Hello and welcome to another blog. Hope you are well? I am not in the best of places as i write this. In fact i am fed up to the back teeth. Things have taken a downward turn since the last blog. I hear you sigh……. Believe me i am as fed up of this as you are. There is nothing i want more than to be back to my normal self, or to be a close to normal as i can be. This unwanted visitor in my life is seriously over staying its welcome. Time for it to go!!! Easier said than done. Now in the last blog i told you i was going to go it alone on the recovery front. The health service is not helping me despite my requests. Maybe they feel they have done as much as they can after last year.
So to solo recovery…… What a massive undertaking. Yes it is but i think it is totally necessary. My battle with my head can only be between me and it now!! I got into this mindset i need to battle my way out. I know myself and i know how i operate so who better to be face to face with this than me. Standing there looking directly into the dark soul of this disorder. Outside help has helped a little but not to the degree i want. I have looked deeply into this and into my soul, like i said it is time i went face to face no body else just me and it!
Over the last week or so i have developed a very strange habit. Whether or not it is healthy i have no idea? At “lunchtime” at work (i use the word lunchtime very loosely) i have a tea and that is it! Now this is where it gets crazy!! Get the straight jacket ready……………… I have now taken to popping into a local food hall and wandering around looking at all the food they have to offer!!!! (Rubber room ready!!) This is totally mad behaviour i realise that, but rational on the other side of the coin in my eyes. Why rational i hear you ask? I look at these foods and i want them my god do i want them…. I want them so badly!! I pick them up and immediately the calorie content is the thing i go to…. Now it does not matter how healthy these are, the calories are the stopper for me. Thoughts of getting the fat face back is the thing that is stopping me. I am disgusted by my body!! I hate the look of it, it has got so thin and emaciated that all my clothes do not fit properly. Now this is not the way i wanted to go, all i wanted as i have said before was the fat face gone not that i had one according to people. I need to start believing that fact!!!! Sooner i believe the better for my own sanity. The sooner i look deep into myself and see the mess i have created the better it will be for me.
Now as i was saying…… The walking around the food hall looking at the food! Yes madness as i have said but i am going to try and justify it!!! Do i have to? Maybe maybe not i am really sure?
Right the fact that i am in this place in the first place is good in my eyes. It shows a willingness to be around food. I want the foods i look at, i crave the foods, i desperately need to have something in my body to start the healing process to be able to fuel my brain to start thinking positive thoughts about where i am in my life. Food has become an enemy to me and that is not a good thing. I received an email from a fellow blogger who reached out to help me something that i very grateful for, she wrote a very inspirational email to me something that i need to possibly read daily instead of just keeping it in my save emails. I am not going to reveal the content . I shall however give you a link to her site.
Have a look at the site some very good posts and advice.
Now for me i have decided to delete the majority of my social media accounts. Facebook gone, Twitter gone, Pintrest gone. I am still on Instagram although i am debating the deletion of this too. I am also debating deleting this page or just not posting for a while at least. I am going through what i feel are my triggers and i believe that these are strong triggers. Thus i need to have them out of my life for a while. Whilst i follow some very good people on wordpress i have been thinking that possibly the reason i cannot get on and recover is because i am living this illness to satisfy the readers and followers of the blog. Does that make sense? I think it does. Do not get me wrong you are all wonderful people and your support had been amazing i am grateful to every single one of you. Let me explain….. I am writing this blog albeit weekly but i am constantly on word press looking at others blogs etc…………. I feel the content that i am writing like i said is to satisfy the readers. I am living the illness to write a story of my struggle when clearly i should be concentrating on recovering, doing positive things. I need to be doing things to recover, eating, stopping all the exercise and to start making positive steps. Instead i am doing the opposite and writing about how it dictating me daily. I need to start doing the positive then maybe i can get back on here and write about the goodness that i am introducing to my life once again…………..So to this end. This will be my last blog for a while at least. I am going to sort myself out i promise. The next time i blog it will be positive and have news of the good things i have done instead of all the bad and negative things that i am doing to myself.
My name is Matt Christian and i no longer have an eating disorder.
*Dedicated to all of you. I love you all dearly. Your words over the past year mean so so much to me.
Peace and Love