So to another blog.
What more drama can he come up with now? I hear you asking?
Well i shall indulge you. I have lost all fight. I am weak, i’m tired, i’m depressed, i’m cold even though the weather may well be changing here. I have reached new depths of desperation in wanting to get “the voice” to leave me alone. My last blog i freely admit, i gave the feeling of being a bit more positive. I even have booked my first hypnotherapy appointment. I am praying to all God’s who will listen. I want it to work but i know it is going to be long process. Something that frustrates me because i want to be better sooner rather than later. My obsessive behaviour has reached new heights since i have started the new job. I said in the last blog that i was restricting, i now miss lunch because i simply feel i am not working hard enough and burning enough calories throughout the day. I do my workout 3 times in the morning and 3 times when i get home from work. I do not have enough strength to do 3 workouts in the morning let alone 3 when i get home. “The voice” seems to think it is acceptable to push my body to the limit where i will almost certainly collapse.
Wednesday was a day off for me. I was to pick Number 1 up from school, something i was looking forward to. However i had the hours in between to kill before i could pick her up. I tried my best to keep my mind occupied but could i do that?? Oh no!! Definitely not!!! “The voice” was in full shouting mode. Shouting mode has not been heard for a couple of weeks which was quite good. Made me think i was making progress. I think this was a false dawn. I believe that with all that was going on, leaving my old job and starting new one has kept me busy. This in turn has kept “the voice” in the background somewhat. However he has crept up on me from the blind side. “The voice” has taken another sneaky route to get to the front of my thoughts. Why has he done this? Well maybe he thought he was getting pushed out. To a certain degree he maybe was?? Maybe i got complacent? Maybe i took my eye off the ball in keeping him in the background? Who knows? But he has formulated a plan to weasel his way to get back in control. “The voice” has even made me think eating a salad is bad for me. I have been checking my face virtually every hour in the belief that fat face is coming back. I look, i firmly believe it is coming back. I mean how insane!!!! Yes yes i use this word every blog, but lets be honest…….It is INSANE!!!!!!!
As i said, i picked up Number 1 from school Wednesday. I treated her to McDonalds for her dinner. Again i sat there without anything, Number 1 asked why i was not eating i just made up some flimsy excuse that i had something at home………… Indeed i did have something at home “safe food” pathetic food that will not even sustain me. In reality i sat in there looking around cursing myself. The place was packed! I watched fathers, mothers, kids, families, friends all sitting there eating, laughing, enjoying the food. Now this is not a commentary on whether McDonalds is good or bad food this is commentary on the fact that all these people were eating with no thought what so ever……..WHY CAN I NOT DO THAT???????? I should have been sitting there with Number 1 having a laugh messing around having the father daughter moments that i can look back on. Instead i was sitting there thinking i was getting fat just by being in the damn place!!! I cannot stress this point enough i am INSANE! These thoughts are just not right, i fucking know that but can i stop them? NO!! Excuse my language but this is how much it is getting to me now!!! I have had to stop myself from just packing a bag and disappearing, this is how close to the edge i am at the moment. How can disappearing help? It can’t end of story! The disorder and “the voice” will of course come with me!!!!
Back at work on Thursday and i was doing the late night…. Well! Late in the new job world, this shift was a relative breeze compared to my last job. So being “late” home dinner was missed. I have this thought in my head now that this is the only sensible option. Easier job as such, not much travelling, so in turn not much energy burnt. I firmly believe that this is possibly up there with some of the most absurd thoughts that i have ever had!!! I mean……. I justify this to myself in such a way that i cannot even begin to give you a reason why i have ended up thinking this way. Is it me thinking this thought or “the voice”??? I just don’t know anymore………….. I think myself and “the voice” are merging into one!!
As i write this i am currently in the middle of working all weekend. Everything so far has been a drama for me, from getting up in the morning to going to bed at night…………. I wake up tired, i go to bed late but never really rest. I sleep but my sleep is not restful, i wake every couple of hours stay awake for a bit then drift off back to sleep. There is no reason for this it is something that just happens, relaxation has long since left me these days. Move move move is all i hear. Pedometer has to be on and i check that religiously to make sure i am on course to do the 10,000 steps……………. The obsessive routine i have got myself into is ruining my life. Like i said i am tired when i wake up yet what do i do? The exercises of course, 3 sets which leave me more tired as i have no fuel to actually be able to do it. I do not need to do it yet i do. OCD madness!!!!!!
As we reach Sunday and i post this all for you to have a good laugh at. I have finished my weekend of work. First one i have done since starting this new job. Why they put me in charge of the shop this early is beyond me???? Anyway tomorrow is a day off. A few bits and pieces to do…. Get up, exercise before anything else obviously!!! Then its off to the coffee house to meet up with some one who has supported me from day one. Afternoon i will be picking Number 1 up from school something that i am looking forward to as ever. I will spend a few hours with her, not long enough in my book. However that is just the way things are when you work in the industry that i do, although this company seem a little fairer with their weekend work time. Jury is still out on whether i like this new job. It does seem to be fueling more habits of restricting. Found myself quite weak on Saturday. Monday however looks like it could be a milestone day though…………. I have my first hypnotherapy appointment. Now i am not expecting a miracle result from this session, i am not going to walk out cured…… although that would be nice if that were to happen. I am interested in how the session will go? I want to see how the hypnotherapist addresses the issues i have. The hardest thing of this appointment i think will be to relax enough. As i have said i do not relax at all these days so this will be interesting to see how i will react to the suggestion?? An interesting session by the sounds of it. Obviously i will post at some point about how it all went………………………………
*Dedicated as ever to those who are supporting me.
Peace and Love