Well here we have it another week down and another month of this year gone!! I mean its April already!!! That is quite scary!!!!
On to other matters. I am sure that you have been wondering what happened at the hypnotherapist appointment? If i am honest i wasn’t expecting a miracle cure so i went along with an open mind as you have to in these situations. We started off by analysing my questionnaire results. Now you will have to excuse me but these still baffle me to a certain degree?? Mainly because i am not entirely sure how they line up with what i am going through? Hence why i am sharing them with you? I have had a friend look at them and explain to me, but i am still a little confused by them??
As the appointment progressed i was starting to think that the hypnosis would not happen or if she had indeed started but i hadn’t realised it? We carried on talking and discussing but i could not help thinking that maybe this lady was not the help i needed, it wasn’t really getting the roots of my disorder and desire to get myself better. My thought was that i am wasting my time here…….As i sit and write this and think more and more about it the more i think i have indeed wasted my time. So did i actually go under as it were?? Well yes i eventually got to the point of sitting comfortably and going into a relaxed way of think with my eyes closed etc……..I am not going to go into the whole thing because mainly i cannot really remember to much about the whole thing. All i do know is that she repeated a lot of phrases. I suppose this was all to alter the mind and to flip the switch as it were…………………………….
Hold up!!! You know what, this journey is going in the wrong direction totally. My life is shit i am currently in a new job that i am not happy in. Yes yes yes takes time to get used to it!!! Well i am not getting used to it. It does not feel right, it is not a good fit. I am ill. I have an eating disorder which runs my life. I live my life by numbers. How many steps have i done in a day, how many ipad workouts have i done, how many calories i have burnt, how many can i eat, eat at the same time, eat the same thing!! Its all fucking bullshit.I met my best friend today. Yes my BEST FRIEND!! Yes for the first time in my life i can possibly say that i have a best friend. She has stuck by me throughout this whole journey. She knew before i did what i was doing to myself what path i was heading down. She tried to warn me!!! Did i listen?? Did i fuck!!! She knew all along!!! Today i asked her for help. She had so many plans yet she made time to meet me and help me to do something that i absolutely needed to do……………………………………….
THIS HAS GONE!!!!!
THAT’S RIGHT!!! ITS GONE!! I CHUCKED IT IN THE RIVER!!!!!!! I CRIED LIKE A BABY!!!! 3 YEARS OF THIS APP. I CRIED AS IT WAS SINKING IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!
She stood there silently whilst i plucked up the courage to throw it. She did not push me, she did not pressure me, she waited patiently for me throw it. It took a few goes but it went………. How did i feel ??? Like i said i cried like a baby!!! She put her arm round me and told me she was proud of me!!!! This was a massive step for me. Before i met up with her i went through it and saved all the pictures that i wanted to keep onto an SD card. It amazed me how long i had been in the grip of the apps. The pictures i wanted to keep were of Number 1 when we went to Disneyland Paris. That was 3 years ago!!!!!! 3 FUCKING YEARS!!!!! 3 years of making sure i was on track to do the steps!!!!!! 3 years of moving just so that i could sleep at night knowing i had done them…………….. Thank you. I really appreciated your help………… Could not have done it without you.
I miss Number 1 terribly and i need to address this. She mentioned to me the other day that she wished i was at my old job still………I asked her why? She answered that way i would see her every Sunday like i used to!!! It broke my heart. Have i really been that selfish that i put my own career ahead of Number 1? This is not what i want at all. I want to be able to see her, spend time with her, spend quality time doing things that fathers and daughters do!!! She does not need a father who picks her up from school when he is off during the week. These precious few hours are great do not get me wrong!! However the main day that i had on a Sunday was great. It was set in stone that was when i would be about. It gave not just her but me something to look forward to. Something to work out, plan what we were going to do that day. This sadly does not happen now and along with her i miss it!!!!! So i am getting this new project started. I am going to get my days back with her. Career change? If necessary!! Just got to find something else that i can do??
So where does this leave me?? Ahhhh the long asked question that i ask at the end of every blog. I think the main question should what does this leave me with?? The pedometer and calorie counter have gone. I have disabled the health app that is running on my new phone!! I was using this along side the old phone, but now that is sinking to the bottom of a river i have nothing. I still have the fitness app on my ipad!! Am i ready to delete this??? I am not sure?? There are a few other things which i am going to delete too. I feel this needs to be done. Total freshness!! Like clearing out a cupboard full of old crap. A spring clean….. After all its meant to be spring in this country so have a clear out………….. Big thing though!!!!! Yes it is but i have to do it for my own sanity and to rid myself of triggers that set me off.
I have made the decision to go recovery alone as it were. Professional help seems to be not working. The health service has not got back to me! I am not entirely convinced by the hypnotherapist, she does not seem to addressing the actual problem in my eyes.
I have however come across this guy completely by accident too. I was reading a blog where he was quoted. I decided to have a look at his website. I suggest you look.
A truly inspiring human being. I took the plunge and contacted him on his website. He got back to me which surprised me very much. Friday we spoke on the phone. I talked and explained to him my situation he was very understanding which was great. He talked about his own journey, how managed to pull himself away from the edge to live the life he is leading today. We have arranged another chat for next week. At last this is someone i feel i can connect with. Anything that i mentioned about my triggers, impulses and what i am doing to myself he knew instantly where i was coming from. He had after all been down a similar route. He told me there was light at the end of the tunnel. There is a way. I need to be strong i need to “just do things” do not think about them to much. If i think to much then all that will happen is that i will end up talking myself out of it. Letting “the voice” dictate my every move which i have done for so long.
*Dedicated to those who continue to support me.
Peace and Love