Sunday would not be Sunday without the blog i guess.
So here we are again…………
What has been happening? Well Monday i awoke after a broken nights sleep. I was still working away until mid afternoon when we made the 2 and half journey home. I spent Monday busy wrapping up lose ends to do with the work. Still feeling the effects of Saturday night i battled through the day. For what it was worth i really enjoyed the couple of days i spent at the buying convention. It really gave me an insight into a side of the industry i am desperate to get into. I love searching through the new collections and seeing what the trends will be.
I made the decision whilst away to take the rest of the week off. I just felt i needed to have a rest which is rare. Maybe this is all catching up with me finally.
Tuesday was a meeting day with the eating disorders doctor. This was to be my last meeting with this particular specialist. I am not sure whether i have mentioned before? She was covering the area until the return of the normal specialist who was away on maternity leave. My next meeting i will be meeting with her. We sat down after the weigh in which was not good at all. I am now at my lowest 48.0kg. This of course did not please her one bit. We discussed my activities of the past week since my last appointment. I explained how the snack is just not happening for me during the day. I went into great detail about how “the voice” dictates my every waking thought. Again i pleaded with her to start the therapy, again i was denied! I was told that i am still not at the point where therapy is a real option. I need to up the weight!! Now this in my eyes is sheer madness. I am ready to talk through my demons etc that have led me to this point in my life but, according to her my body and mind are not nourished enough to be able to cope. At this rate i will never be ready!! “The voice” as i keep saying is dictating, i need to address this voice to help me move on to get the weight up!! That makes sense doesn’t it??? Or have i truly gone insane??? She told me in no uncertain terms that her professional opinion was to go to the day centre. I do not wish to go! I am aware how that sounds. I just do not think that it is for me. She explained to me i need to change the habit that i have got into, it is very difficult but i just have to make the decision to dive in the deep end. Personally i am not brave enough to do that. The day centre will be that dive!! She admitted that she cannot make me go but its that or sectioning. Total control taken from me at this juncture. Admittedly it is a long way off of that, but it is on the horizon. Finally we discussed what happens now she is going back her own area. I will now be passed onto the returning specialist for the area. I will undergo a new assessment with her and see what her findings are. I feel like i am going right back to square 1. I will meet with this specialist next week in the meeting with the dietitians. Its getting all to much in my eyes. So many meetings but they all seem to end up with the same outcome………………. I guess with the dietitians we can discuss in depth what they feel they can do to help with the snacking dilemma? The meeting finished in what i can only describe as an anticlimax. I have reached the end of this journey with this particular specialist and it all felt a little awkward for some reason. She wished me luck on my journey and went our separate ways………………………………. I now have to wait a week until i meet with the regular specialist for the area. What that will bring who knows. Like i have already said feels like i am going back to square 1.
Wednesday was spent with Number 1. Having not seen her Sunday i was looking forward to seeing her. It also meant i could be as close to normal as i can be. “The Voice” tends to take a bit more of a backseat when Number 1 is around. I think it feels intimidated because it knows Number 1 is my world. We spent the day at a local petting farm. We have been a few times now and we find it a great little day out. Plenty of animals to see and feed which Number 1 loves. We saw the new additions to the farm, two very cute baby deer. After this we made our way to have a picnic lunch. This sadly is the point of the day where i find it very very difficult. ” The voice” seems to come right back to its screaming best. I have to be so careful when eating around Number 1 i cannot be seen to have a problem with the food i am eating. This is not the image i wish to project on one so young. I pray that she will never have to endure the sheer agony and pain of an eating disorder i do not think i would be be able to forgive myself if she were to go down the road i am walking at this moment in time. The day in ended in the age old fashion of dropping Number 1 off back to her mother. I do not feel i will ever get over the empty feeling i get whenever i drop her off. I just pray that she has had a good time and that she is happy with the time she has spent with me…….
It is very rare for me to wake looking forward to 2 days in a row. Thursday however i was off to London for the day….. I am not sure if i ever told you about my love for the nations capital city? In a nutshell i love the history, exploring, the vibe. Whenever i am there i feel the true me is around. My mind feels clear “the voice” quietens down considerably, i am comfortable i do not feel judged like i am in my current environment. I feel that this is the next step in my life. I am ready to move on from this place i call hell. Having woke as i normally do still feeling like i could sleep for a week i dragged myself up and got myself ready for the day. I was determined to not let “the voice”spoil my day……….. Ticket and tea purchased at the station i was off. I was not even sure of my plan for the day? All i knew is that wanted to go, just get away for the day. Explore, discover,learn, shop, be the real Matt for 2 days in a row. Something that has not happened for such a long time. I know there is a version of him somewhere inside of me that i may actually find i like! As we pulled into London i already felt myself changing. It is such a strange feeling i am really sure how to describe it?? Calming i think is the only word i can use at the moment. My whole aura changes. I decided my first stop was to be Oxford Street yes yes yawn yawn i could have picked somewhere more exciting and obscure but i love it as a starting point. I wandered up and down stop and looking around a few shops that i like. Being ill as i am i rarely buys clothes these days. I do not really see the point. Small t shirts look dreadful on me as i cannot even fill them out such is my skeleton like frame. The only thing i seriously thought about purchasing was new sneakers…. Having said that i could not find any that actually had the wow factor for me. I settled for a new pair of chinos. The chinos were cheap £17. As i hope to put on more weight i am not too fussed about buying cheap for the moment. Trying clothes on with this illness certainly opens your eyes i can tell you. Sadly “the voice” loves me trying on clothes. These chinos are a 28 waist. They are loose on me too! “The voice” shouts at me in triumph! “Yes yes Matt look at this, look how good you look, this is the look we want”. I am hanging my head in shame as i write this, i believe “the voice”……… One side of me wants to put them back in disgust and ban myself from buying clothes until i am better. “The voice” however wins and before i know it i am at the counter paying for them. So i leave the store chastising myself for being so weak, but i find some middle ground with “the voice”. We agree that i will not buy anything else unless i see some sneakers that i like. How mad is it that i am reasoning with “the voice”? As i wandered down to Carnaby Street my thoughts were turning to food. The inevitable worries where was i to eat? What was i to have? What safe foods could i find? However food soon was pushed firmly to the back of my mind. I looked up and recognised someone that i follow on instagram. This guy is an absolute legend in the London and the tailoring industry. I love his work, his style in fact everything just oozes class. The gentleman in question is Mark Powell. I urge you to google him and check him out for yourselves. Anything i will say will not do the man justice…………….. I stopped Mr Powell and asked the awkward fan question. “Excuse me… Are you Mark Powell?” “Yes” he replied as i shook his hand. I ended up back at his tailoring shop in a small street just off Carnaby Street. We spent the next half hour 45 minutes talking about everything from the early days of Savile Row through to his tailoring. I felt truly lucky and humbled to be able to spend time talking to such a legend in my eyes. As i left his store i promised myself i would be back one day to have an outfit made by him. A true gentleman…….. I spent the rest of the day exploring Shoreditch in the East End of London. A place i have visited several times for a trade show but i have rarely had an opportunity to explore. A wonderful wonderful place with lots of unique shops, cafes and restaurants i would recommend spending some time wandering around just taking in the sights and sounds of the place. Sadly i ran out of time and it was time for me to make my way home a wonderful day was spent nonetheless…………………
Friday was a massive day for me. In the morning i had a meeting with the mental health specialist. Now she is only is brief intervention for 4 sessions and this was my 3rd session. Brief intervention is basically just assessing my well being until i am on the road to recovery enough to have the proper therapy (which as we all know i am desperate for). In these meetings we discuss various things from my thoughts through to what i feel i am achieving with the eating disorder specialist. I have found these meetings a bit frustrating at times. I have been also asking her to refer me onto the therapy but seeing as she is working alongside the eating disorder specialist she is in agreement that i am not ready to step forward onto that path. Cue the frustration……… I have therefore unbeknown to them made an appointment with a private therapist of which the appointment was on Friday afternoon. The need to talk things thorough and their reluctance to refer me has led to this. The morning meeting again consisted of the usual questions do i feel i have made any progress? Am i feeling any better about myself? Am i suicidal? All standard questions. I answered honestly. I do not feel i have made any progress. I have days yes when i do feel a little better about myself. I can praise myself a little but not everyday. No i am not suicidal. I revert back to the story of “the voice” i tell her that it is this horrible manipulating, spiteful voice that is stopping me from making the progress i desire. If i can just get this voice out on the table and address it i say to her then maybe just maybe things will move forward. She nods and tells me she has heard these things before but in her opinion the weight comes first!!! Again i get the feeling she is just dismissing the underlying problem. She warns me, as had the eating specialist that i need to push myself forward otherwise the option is as was stated to me Tuesday would be day centre then possible sectioning. After much talk the meeting comes to a close. She finishes by asking me if all the unhappiness and frustration i am feeling has contributed to my illness. This is in my opinion i inform her is the root…………………. I left the meeting unfulfilled. I now had a massive amount of time before the afternoon appointment with the private therapist. I kept myself busy and moving as usual to keep my mind occupied. After doing a few tasks and chores at home i made my way to the coffee shop to just try and chill and gather my thoughts for the afternoon. What was to happen in the lead up i have never encountered before, and if i am honest i do not wish for a repeat ever again. I sat and had a pot of tea and even ate a salad from the menu, all perfectly normal. I had my laptop with me checking over a few things on the blog and reading a few others again perfectly normal………. Suddenly without warning my chest went tight the palpitations started. I did not feel good at all. No matter what i done to try and relax and put these feelings out of my head they would just not go away. I genuinely thought i was having a heart attack!!!! For the next 30 minutes i sat not knowing what on earth was happening to me? I had serious serious thoughts of either leaving and walking to my doctors surgery or phoning an ambulance. I was scared!! VERY scared!! After what was only 30 minutes but seemed like a lifetime the feelings subsided. I sit here writing this believing that it was a panic attack. As i said the feelings subsided and it was time to make my way to see the private therapist. Was i doing to much? Have i made the right choice? Are the team i have been dealing with got it right when they say i am not ready for therapy? All i knew was that i need to get this addressed some how and soon!!!!!!!
I am not going to go into what was discussed with the private therapist, i believe some things are left unsaid. I am not 100% sure who reads this blog etc, but what was discussed that afternoon and what will be discussed in the future with this therapist will be deep and thorough. I am leaving no stone unturned, my life and everything that has happened will be discussed and analysed. I will say that though that the first hour and half with this therapist i felt was very good. I got a lot off my chest…………….. I left this first session as she warned me i would feeling very tired and drained. However i was glad of the opportunity to finally talk.
Saturday i returned to work an uneventful day all in all. I went thorough the motions of a normal day catching up with things that i had missed and addressing the things that i needed to address. All the while keeping moving and making sure i was not getting fat. Some things never change!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday as ever was spent with Number 1. We had a very very chilled day. We took the hamster for a check up at the vet first thing. All is good for Rosie the vet reported she is healthy and happy so we have nothing to worry about. All good for Number 1. We dropped Rosie back home and spent the rest of the day chilling out. It has been a long time since we had done that but it was nice. However this chilling out should have been better than nice. “The voice” was quite vocal and annoyed at the fact that i was sitting down a lot. The desire to keep moving was getting very hard to ignore as the day wore on…………… I somehow managed to make it through but as i sit here and write this i am already fully aware that i could well be having a tough day Monday……………..
So we come to an end of a week with lots of ups and downs. As ever i have no idea what the next week will bring. I have an appointment with the dietitians on Thursday this being only the 2nd time i will have seen them i am not sure what to expect again. Friday sees the 2nd appointment with the private therapist. Hopefully the feelings i experienced last Friday will not be repeated…………..
Have a good week guys……
*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me.
Peace and Love