Hello from a very snowy and cold UK. Seems we have a little bit of snow touching down here. Now snow is something that we seem not to be prepared for this country everything seems to come to a standstill and panic sets in!!!!!! Now do not get wrong the weather is not great roads are bad in some areas and rail services and flights are being affected. However i do feel sometimes we make a little bit more of the situation than we should do. But hey! That is my opinion rightly or wrongly.
Anyway……………. So i cannot even remember last time i posted?? Must have been over a week as i have hardly had anytime to stop and catch up with things.
I sit here in the usual position in the coffee house trying to relax and have the thoughts to just leave me alone for 1 fucking minute. As stated in the last blog i am leaving my job. Yes yes 5 months in. Not really how i wanted this to go. Am i making the right choice?? I still have no idea??? I guess only time will tell. This week i have been all over the shop as it were i have had to work in 2 different locations to cover for no management. Surprise surprise i have had to close the stores on all occasions. Late nights!!! I may as well do night shifts somewhere. This has been made a little more difficult due to the weather conditions. Earlier this week i was closing our store and as i was coming in on the train i saw a sign that stated that the trains were stopping at 10 pm that night due to bad weather. Now this posed an interesting one. I was due to finish at 10pm!!! So i contacted someone at the station and asked them what time THE very last train home was? 9:55PM i was informed. So i went to my boss and told him the situation in the hope that i could be able to leave in plenty of time to get the train. His reply was to ask if i could get a cab home!!!! Now for anyone who knows me well knows how far away i live!!!!! This dumbfounded me to the point that it actually upset me. I have had a few people telling me that the company do not give 2 shits about me. Could this have proved it?? Rationally yes of course it proves it!!!!! According to my messed up head this is not the case!!! Crazy shit!!!! Anyway i was allowed to leave at 9:40 to catch the train and thankfully get home. I was actually preparing myself for a stay at a travel lodge. For the next couple of days i was to cover at another store. Now i had to drive to this place and with the weather as insane as it has become roads have been sort of ok. As i said late nights and getting home later than i would from my normal store due to this one closing later. Almost midnight both nights. Driving conditions not nice either. Yet i still do it. My mother has told me not to bother going back…..what is the worst they can do SACK ME?? This of course is true but i do not operate like that i want to prove i am not a failure at this job i am determined to see it through to the bitter end!!!! I enter my final week tomorrow doing 7 days straight closing the store on 4 occasions over that period god knows what the weather will bring but i guess i can only wait and see what happens from one day to the next.
The eating during this period has of course been restricted, madness as ever!! I should be at least eating something to keep the fire burning but i just do not want to. I survive on very little but somehow i manage to go on. God knows how? But i do. Russian roulette with my health is not really how i imagine my life to be. I received a phone yesterday from the health service in response to my request for help. Surprise surprise i could not take the call and discuss my needs as i was…………………..at work. I asked them to ring me back today. I am hoping that they will. I need to get this sorted. I know i say this every blog and it never happens, it is just another blog of woe and struggle with “the voice” I am slowly coming to realise that i cannot do this alone!!! Now in my writing i am sure that comes across abundantly clear but am i now just making excuses because it is an easy option. I have been advised so many times to be selfish to my needs but i just feel i cannot do that!!!! Why??? I do not know. As i sit here and write this i have tears in my eyes and i feel like screaming in frustration. I want to shout “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!” As much as i want to i am scared to. Why am i scared??? Wish i could identify why i am scared?? Maybe like the doctor said to me i am not ready to recover???? I do not see how this can be considering all these thoughts that i am having about knowing what i am doing to myself and how dangerously close i am to ending up in hospital. I do not want that!!!! I mean that guys. I really really don’t. I just want to have a “normal life” what ever that may be???? Just winds me up!!! Cycle of self abuse and thinking that everything is fine when clearly it is not at all……………..
I have been advised by many people to get something to occupy my mind. As some of you may or may not know i used to DJ something i used to love or do i still love it? I do not know anymore? I DJ’d Saturday night at a bar and i must admit i did enjoy it. Whether i can get fully back to embracing it is another question? I need something in my life desperately. To get back into this would be a step to helping eliminate “the voice”? Who knows?? At the moment i can see nothing but restrict this, restrict that, don’t do that, do that instead. I sit here writing this starving hungry but will i eat? No. Why? Because “the voice” says its not time and if you do then the weight will pile on. Need to eat in line with your normal day…… Do i even have a normal day? Of course i don’t!!!! I cannot remember last time i had a normal day???
I sadly did not receive a phone call today from the health service. Knowing my luck i will get one tomorrow just when i cannot take it as i will be at work. I want to take the call and explain the situation and to discuss how they can help me out. If they can ?? As i sit and write this it all sounds very familiar doesn’t it?? I have been down this road before last year with a previous team of specialists, what makes me think that things are going to be any different this time around?? What can they say to make me think differently about eating and fuelling my body? Look at me i am already dismissing the help even before i have had a chance to listen to what they have to say……… This is my problem i just do not listen i am too stubborn.
Back to work tomorrow for the final 7 day stretch. They are really getting their monies worth out of me i suspect. Closing Saturday so a late one early Sunday then 3 lates in a row and an early on the final day. Add to the mix the weather and of course rail replacement bus at the weekend. Sounds fun doesn’t it? Well i guess i better leave you all in peace. Not sure when i will be able to post next? Possibly be the end of next week as i prepare to start the new job…………
*Dedicated those who continue to support me
Peace and Love