My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. Excuse me?? I’m lost???………….

Thought i would start a blog and see where it takes me. I am not 100% sure what to write as there is so much going on at the moment i am not really sure where to start.

The beginning is always best is it not?

I have started the new job. Its ………..well different……….. that’s the best way to describe it.  Those of you who are regulars to the blog know that my last position was one of high pace and long hours with a decent bit of pressure thrown in for good measure. I actually miss it!!! Yes as mad as it sounds. Why? Who knows? I think the fact that i now have regular hours is scaring the life out of me!!!! Insane!!! I have to now try and keep my mind occupied and for me that is going to be very difficult. As i have said in my last blog i am a classic over thinker. I just cannot switch my brain off. This is the thing that is scaring me the most. Yes i admit i now have more time for Number 1, which is the main reason i had to leave the last position. For that i am very pleased and happy about, i am sure she is too. On the flip side “the voice” has started to be a bit louder. Trying to sort out a new routine with the new job is something that “the voice” seems to be having a very strong say on. First 2 days at new job and already i am worrying about the pedometer that i carry in my pocket, am i doing enough steps???? First day i didn’t do enough!!!! Oh no!!!! Stop the world!!!! I done just under 10,000 steps which is what i aim for each day. A massive fail in my book…………

A little therapy update for you. So far i have heard absolutely nothing more from the health services about my referral. Standard in this country. Not enough resources to cope with the demand. A sad state of affairs for those who struggle with all sorts of things across the health spectrum. It is something that is constantly in the news here but very rarely do you ever see a positive outcome. Any way i am not going to get into a political rant. As far as further help is concerned i have taken things into my own hands yet again. I have looked into and have contacted a hypnotherapist…….. I am not sure if this is the correct way to go but it is worth a try. I must get the obsessive thoughts under control. I have tried hypnotherapy before many many years ago for an unrelated problem, i found it to be very helpful indeed. A way of rewiring the brain as they say. I have contacted someone who i believe can help me and have set up a meeting. What have i got to lose? I have already lost so much to this ED that i am running out of options in my mind……….. If she can help me then brilliant. I have had an initial chat with her and first impressions are that i very much believe she can help. She also believes that she can help too. We had a very good first chat and she is totally understanding of the situation i am in.  First session is all booked so i can only go and see where it leads me. I have stated before that i am frustrated with the situation that i find myself in. Constant restricting and worry has caused my life to be just one long laborious tiresome slog. Same thoughts same restrictions each day simply because i just cannot get the thoughts of the fat face out of my mind……………..Poison is the word i am using these days to describe it. I think it is a good word. My brain is injected with a poison and i must find the antidote. Could the hypnotherapy be the antidote? Maybe? It is another avenue to explore. The dieticians and therapists i have seen so far have not really been able to help. Or is it a case that i am to stubborn and scared to move my life forward? A question i have raised many times in this blog. I guess i am both…………….

As i continue with this blog i have had the first session with the hypnotherapist.We sat and chatted for 2 hours, we started right at the beginning of the whole sorry saga. This was a session to see what type of help she could offer me. We talked in depth about the triggers and reasons for how i have ended up where i am. She offered various opinions and insights as to where and why i am doing this to myself. I must admit i felt very comfortable with the whole process, i could have talked to her for hours more. The session came to an end like i said after 2 hours. I walked away from this meeting firmly believing that this could be a right move for me. Yes yes i have said that before about other therapies that i have tried since the journey started but to a certain degree they have all given me more of an insight into what i am going through and where i am at with my life. I have been given some reading material to go through and digest, along with this i have been given a questionnaire to fill out and to see how i deal with certain situations. My initial look over the questions and i have to say these will be some very difficult ones to answer, i feel there could be many answers i could give but i need to settle on just one……………… We will see how i get on i guess. I think these will give her a good idea of how best she can help me.

So as i said it is my first week in the new job…. How is it? Hmmmmm?? Different, quieter, slower paced…….. tis an odd one. I am not sure if i like it or not. Yes its a job but is it the one for me? I guess if i don’t give it a go i will never know. The issue i am finding as i completed the first week was that i was coming up with new ways of restricting. The thought that is going on in my head now is the fact that i am not on the go as much as i was in the last job so i n turn the calories are not being burnt off!! So the natural progression is to restrict. Not that i do not restrict enough as it is, but now lunch is not getting eaten.  Fact remains still that i am not hungry these days. Don’t get me wrong i am not saying that i do not get hunger pangs, fact it is that i do!!  I fight through them. Fight through and ignore the bodies need to be fueled.  Mmmm??? that’s an intelligent thing to do!!  During my session with the hypnotherapist she showed me this picture.

Concentration camp

The question asked was. ” What do you think this man would say to you if he knew what you were doing to yourself?” My reply was that he would probably say to me “at least you have a choice”……………

Its an open question with no right or wrong answer. But the overall point is the fact that my body is very close to resembling this picture. This poor man and millions like him were kept in inhumane conditions during the 2nd World War and often many did not make it out alive due to starvation and other diseases that blighted these camps. It makes you think doesn’t it?? Whilst the ED makes me and others feel trapped and imprisoned we have a choice to change and get back on the road to recovery to make the decision to fight back for a normal life.

A Sunday without Number 1 today and i am close to going crazy. Why oh why i cannot just sit and chill, relax, watch crap tv etc…… like every one else is beyond me? I mean the weather is rubbish its cold snowing on and off perfect day for keeping warm…… It is driving me mad. In my head i am screaming for this but i just know it will not happen. I will inevitably try and find something that will keep my mind occupied and obviously keep me moving to burn the calories not that i am putting any in my body anyway.

I received a comment on one of my blogs from bulliedfor50.wordpress.com.   I thank you for that comment, always nice to receive feedback. His response to my blog was fresh and well different as it were. Here it is………………..

Regarding your entry on eating disorders. For sure they are horrible and they are as individual as snowflakes but not as beautiful. The good thing about the eating disorders is that when you find yourself in a space , a place where the focus is not all about food, where the focus is just about live, and living fully, and being creative, and learning or re-learning, then most of what was an eating disorder can and does go into the woodwork. Just ideas, opinions, the bottom line is that almost all eating disorders begin and began with an obsession of food -whether one started out starving or started out feasting like a vintage King. And , almost always, a nice way to cure an obsession is to find a better obsession. Hence , creativity makes a great substitution .. Disclaimer, I’m no doc, nor do I want to be. But I am experienced since I’ve eaten food since the first year of birth. And that’s a lot of years . 

An interesting take on ED’s. His opinions and ideas are valid i agree. Learning, re-learning etc yes all valid yes. However……….”The voice” merely moves back to a corner where it can still be heard. No matter what i am doing the thought of restriction and exercise are still floating around. Its like i am planning ahead to justify my day…… Anyway i am not discounting his comment, it is of course another view and way of looking at things…………………

I received the results of my questionnaire from the hypnotherapist. Interesting results, and the explanation and treatment idea certainly appeals to me. I was not going to share this with you originally but i thought hey why not!!! It makes sense to me. Hopefully it will make sense to you?

Here are your results Matt, the Nomad is a little low and could do with building up, and the settler could come down, the warrior crusader in you sees you fighting for good causes but this could be at your own detriment.

Therapy will be about building your self esteem and worth for yourself, to see that you have a unique presence in this world as do we all, and we are all here for good reason, no one is better or worse than anyone else. We create and manifest our own destiny so the choice is for you to create a destiny that sits well with your soul purpose. We can help you find that together using many different therapies, but it is often much easier than anyone imagined, they just need to focus on what they want in any given moment, knowing all things change as do moments, and like people they are no better or worse than any other moment they just help us to experience our divine selves so that we can use these moments to help us build who we truly are and who we are not.

Let me know what you think and we can start rebuilding Matt from the ground up, a factory re-set if you like, restored back to your original settings when you cared less and experienced more.

This time there won’t be anything to hold you back or take you from your path.

A factory reset !!! Well that sound like a good plan in my eyes and i want to get onto this as soon as possible. This answer and other attached information that she has provided for me which i will not be sharing (sorry) has given me a place on the path where for the first time in many many months there seems to be a way through the haze. I am not saying this is going to be an easy quick fix, or if i will find my way completely through the haze simply because you just never know. I am quite a messed up individual these days with many issues that i am struggling to cope with all at once. Only by having this treatment will i know if i can move on with my life?

*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me.

Peace and Love

Matt

 

6 thoughts on “My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. Excuse me?? I’m lost???………….

  1. Matt, I’m so pleased to see that you are feeling positive about the next step – if you have found someone that you can see yourself working well with then that is hugely beneficial. A factory reset does indeed sound like a good solution; we need to retrain the way we think about life, ourselves, exercise and food. The new job will be a strange transition, but I think it will be for the best so you can focus more on recovery. I have so much faith in you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Feeling positive yes. The initial meeting was good i felt comfortable talking to her about things so that immediately was a good sign. Thank you for the show of faith in me. I just wish i have the same faith in myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry I haven’t been around too much Matt. I did, however read this when I found it in my email. I am not going to talk about the main things. I will address them when I respond to your email, hopefully over the weekend.
    I will say that it looks likes like the hypnosis thing might be a great thing then. I hope by the time I email you that you’re feeling a bit better about everything, even if you have not had your first real hypnosis session. One step at a time Matt. Slowly but surely Pet. 🙂
    ~gives you a bear hug, kisses your forehead, pets your hair for a time and wanders off with a wave~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s ok. Not a problem. I hope you are well and things are ok. I think the hypnotherapy will be worth a shot. Its something that i have to try. I still yet to hear from the eating disorders team that i had a call from a couple weeks ago now. So with that i have decided to take things into my own hands and pay to go private.

      Like

  4. No, Matt, mental illness is NOT EVER a choice. you did not to this to yourself. frankly, im shocked that the therapist would show you such an image because personally i would have (and did) found it triggering.

    Liked by 2 people

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