i battled against it i let myself down.

Now giving that i had let myself down on Sunday i was determined to start the new week on a positive……. Needless to say as we reach Wednesday i am struggling with positives. On Monday i decided to make a list of my triggers, things that set me off restricting and generally being overly critical and giving in to “the voice”. Trigger count so far is up to 8. I think that could possibly be it? However  you just never know? More could be lurking around the corner.  I have started a list of positive triggers to work towards, i think if i have these alongside the negative ones then i can look over these whenever the negativity hits. So far oddly enough i have 8!! So all level. I am going to find more positives than negatives simply because i need to win at all costs!!!

Tuesday came along and i restricted quite badly. I cannot even put my finger on one particular trigger that set me off?  I just think it is a mixture of them all at the moment.  I must regain some focus and get back on the road to recovery.

As sit here typing this on a Wednesday evening after another day of restriction.  It was mixed day off emotionally too.  I spent the morning catching up with an old friend which was nice, it was good to catch up with her and also to keep “the voice” just a little whisper in the background. He must have known that later on i was to pick Number 1 up from school. We spent a lovely late afternoon and early evening together i helped her with her homework and also listened to her read. Always love it when she reads to me. “The voice” again goes quiet during these times and it is lovely!!! The peace is amazing.

As for the rest of the week? Well i have no appointments but there are  still plenty of things to think about and try to implement before next weeks ones. One step at a time………………………….

*Dedicated to those who are supporting me.

Peace and Love

Matt

My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey……………………….

Hey guys hope you are all well??

Blog time again. Cannot believe where the time goes.

As is traditional a Sunday blog comes to you.

This week has been again a week of ups and downs.

Now i am going to start on the diet route this week if i may?  As we all know eating disorders have a hugely negative effect on diet. We have seen throughout my journey how my constant anxiety around food ruins my whole day in essence. My mind is in constant overdrive thinking about when my next meal is, what it should be, how much i have eaten so far throughout the day, have i have done enough exercise or been moving around enough to warrant the meal.  A particular trait of mine and in fact many who suffer from eating disorders is we have safe foods. Foods that we go to or have on a constant rotation. These are foods that “the voice” has deemed acceptable to have and that will not cause me to put weight on or be bad for me as it were. Now my safe foods consist of the following :-

Porridge (breakfast)

Quorn Sausages

Chicken

Vegetables, Corn on Cob, peas, spinach, fine beans, broccoli, asparagus

Fruit such as apples, melon, kiwi, pineapple, blueberries

All look healthy? Of course, but as we can all see it is lacking and is incredibly bland there is no variety. This is the sad state of where i have got to in my struggle. No carbs which is obviously a massive problem! The dietitians are working with me as we know to try and add more into this diet. To put weight on and to start to appreciate food again is the aim of the game. I think i have said this before but i get this horrible horrible thought in my head that i do not want to put weight on. It is not a good thought to have considering i am underweight and very much aware that my health depends on overcoming this.

Snacking is not a bad thing. With an eating disorder it is important to implement these. I used to love the odd snack between meals but now i consider it the ultimate sin…….. Well when i say i consider it the ultimate sin i mean “the voice”. The dietitians as i have  mentioned before have suggested a list of snacks all of which are healthy so here is a quick recap on these:-

Carrot sticks and Hummus

Nuts and seeds

Dried Fruits

Smoothie/ Fruit Juice

Cereal Bar

Sushi

Apple with peanut butter dip.

These as i have said are all good and healthy snacks ideas. I am still in the process of trying to get my head round actually eating these. I have got to the stage where i go and look for these snacks with the best intention in the world to add them to my diet……..”The voice” on the other hand stops me dead in my tracks. I grab lets say the carrot sticks and hummus, its not a big pack its a small amount, inoffensive nothing major. I immediately check the calorie content on it, it then goes straight back on the shelf. Far to many calories “the voice” says cant have that. We have a meal in 4 hours we can last until then!!!! The fact that i am starving hungry my body aches has nothing to do with it. All “the voice” says is that the whole routine will be thrown out of order, the safe foods are good enough………………….

So where am i at for this week? Well a very good question? The reading material is still being read and some days it slots nicely into my mind, i have still to take any positive action though.  I am still in the frame of mind that everything is ok? It is an odd feeling? I have my days where i am floating as it were towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Other days i am running headlong into a brick wall, no matter what i do i still find it a struggle. This of course is all part and parcel of the eating disorder.

As we move into October, i am sitting here thinking over the last few months. I am grateful for all the support i have received and continue to receive. I must admit having the counselling is helping, it has helped me find some of the triggers to what is going on. It still does not make it any easier to cope though on some days. I have days where i am in positive lets move forward mood and other days i just feel like running away.  I have yet to find all of my triggers but the ones that i have found are mighty strong. Whilst i am slowly coming to terms with some things others i am finding very difficult to let go of. Pangs of regret and frustration creep up on me on a regular basis. Certain memories and visions flash up and i can’t help but sit and wonder if only????

‘If only’ small words that have such a powerful effect on the human brain.  I must move on and sort out what is important in my life right now. Number 1 is top of that list she must have a father that is healthy and can provide nothing but the best for her. At the moment i feel i am not doing that and that to me is failure. Stepping on this road to recovery is tough and there are days when i think to myself i am just happy to be in this state, at least i no where i am at in my life. This however is not the mindset i should be in. Recovery should be the norm as i was told today by a fellow blogger and sufferer. She is a wonderful example of where i need to get to in my life, reading her blogs is very much like looking in a mirror very scary i have to say………….. The last paragraph of her latest blog is spot on. If she does not mind i wish to conclude my blog with this very paragraph.  I very much need to take this on board……….

Currently i have only a few days sporadically when i do not hear “the voice”. Maybe i am expecting to much? I don’t know i just would love to have a prolonged period where i can concentrate on other things apart from the constant thoughts of calories in food and restriction.

I am not sure how the end of this blog is sounding at the moment. As i write “the voice” is up at full volume. A day without Number 1 has certainly made him chirp up and make me feel rubbish about myself. I am at my wits end if i am honest…………………………………….

As promised i will finish with the last paragraph from a blogger i follow.

Anorexia can be beaten, it might rear its ugly head up again once in a while – but it will only prepare us for the next time, so we know how to defeat it again. At one point various things would trigger me into a restrictive cycle, now there are very few triggers left. I’ve managed to handle the majority and can get through a day without a thought. Heck, sometimes I even get through a week without the anorexic voice appearing and trying to control my life. As tough as things feel – whether you are at the start of your recovery journey, five years in, or suffering with an eating disorder – you are stronger than the beast.

Check out her fantastic blog.

https://trottinginlondon.wordpress.com/

*Dedicated to those who are supporting me.

Peace and Love

Matt

 

My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey………………………….

We have arrived at Sunday!!!!

How did that happen?? Another week down. The inevitable countdown to that time of year that we all love?

As i said another week down. The journey continues……….

Since my Thursday post not a whole lot has happened. Well lots has been happening up in the old grey matter. The reading material that i have been given is still being looked at. Whether it is going in i have no idea?  I have taken to reading it at meal times to see if that makes any difference? This way of doing things was suggested to me by the dietitians. I guess it is a way off taking my mind off of the safe foods and to push my mind into thinking “hang on, maybe what i am reading here can be tried? I am willing to try it. I just have to introduce more carbohydrate into the diet. “The voice” is kicking up some serious arguments as to why this should not be the case…………………

As i have said before i have such an aversion to Carbs it is not even funny. The reading material i have read and re read is still not making a whole lot of difference to me. This information that is provided is paramount to my survival and to everyone’s survival. It is as simple as that really! So what is it i have been reading? Here is an example taken from the material………..

So what is a Carbohydrate?

Carbohydrates – starches and sugars as they are commonly known – are an essential food group that provide energy. When they are digested they are broken down into glucose, which is the body’s basic fuel.

Glucose is then carried around the body by the blood and is used by the body for energy.

Carbohydrate is the nutrient which has the greatest effect on our blood glucose levels and is the body’s first option for energy.

Ok so there it is the very first paragraph of the material that i have been given.

So the basic question is…………..Why the hell cannot i not believe that????????

Here is the first paragraph as “the voice” sees it. 

Carbohydrates – or fat causing food stuffs as they are commonly known – are not an essential food group. These contain basic evil substances that cause your body to look fat and of course make the fat face return.

Carbohydrate is not needed in your body Matt we can survive and look great without it!!!!!!!

Now this is the a typical example of the power struggle that is engaged in my head. I totally get the paragraph and the small logical voice in my head is totally on board with this scenario. “The voice” however, the rampant bully that seems to think he knows best has just beat poor old “logical” into a corner to which he is afraid to emerge from. Each morning i wake “logical” is up early and whispers “lets do the carbs today, lets push on.” “The voice” seems have this uncanny ability to wake as soon as “logical” speaks. “Hey hey hey shouts “the voice”. Whats all this??? Come on now, back over there please. Matt is fine as he is. He has just enough throughout the day. Porridge in the morning i am letting him have that…… Roll at lunch time some of the time!!! That is more than ample. Do we want to see him with the fat face back????? Do we want to see him ridiculed????? No!!!!!!! So back you go and i will call for you when we need some proper advice!”  This argument sounds absolutely insane but i can honestly say that this is just one of many that happen in my head all day everyday.

This whole little play in my head reminds me of a British Cult Tv programme call Red Dwarf. If you have time have a watch of this little exert from an episode Called Confidence &Paranoia. It is very similar to what my head is up to……….

 

 

 

So if you watched the exert, i hope you can sort of relate to what is going on inside my mind on a daily basis. Confidence as you can see makes Lister believe he is invincible. I do not wish this be confused with my lack of confidence. I am just trying to highlight the powerful effect suggestions can have on the brain. I am not going to go into a full psychological discussion the exert is purely for example purposes to make people better understand how my mind is working. I’m sure you all have your views which i would always like to hear………….

Friday and Saturday were work days as ever, with DJ’ing in on Saturday night. I am trying to stay focused and really push myself to make “the voice” a little more silent as i make my way through the day. Some of the day i can keep him quiet other parts especially meal times it is not so easy.

Sunday spent as ever with Number 1 another great day “the voice” hardly making an appearance until the bitter end when he rears his ugly head.

I start the new week as i start every week, wanting to make progress. I tell myself that this is the turnaround week. So far the turnaround has not happened “the voice” always seems to have this habit of ruining the moment as it were. Get him shackled and under control i believe i will get to grips with this…………

One step at a time is the sentence that i use a lot these days. True but patience is not one of my traits.

*Dedicated to those who are supporting me

Peace and Love

Matt

Respect……………………

Do we earn it? Yes. Living in this world is hard enough sometimes. But without respect it makes things so much more difficult. I am not going to preach because i am far from perfect when it comes to respect. I have disrespected many throughout my life and for that i am truly sorry.

I am purely writing this as a form of therapy for myself. Instead of getting wound up and keeping it in i thought i would place on the screen. Like i said i am far from perfect but what have encountered the last few days to say the least has tested me to within an inch of blowing up!!

I will not go into detail because it is not worth my time. I just want to say a few things on the subject from my point of view in my little corner of the internet.

I get that people do not like certain people i get that. But to go around and blatantly disrespect someones hard work and passion in full view is one of the most hurtful things i have ever seen.

You may have your own ideas of how things should be but at least have the respect to maybe consult with the person before you just storm in. That person has worked long and hard to get to where they want to be in their particular field, to see it destroyed systematically in front of their eyes is the lowest of the low in my opinion.

Like i said i am far from perfect hence why i am not going to go full on into detail.

All i ask is have a bit of class. Maybe that is to much to ask of certain individuals. It is a sad state of affairs but hey. Its off my chest now…………………

Do with this as you will. You have a different opinion? Please let me know i would love to hear from you.

Peace and Love

Matt

My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey……………………

Well its midweek i thought a short blog to pass the time until Sunday.

I had a meeting with dietitians on Wednesday morning. An interesting one it has to be said. Having not been weighed for what must be a month now, that was first on the agenda. I was not completely sure if i wanted to know?  Steps forward is what i need. So on the scales i got. Result? Well i had gained! Not much mind you but a gain is a gain in this world. I now weigh 49 kgs, that is 7 stone 7 lbs. 2lbs may not seem much in a month but its a step forward as i said. The meeting was with a new dietitian along with one that i had seen before. Discussions i felt were going to be a little backward seeing as the new person had not seen me before. However this was not the case. After the weigh in the discussion turned to what help i needed to gain weight. I am still way off what is deemed an acceptable weight for my height and age. The dietitians worked out that i need to be around the 9 stone mark!!!! Now for a “normal” person the thought of putting on 2 stone is a big thing. For someone in my position putting on 2 stone is paramount to climbing Mount Everest. I am not 100% sure if the 9 stone mark is where i want to be at? “The voice”  had a full on panic attack at this thought, to be fair i had a mild one at this thought too! I mean can i really do it? Can i put this weight on? What will i look like? Will i look better? Will i be happier? Will the FAT FACE come back? All these questions are racing through my head at this current time. Can i answer any? No i can’t. The dietitians certainly believe that this is what i need.

As the meeting progressed we discussed adding more carbs. Other food stuffs were suggested too. The need for snacking between meals to get the calories in me to get to the weight they feel i need to be at. All this was hitting me hard. For so long now i have not thought about anything else except losing weight. Now i have to reverse the whole thought process as it were. Such a difficult thing. We spoke long about what snacks that i would consider eating? Some people if asked this question would be able to answer it with relative ease. I on the other hand had no idea? All i knew was that it needed to like the safe foods that i am eating at the moment. This answer was of course not good enough.

Here is the list………….

Carrot sticks and hummus

Nuts, seed, trail mix

Dried fruits

Smoothie/ Fruit Juice

A few biscuits

Cereal Bar

Crisps (baked, lentil curls)

Sushi

Apple and peanut butter dip

Small sandwich

I just now need to get my head round to actually putting some of these into my body. I must admit there are a few on the list that i would not eat.

I was a little overwhelmed at all this. Having not had a meeting like this for awhile i was sitting there at one point thinking to myself, they are undoing all the work and progress i have made with my private counsellor. I was now going back to self doubt mode. “The voice” was starting to roam around like he had been given a new lease of life. This is most certainly not what i want. I firmly know where the dietitians are coming from don’t get me wrong. But like i said to them… It is all well and good giving me the lists, however i need to control “the voice” that dictates. I am under no illusions that i need to put weight on……… Its a tough puzzle and some of the pieces are yet to be found.

As i sit and write this blog with all of the material that i have been given to read in front of me, my initial thoughts are that all the work i have done with my private counsellor has indeed been undone! “The voice” has regained some power with all the food talk and suggestions. I am back to the crossroads…….

Well i shall see what the rest of week has in store. Maybe once i had read and re-read the material i will have a bit more of an understanding.

*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me.

Peace and Love

Matt

My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey…………………

Hey guys.

A case of writers block this week. So excuse me if this is a bit broken in places.

An emotional week is the way to describe it. I have made it to Sunday with many ups and downs.

The week of appointments was interesting and varied. I have made it to nearly 4 weeks without being weighed. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not? All the talk has been about the lack of carbs. As i mentioned last week i had a massive fat face week last week, body checking etc…………… The fat face thoughts are slightly receding but for some reason i have still managed to cut lots of things out again this week. Again i feel ashamed of myself.

“The voice” has proven to be the enemy as is normal, it has me doubting whether i will ever get better?  I described it last week as falling back into the trap. I am determined to beat this evil  bully that has me thinking the more ill i am the better i am. He does not want me to succeed. I have managed to claw myself away from the edge of total abyss.  I can tell you one thing i will succeed and have made a significant step this week. Sadly i am not prepared to share fully at the moment but things will be explained in due time. There are a few people close to me that know but i have sworn them to secrecy for a short time.  This will now be the thing that i will focus on to get me back to full health.

Monday back to work with the mindset of sorting my head fully out. I immersed myself fully into work. Lunch time came and the struggle was immense. This insignificant bread roll is causing me so much trouble. I mean its a bread roll! To “the voice” however it is the cause of the fat face. If i can only push “the voice” aside at meal times the battle will be half done. Lunch done in record quick time. Back onto shop floor to keep myself moving and burning these all important calories. Such a shocking and rigid way to live is all i could think to myself as i got on with the afternoon tasks.

If Monday was bad then Tuesday was horrendous!!! A very quiet day at work. Body checking was the order of the day no matter how much i tried to stay away from the mirror, it was like a magnet drawing me back time and time again! Lunch was a repeat of Monday “the voice” firmly dictating the play. When i can finally get my hands round this bully’s neck i am going to ring it so bloody hard.

What i have found with this whole issue is the fact that my relationship with food has totally broken down. It has got to the point where i trust absolutely nothing that gets put in front of me. This does not just go for me. Eating disorders right across the board have exactly the same effect. Unless you go through it yourself you cannot even begin to explain to someone what goes through your mind when it comes to thinking about and actually eating food. As you know i try every week to explain to you guys in the best way i can. To explain it in its raw and naked form is near impossible. I keep writing it in every blog but it never looks right to me. Hence why i keep thinking i repeat myself a lot………………

Wednesday and a day of keeping myself busy and trying to not let “the voice” be too dominant. I think he is finally getting the message. On the days that i see Number 1, he seems to back into an area of my mind that i can lock him in. Its an odd but nice feeling having him be so silent for so long. I picked up Number 1 from school and we made our way home talking about her day an d he upcoming gymnastics club which she has joined. It is so good to see her gaining an interest in something extra curricular. We spent the rest of the afternoon playing and eventually cleaning out Rosie the hamster. As is traditional as my time with her draws to a close “the voice” seems to find a way out of the area he has been locked in for most of the day. I must learn to keep him there for longer periods, the more i can keep him there the better.

Thursday was a day of mixed emotions.  A final meeting with the brief intervention counsellor from the NHS. I actually went into the meeting not expecting to get much out of it seeing as i was now paying for private counselling. I had not seen her for a few weeks, so there were a few things that she needed to catch up on. I explained to her how i had not been weighed and the fact that the carbs had been dropped. I also informed her that i had resorted to private counselling to which she was not surprised at. I told her that whilst i knew the dietitians had their job to do i felt that they were not really listening to what i felt i needed. After all, i do know my own head and what is going on in there. It is disappointing that it has come this late, but she has finally come to the realisation that talking  and explaining what is going on in my head is very important to me. We finished the session with her asking me a few questions that she asked me at the assessment. These questions ranged from thoughts about myself and how i was handling certain day to day situations. To my surprise the answers i gave her this day were all better than the initial ones at the assessment. This showed her i was moving in the right direction. She made various notes which she was to pass on to the eating disorders team who i have another meeting with next week. She also asked me if i felt it was worth seeing them still? If i am honest i told her i am not sure??? I explained it is all well and good them recommending what i have to do to get my weight up but if “the voice” in my head is not letting me and i am not doing anything to address that then there not much point seeing them. She to my surprise again agreed with me!! Finally albeit to late i had got my point across!!! Its sad that it had to end like that. Before and during the meeting i received two bits of news. One which was good, one sadly which was bad. So an emotional one for the final session. We discussed being put on the “pathway” as they call it. This basically means i would be referred to a counsellor. This she informed me could take up to 9 months!!! The resources that are available in our health system in this country are so stretched! Hence the potential wait. I find it very sad that they have to operate in such a way. I told her if the wait was that long it was hardly worth my time considering i was having private counselling which was helping me so much……….

Thursday, Friday and Saturday were better days for me. I managed at points to lock “the voice” away. The good news i had received on Wednesday was driving me through. Although meal times “the voice” managed to loosen its shackles enough to ruin what i thought was progress. I had my private counselling on Friday evening. The session involved lots of emotional bits from my past. Further pieces of the puzzle put on to the table to be dissected. Its quite an eye opener having all these pieces in front of me, it is showing me how much of my life i have spent blaming myself for things that have either been out of my control or the fact that i made them an unnecessary problem. My depression and anxiety have waned somewhat since these sessions have begun, i just need to believe that i can get “the voice” to loosen its grip to allow me to start living my life again.

Sunday and “the voice” locked up for the majority of the day i made my way and picked up Number 1. We had a lovely day bowling, gathering conkers as we made our way to the play area at the park. We had lunch (“the voice” managed to unlock the cell again and dominate for another mealtime).  We then went and visited my sister and her boys. She loves her cousins and they love it when she is around. All sorts of mischief for them to get up too. Sadly all to quickly the day drew to a close. Time to drop her home. As i made my way back the usual emotional feeling bubbled to the surface. I described it like a train in an earlier blog. I still feel this is the best way of describing it. This feeling will forever stick with me whenever i leave her………………………

A new week is about to begin. For the first time i enter it with a small sense that i am finally moving in the right direction. I am firmly holding onto the good news i received on Thursday. I am not letting “the voice” take this away from me. Can i do it????? Only time will tell……………….

*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me.

Peace and love

Matt

My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey……………………

Hey guys. Hope you are well and your week has been kind to you?

I sit here writing and deleting still wondering whether to end the blog?

After all the feedback i would like to say thank you for all the kind messages of support. I would also like to say to those who i am inspiring please feel free to contact me should you have any questions.

Another week has gone. I have had no appointments at all this week so not really much to report on that front.

I have had another tough week with “the voice”. He has been very prominent in making me believe that my struggle is futile. He has made me believe at many points that giving in is the best option. If i’m honest i had leaned towards the giving in as i had done last week. The only thing that has kept me on the straight as it were is reading your wonderfully kind comments. As i said above i thank you all. I have also read some quite inspiring blogs this week which have given me that little ray of hope in a world that is enveloped in a near veil of darkness. One particular blog was a girl who wrote a letter to her eating disorder! This blog nearly moved me to tears. What she wrote was exactly what i want to scream out to myself daily. I wrote to her to let her know what a wonderful read it was, how it was exactly how i felt. Maybe one day i will be able to say these things or even write a similar letter to my eating disorder.

As this week has progressed i have slowly gone backwards in my eyes. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at work immediately fat face thoughts came back!!!!!!!! This as we all know is one of the things that triggered this illness in the first place. Since then i have not been able to concentrate on anything. I have been analysing what i have been eating to make the face come back!!!!! Consequently i have been cutting the little carbs that i do have out of my diet. This in turn has negative side effects of course. My hands and my body has started feeling colder again. Even though the temperature has dropped slightly as we exit summer i should not be feeling as though i need to wrap up warm. Sadly a side effect of this illness is the fact because i have no fat on my body i get cold very easily. Added to this i ache all over, i am more tired than i already am. This is all because i am not fuelling my body.  A simple standard thing for any human being to make it through a day, yet i am not doing this all because i feel the fat face is coming back. “The voice” has taunted me this week about the fat face, i gave in and took a picture of my face on Thursday night!!!! I deleted it immediately i did not like what i saw one bit!!!!!! Equally i felt total disgust with myself for going back to something i thought i had got control of. Did i get too complacent? I have no idea? I knew things were to good to be true. Without warning i have fallen back into the trap! Thoughts of giving up have invaded me again, “the voice” on a constant loop of saying to me “No point fighting me, i will always win”  As i write this i am certainly believing “the voice”………………………………

I visited the dentist on Tuesday, naturally having not been for a while i had to answer a little question on a form. Have there been any changes in your health that we should know about??? Answer is of course yes. The visit was just a check up, thankfully the dentist found nothing serious which is good. Osteoporosis is something that i have to be careful of as i struggle with this illness. I could very well develop it in later life.

Here is a little definition in case you are not 100% sure.

Osteoporosis is a condition that weakens bones, making them fragile and more likely to break. It develops slowly over several years and is often only diagnosed when a minor fall or sudden impact causes a bone fracture.

The most common injuries in people with osteoporosis are:

However, they can also occur in other bones, such as in the arm or pelvis. Sometimes a cough or sneeze can cause a rib fracture or the partial collapse of one of the bones of the spine.

Osteoporosis isn’t usually painful until a fracture occurs, but spinal fractures are a common cause of long-term (chronic) pain.

Although a fracture is the first sign of osteoporosis, some older people develop the characteristic stooped (bent forward) posture. It happens when the bones in the spine have fractured, making it difficult to support the weight of the body.

Who’s affected?

Osteoporosis affects over three million people in the UK.

More than 500,000 people receive hospital treatment for fragility fractures (fractures that occur from standing height or less) every year as a result of osteoporosis.

Causes of osteoporosis

Losing bone is a normal part of the ageing process, but some people lose bone density much faster than normal. This can lead to osteoporosis and an increased risk of fractures.

Women also lose bone rapidly in the first few years after the menopause (when monthly periods stop and the ovaries stop producing an egg). Women are more at risk of osteoporosis than men, particularly if the menopause begins early (before the age of 45).

Many other factors can also increase the risk of developing osteoporosis, including:

  • long-term use of high-dose oral corticosteroids
  • other medical conditions – such as inflammatory conditions, hormone-related conditions, or malabsorption problems
  • a family history of osteoporosis – particularly history of a hip fracture in a parent
  • long-term use of certain medications which can affect bone strength or hormone levels
  • having a low body mass index (BMI)
  • heavy drinking and smoking

I have highlighted the body mass factor. This is where i could potentially be at risk, my future self could very well be in for all manor of health problems. Do i want this for my future???? It seems to be the direction i am heading in sadly.

The rest of the week has passed in a anorexic haze as i shall call it. Every day i have been carefully constructing excuses for cutting this out, cutting that out etc…… WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? Is what i have been thinking to myself. “The voice” has been replying in typically bullish fashion. ” You are doing well. You are looking good, this is the look that will get you accepted. This is the look that will show people how well you are doing” This of course is utter utter rubbish, but the strength and conviction of “the voice” makes it impossible to go against it.

I do not have any idea when or if these thoughts will ever stop or if they do will they ever leave me completely?? Only time will tell i guess.

So what else have i been up to this week? Well Wednesday i was in London for work. I made it back in time to see Number 1, who lasted just one day at school before having to have two off with a raging temperature which her mother could sadly not get down. A doctors visit determined it was viral so a case of just having Calpol and hoping it would go away sooner rather than later. I turned up and lots of daddy hugs were given which i hoped helped. I do not like seeing her unwell i feel so helpless just the worse feeling in the world. Thankfully the Calpol was helping and that perked her up enough for her to help me clean out Rosie’s cage, give her new bedding etc………….I left early evening time as she was off to bed for an early night having been up and down most of the night before.

Thursday i just felt absolutely drained and depressed all i could do was face and body check, i was looking for every flaw and finding it!! My friend at work told me she wished i could see what everyone else sees,  this is the veil that “the voice” has thrown over my eyes and over my mind. Finding fault after fault. I wish i could jump out of my body, shake and shout at myself until it finally hits me. Again the question arises will this ever happen???

A needlessly stressful day at work Friday mainly bought on by my need for constant perfection and for doing things right. Being tired and generally overthinking was a major contribution. Again food was and cutting things out to get rid of the fat face was heavily on my mind. Having periods of not being busy at work does not help with the body checking.  I managed to make it through the day god knows how but i did!

Saturday a quiet day at work so more thoughts of fat face and fat body…………….oh the joy!!!! I was due to DJ in the evening too and i really was not feeling it. I do not know where all my enthusiasm has gone for something that has been such a huge part of my life for such a long time. I used to really thrive off the buzz of doing it, but lately i just find myself thinking what is the point? I guess this is the depression part of me that is creating these thoughts. I went along however and i must say it did make me feel better, although a very draining evening as the tiredness set in from a very long day.

Sunday was with Number 1 and we had a lovely day. A cold has come out in her so now we know the reasoning behind the early week temperature. She was still full of beans though. We had arranged to go shopping for the day, it is her mothers birthday on Friday so we had to go out and choose a present and card apparently she had plenty ideas her mother told me so all we had to do was choose a place to go. We ended up at Westfield in London. A nice trip on the train knowing that she likes that plus somewhere different to explore. The place was packed when we arrived not really surprising for a Sunday. Jewellery was the chosen gift for Number 1’s mother i wont say to much more as i know she reads this. Needless to say it is a very nice gift. The rest of the day we spent looking round the shops, i treated her to two new pairs of boots and a t shirt. I did not really want the day to end if i am honest. Again “the voice”  was hardly present, giving me some time off from its ridicule and bullying tactics which is always nice. But as is usual it returns to haunt me for another week as i make my way home from dropping Number 1 off.

Well i was unsure of whether it was worth writing this week. As i close i am still unsure if i should continue? I do have 3 days of  appointments this week with my various counsellors and doctors so maybe i will have something worth writing about! Who knows???

*Dedicated to those who are supporting me.

Prayers to those affected by Irma.

Peace and Love.

Matt

My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey……………………………

Well we have reached September!! Year is flying by…….

Hope you guys are well?

Sunday sees me back here again, giving you an update of my journey so far. If you have stuck with it from the beginning then may i just take this opportunity to thank you for reading and for your support.

I have been struggling to fill this weeks blog as i have had no appointments with my eating disorders team. I am however seeing my private therapist weekly which is of great help to me. As stated before i am not really going to discuss what is said between the two of us as i do not want these meetings out in the public domain. All i will say at this point is that “the voice” is being addressed and i am working hard to make him quieten down…………………………..

Monday was a bank holiday in the UK and having nothing better to do as Number 1 had gone away i went into work for a few hours. Mad on a bank holiday i realise that, but i have nothing else interesting to fill my time at the moment. I need to keep my brain active and to not let it be taken over by bad thoughts. I arrived at 8.30am and got on with what i needed to do. Clearing windows and tidying up the remnants of the sale. It’s quite nice to be in store with no distractions just getting on and making a dent into the tasks without stopping for customers and deliveries.  Sadly at just gone midday i had finished what i needed to do. Now the fun began. “The voice” decided it was very very bored and decided to start playing games!! Thoughts ranging from exercise to planning what i was to eat for the next few days. I was staying at Number 1’s house to look after the dogs and of course the hamster…….. Now being on my own gave “the voice” the opportunity to be extra bullying. “Lets do this, lets do that, lets not do this” etc………. I shut up the shop and drove over to the next town to get a refund on an item i had bought a week ago from a store. I was desperate to keep the mind active so “the voice” did not give me too much grief. After i sorted the refund i had a look around some clothes shops. Now this is something i absolutely love…or i used to. As i wandered round looking at all the pieces depression set in. I picked up various items that i like the look of and the realisation hit me full in the face……. EVERYTHING IS TO BIG!!!! These items were small in size but i knew full well that if i tried them on they would be hanging off me. T-shirts, shirts, knitwear, jeans, shorts, trousers, jackets, suits even!!!!!!!!! You would think this realisation would force the change,  fuck me! (excuse the language) it should do. “The voice” however has very different ideas. All i hear from him is “well you can stick that idea up your arse. All your clothes look great on you as you are.” The fight and conflict had started. I had to get out of the shop and quick!!!!!! Now for someone who is as in love with fashion as i am this is disastrous. I should not be in this position, although saying that the fashion industry has always had this reputation for giving an unrealistic view of the human body. From waver thin models walking the runways to magazine articles and pictures of celebrities etc…….. The obsession of the perfect look as it were???? Have i bought into this ideal too????????  This question has dominated my week and maybe i have indeed bought into this much to the detriment of my health.

Another piece of the puzzle which i have looked into is the fitness side of things. I joined the gym, started to get fit and lose weight etc. I read many articles on social media regarding the perfect workouts and diets etc. As i said in one of my earliest blogs i only ever set out to get to lose a bit of weight get toned etc. I never set out to be the calorie obsessed freak that i have now become. However the more i read the more obsessed i got. I had to buy into this ideal too. I was looking and taking far to much notice. Each day another fad diet another food that should be cut out to maintain a healthy body flashed up on social media or in my inbox. I read and excuse the pun i digested and believed everything it told me. Another on the list of triggers???   Quite possibly……………

The rest of the day was a blur if i am honest i retreated to the coffee house to try and lift the fog but it was not leaving me anytime soon. I have isolated myself so much that i just cannot get any positive thoughts in my head. Social interaction zero. Depression and anxiety around food. Yes this is all my doing.  I have known it for a while now but i firmly believe now is the time for me to move on to a new phase, new location, fresh surroundings, new challenge. I have a strong idea of where i want to be, i need to get better though. Surely that is your motivation right there to get better i hear you shout….. Yes you are 100% right. However “the voice” has a few different ideas at the moment…………………………..

Tuesday work as normal. Window dressers in store putting the new Fall window display in. As usual i spent the morning picking the outfits that were to go in. Busy is best for me as we all know by now.

Wednesday was day off. With Number 1 still away i had absolutely no idea how i was going to fill my afternoon. The morning was sorted haircut first thing housework at Number 1’s, then back to mine to for more housework. After this i met up with our alteration lady from work for tea (well she had coffee), we chatted for a couple of hours about how i was getting on with things and how i was feeling. It was nice to have that bit of social interaction which i talked about. I dropped her off home just after 1 and just drove to the next town again. The day was horrendous weather wise but i thought well better than going crazy lets have another go at looking around the shops. Surprisingly i done a little better than Monday. I wandered round looking at various bits and pieces other than clothes i did not fancy going back to Monday’s thoughts at all. The trip was a success i needed cheering up so i treated myself to some new fragrance. I also bought a pair of shoes from a little independent boutique which is run by a guy i used to work with many years ago. We had a nice chat as i was trying them on. I pleased that he is doing so well for himself.

Thursday to Saturday was work as. Friday evening after work was appointment with my therapist. This weeks session was better and more comfortable than last week. But like i said i have to talk about things i am not comfortable with, it is part of the process.

Sunday spending the day with Number 1, so all was good with the world. (Or was it?) I picked her up and as we drove i listened to what she had been up to for the week whilst she was away. She sounded like she had so much fun which was good. We spent the day at one of her favourite places, a local petting farm near to us. “The voice” was not heard for most of the day……. a first for a very very long time. I had still followed a restrictive diet throughout the day however. I had no thoughts of wanting to steer away from my safe foods.  Although after dropping Number 1 back home he decided to just let me know that he was still around,  and congratulate me for not wanting to “treat” myself. “You are finally seeing it the way your life should be mate” He felt like he was saying to me. I am actually scared at this point about the amount of control he has over me. I mean is this really how my life is to be run, am i happy for it to be run like this??? The answer at the moment is yes!! Why?? I have no clue? What sort of life am i leading where i restrict and have so much order that i can never just let my hair down and enjoy life?? I am so very physically and mentally tired these days i just do not have an answer to any of those questions.

I sit here on this Sunday night wondering if this shall be my last post. I am wondering if it makes any difference? Am i helping anyone? Does anyone actually read it and understand what it is i am actually going through or do people just read it just to be nosy? Again another load of questions that i do not even know the answer to? Maybe one day i will have some answers………………………..

*Dedicated to those who are supporting me.

Peace and Love

Matt