Hey Guys. Hope this week has been kind to you?
Another week has gone by. I sit here with just a couple of days to go until my first appointment with the eating disorder clinic. An appointment i am very glad is almost upon me. Like i keep stating i am ready to take the next step on getting myself right again.
Everyday i feel drained and emotional by this illness. As i leave Number 1 on a Sunday the dread surfaces and i have to mentally prepare myself for another week of fighting my thoughts and my obsessions. Although i have managed to break the fitness obsession of sorts, i still need to break the others which are holding me hostage……. If i could just delete the calorie app i would be much happier. Unfortunately i know that is not going to happen for a while just yet.
This week has been a “fat” week. I have felt fat all week. I have absolutely no idea what made me think it, but for some reason i woke up Monday and all i could think was that i feel fat and i look fat. The rational part of my brain is either not functioning properly at all or it has gone totally. Monday through to Wednesday night the pictures i take of my face were being deeply analysed as i struggled to comprehend that what i was looking at was not the same as what everybody else sees!! I have shown a few people these pictures and feel its about time i share a few of them here.
From left to right these are Monday through to Wednesday night. See a difference???? Your answer will almost be certainly no. For me, Monday is the result of my “excess” on Sunday. So Tuesday and Wednesday i punish myself by eating very little. Such a messed up way to live my life……. The only picture i was sort of happy with was the Wednesday offering. I felt happier with my face. Trouble is i was so so weak on Wednesday. The inevitable result of punishing myself.
As the week progressed through Thursday and Friday, my depression deepened. The constant thoughts of putting on weight bombarded my every waking moment. I have no idea what is driving these thoughts this week. I have woken every day this week feeling as though i have not rested what so ever. My body aching, drained but i cannot just stop and rest i have to keep moving to make sure the weight does not pile on………… Pile on!!!! I know… what a statement!!! I know how that sounds but its the way i am seeing things if i am not doing exercise then this is the only i can make sure i can keep the weight off. My brain is a harsh master for me at the moment, i struggle to comprehend the many thoughts that hit me all at once. Confusion reigns supreme. I feel that i have to justify my every action and meal to my mind. It rules me, i am letting it rule me because i am to weak to fight possibly??
Let me give you an example of the ruling……….. For breakfast everyday i have porridge (much more than i used to have e.g i used to just have an apple.) I have a cup of tea and then another tea when i am at work. I then starve myself until lunch time (even though at 11 am i could quite conceivably have a bit of fruit or even a biscuit with my cup of tea). Lunch turns out to be a late afternoon meal. I have it so so late just to make sure i have burnt off breakfast. A ham and salad roll is what i have everyday, i have fruit and a drink. Not much i acknowledge that but for me at the moment its enough. Well i say that very loosely………. It is no where near enough, considering i am on my feet all day…….. Now after this my body feels fuelled for the rest of the afternoon. This should be a good thing right???……WRONG!!!! I hated every bite of that roll. I do not mind the fruit after all its healthy!! Why i think like this god only knows? I mean i have no energy as i am going about my morning, so why am i feeling guilty about having energy???? Where on earth is the logic in that?????? The same can be said for dinner. Again starve myself until i feel that the lunch calories are gone then eat the evening meal mainly a bland but healthy mix of Quorn products and green vegetables. Still all in a small quantity. Fruit or greek yogurt for dessert. Both these i feel comfortable with. But again the harshness that has manifested itself punishes me for being full!!!! I will say at this point i have no desire what so ever to go and stick my fingers down my throat……. I just sit and punish myself mentally for eating!!!! This is the daily cycle. As i type this out i am thinking that this surely cannot be Anorexia???? This behaviour is just bizarre. What is wrong with me? I mean i literally hate myself so much that i could cry for fuelling my body. So the starvation begins again for the next day…………..
If i could disconnect my head for just an hour i would love that……. To sit in complete and utter serenity would be a dream come true. Meditation is something i am going to have to look at seriously. May well be the only way?? Nothing else i do is working so far.
I woke for work Saturday again feeling like i had been awake all night. I really had no energy for the day. A quiet day at work which made it drag severely. Everything i done was a huge task. Walking up and down stairs, bending down to pick things up, generally serving the customers all were a massive task for me. I knew exactly what i had to do but was my mind going to let me?? Of course not!! Cannot get fat, cannot get fat, must keep active was the broken record playing through my head. So i pushed on and on towards another late lunch. Today as a result of this i binned the roll and had a side salad for lunch plus the usual fruit. Pitiful! How was that going to fuel me for the afternoon. It didn’t of course, i felt just as drained plus i only sat down for 20 minutes or so. Needed to get back on shop floor to burn more of the nothing!!
Sunday i woke late, after a terrible nights sleep. I made my way over to pick Number 1 up lucky for me was also up late. I had no idea what we were going to do for the day, not that i plan ahead. I sometimes have a small idea what we are going to do then take it from there. Today i had no idea?? I asked her on the way and she suggested Museum of Power. She likes it there she loves to ride the little railway they have there, if i’m honest i like riding it too. Number 1 had her usual marsh mellows whilst i had my tea at the coffee house before hand. We then made our way down to the Museum….. Sadly there was a car meet at the Museum and the railway was not running. Gutted!!! What were we to do. Well as the weather was nice we decided to park up and take a little walk around a little place called Beeleigh. It is a nice little area right down by the river with some beautiful paths to explore. I had been there many times and i must say i love how peaceful and tranquil the place is, Number 1 loves the outdoors she goes on many walks with her grandad and his dogs and is always telling me how she enjoys it when they spot different animals. So as we made our way around spotting as much wildlife as we could which was great fun. We took various tracks through the wooded area i showed her the Abbey which is situated in the area. Apparently the place is haunted but i did not tell her that………… The day continued but with the constant nagging of calorie burning in the back of my mind. The walk obviously doing the trick. We ended our trek and made our way round to my sisters. Number 1 loves playing with her cousins and love it when they see her. We decided to take them to Mcdonalds for lunch. PANIC mode for me because as ever the choice of food is not the best for me. I settled for a SALAD typical reaction up in my brain this is not enough to sustain you but i cannot risk having anything that is to heavy as the weight will pile back on!!! Insanity reigning again. I try and eat as normal as i can in front of Number 1 as i do want her mimicking my actions as she grows older. The salad consisted of grilled chicken and bacon which has around 184 calories in it, now this is quite disturbing that i know the calories on a Mcdonalds menu but i do!!!! I had a bag of fruit for dessert. Number 1 fancied a Mcflurry after her meal so i forced myself to have a sugar doughnut (189 calories) just as a “treat”. Every bite was forced and i hated myself. Most meals now as i said earlier have this feeling for me. I look at myself in the mirror when i get home and check the face is not getting fat. Well not getting but is fat. We finished the afternoon by taking the kids to the park. They ran off and played whilst i had a conversation with my sister about the messed up brain that i am carrying around with me these days. As the day drew to a close the dread surfaced, the feelings i know all to well. Hate this time of the day as i have said so many times. I am sad that i am saying goodbye to Number 1 until Wednesday, but also knowing the struggle between me and my brain continues unabated. I ended up going for a walk, it got the step count up for the day along with burning off that “damn” sugar doughnut. Yes that is how i see it. Shocking i know…………
As Monday lingers in the background i have no idea what the week will bring?
Tuesday see my first appointment with the eating disorders people and a psychological nurse. At last some answers i hope!!! Now, i have this really bad nagging feeling that they will discharge me just as the first attempt at help did. I realise this is not going to happen (i hope) but i just cannot get the thought out of my head. Where will i turn should this happen???? I am thinking far to much ahead i know that but it worries me. Take each day as it comes is what i should be doing………………….
Well again we have reached the end of this weeks journey. I am getting paranoid that i am repeating myself each week? If i am i do apologise.
I am toying with the idea of writing a blog on Tuesday after my appointment? I will see how much info and help i receive during the session then make a decision.
*Dedicated to those who are supporting me…..
Until next week (maybe Tuesday)
Peace and Love