My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. I’m going solo…………………..

Hello and welcome to another blog. Hope you are well? I am not in the best of places as i write this. In fact i am fed up to the back teeth. Things have taken a downward turn since the last blog. I hear you sigh……. Believe me i am as fed up of this as you are. There is nothing i want more than to be back to my normal self, or to be a close to normal as i can be. This unwanted visitor in my life is seriously over staying its welcome. Time for it to go!!! Easier said than done. Now in the last blog i told you i was going to go it alone on the recovery front. The health service is not helping me despite my requests. Maybe they feel they have done as much as they can after last year.

So to solo recovery…… What a massive undertaking. Yes it is but i think it is totally necessary. My battle with my head can only be between me and it now!! I got into this mindset i need to battle my way out. I know myself and i know how i operate so who better to be face to face with this than me. Standing there looking directly into the dark soul of this disorder. Outside help has helped a little but not to the degree i want. I have looked deeply into this and into my soul, like i said it is time i went face to face no body else just me and it!

Over the last week or so i have developed a very strange habit. Whether or not it is healthy i have no idea? At “lunchtime” at work (i use the word lunchtime very loosely) i have a tea and that is it! Now this is where it gets crazy!! Get the straight jacket ready……………… I have now taken to popping into a local food hall and wandering around looking at all the food they have to offer!!!! (Rubber room ready!!) This is totally mad behaviour i realise that, but rational on the other side of the coin in my eyes. Why rational i hear you ask? I look at these foods and i want them my god do i want them….  I want them so badly!! I pick them up and immediately the calorie content is the thing i go to…. Now it does not matter how healthy these are, the calories are the stopper for me. Thoughts of getting the fat face back is the thing that is stopping me. I am disgusted by my body!! I hate the look of it, it has got so thin and emaciated that all my clothes do not fit properly. Now this is not the way i wanted to go, all i wanted as i have said before  was the fat face gone not that i had one according to people. I need to start believing that fact!!!! Sooner i believe the better for my own sanity. The sooner i look deep into myself and see the mess i have created the better it will be for me.

Now as i was saying…… The walking around the food hall looking at the food! Yes madness as i have said but i am going to try and justify it!!! Do i have to? Maybe maybe not i am really sure?

Right the fact that i am in this place in the first place is good in my eyes. It shows a willingness to be around food. I want the foods i look at, i crave the foods, i desperately need to have something in my body to start the healing process to be able to fuel my brain to start thinking positive thoughts about where i am in my life. Food has become an enemy to me and that is not a good thing. I received an email from a fellow blogger who reached out to help me something that i very grateful for, she wrote a very inspirational email to me something that i need to possibly read daily instead of just keeping  it in my save emails. I am not going to reveal the content . I shall however give you a link to her site.

https://themindcomestoo.wordpress.com/

Have a look at the site some very good posts and advice.

Now for me i have decided to delete the majority of my social media accounts. Facebook gone, Twitter gone, Pintrest gone. I am still on Instagram although i am debating the deletion of this too. I am also debating deleting this page or just not posting for a while at least. I am going through what i feel are my triggers and i believe that these are strong triggers. Thus i need to have them out of my life for a while. Whilst i follow some very good  people on wordpress i have been thinking that possibly the reason i cannot get on and recover is because i am living this illness to satisfy the readers and followers of the blog. Does that make sense? I think it does. Do not get me wrong you are all wonderful people and your support had been amazing i am grateful to every single one of you.  Let me explain….. I am writing this blog albeit weekly but i am constantly on word press looking at others blogs etc…………. I feel the content that i am writing like i said is to satisfy the readers. I am living the illness to write a story of my struggle when clearly i should be concentrating on recovering, doing positive things. I need to be doing things to recover, eating, stopping all the exercise and to start making positive steps. Instead i am doing the opposite and writing about how it dictating me daily. I need to start doing the positive then maybe i can get back on here and write about the goodness that i am introducing to my life once again…………..So to this end. This will be my last blog for a while at least. I am going to sort myself out i promise. The next time i blog it will be positive and have news of the good things i have done instead of all the bad and negative things that i am doing to myself.

My name is Matt Christian and i no longer have an eating disorder.

*Dedicated to all of you. I love you all dearly. Your words over the past year mean so so much to me.

Peace and Love

Matt

 

21 thoughts on “My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. I’m going solo…………………..

  1. As always, my prayers for you to live a good life are with you. Your blog has always shown me the power of courage in the face of difficulty. I’ve never read your blog to be a voyeur into your life. I have read it because I want you to feel better, and to understand how our physical characteristics don’t match how others may view us. You are beautiful. You were made that way. Thin, fat, however you may view yourself, you are loved. Be well, Matt.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Really appreciate your words as ever. I know there are few people that look at the blog to be voyeuristic and to see the situation is weekly and how i have not really made any progress. I just feel now the time to think of myself and my daughter. To get back to loving myself. I feel that i have become the disorder if you get me??? Writing to satisfy my own demons and to convince myself what i am doing is normal. What i am doing is so inherently wrong. I know that i am gonna have setbacks but i am determined to like myself again. I look at myself as i said i am horribly thin and its not right. Once again thank you for your prayers they mean a lot………. Peace and Love…….

      Liked by 1 person

  2. If there are people that follow to because of your eating disorder and have some twisted joy in that, I’m sorry.
    You’re a strong man Matt. I believe this. I wish you the very best with your choice. If we don’t hear from you for a while, you will be missed. My prayers are with you. Stay strong Matt. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Penny i appreciate your comment as ever. I hope to prove that i am strong. Words mean so little at the moment unless i can really push through the barrier that is holding me back. I say to myself daily that today will be the day, but it very rarely turns out that way. I know i have to be patient with myself but sadly one of my bad traits as it were is my impatience. Thank you for your prayers. I feel disconnecting myself is the best route at this moment in time.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Matt, I just want to say that I admire you for doing what is right for yourself. You do not owe anything to anyone else, It sounds like the important quest for now is to find out how you can learn to be patient and caring with yourself. You are the most important person in your recovery – keep listening to that voice inside that knows what is right for you and that knows you are not satisfied with the half-life that anorexia allows. I’m on a break from my treatment team and although I was really scared and panicked about taking the break I am now glad that I’ve been able to draw on my own resources and brave out the daily decision to resist starving and punishing my body and instead, find permission inside myself to eat regularly. Some days will be hard and some days will be easy but every day matters and every day is new xo best wishes and I’ll be sending good vibes your way, you’re not alone and what you’re doing is worth while, every spark of kindness you can muster for yourself is a star that guides someone else who may be lost and wandering xo Em

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Em thank you very much for your support. I just felt it was the best thing for me. Like i said in the blog i got into this i need to get out. Face to face just me and it. I truly hope it works. I am truly fed up with this regime that i have, its not the way i want to or expected to live my life. Good luck to you too. Matt

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You should write for yourself. Your disorder will require a lifetime of recovery and that is ok. Limit yourself to what you share so you don’t feel like others are reading to be nosey. I hope you find some relief soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I know you have stopped writing, at least for now, so I don’t know if you will read this. I am sad to see you won’t be contributing any more as I have enjoyed our communication, however, I am SO proud that you are prioritising you and your health. I get the food hall thing…. Nutritional information on labels is always my go-to as well, but being surrounded by the food you wish you could have is like a bizarre fascination for me too – it’s like a car crash on the side of the road, the traffic slows to take a look out of morbid curiosity… Who is to say if this is right or wrong?

    You are COMPLETELY CORRECT – somewhere along the road the wires in our heads got crossed and our relationship with food and exercise became unhealthy… As such, it IS possible for us to mend the relationship alone. I have so much faith in you. I know you will beat this, just like I will x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi i will still reply to comments but i have taken a break from the blog to sort my head out. I just felt that everytime i wrote it was as though i was the ED. I want to separate myself from it. I just felt that writing the blog was helping in some ways, but in other ways it was keeping me locked into the ED so that i just had something to write about. I will continue to check up on your blog, and try and help when i can.

      Like

  6. I must have been out of town when this posted. I understand completely about getting off social media. Take care of yourself first, in all things. It seems selfish, but it’s just the opposite. Your self-care echoes around the world and makes it a happier and more loving place. Thank you for sharing this, Matt. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hello Penny. Thank you for stopping by and commenting, i am not bad thank you. Still fighting every day, still falling, but dragging myself up and carrying on. I am glad to have your backing, means a lot to me…….

    Like

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