Hey guys let me just post this to illustrate how i am feeling at the moment. I love this song for other reasons. However the quickness of the rifts perfectly reflect my life and head since i last posted.
All the fun of the fair as you can tell…….
It has been a week since i last posted and i have not stopped. I have been back to work ever since Wednesday and this is my first day off since that. My shifts have been late night ones since then so tired is an under statement. Partner this with restricting it has been not a good route.
I finished the overnight on Tuesday morning and wearily made my way home. Of course stopping on the way to get the blood test done. God knows how i managed to stay awake whilst waiting but i did. That done i went home and crawled into bed, i did not really want to sleep for too long as i knew it would mess up my nights sleep. So after a few hours sleep i made my way to the coffee house to chill and catch up with a few things emails blogs etc……..It’s amazing how much you miss. Some very good blogs which i follow had all posted 2 or 3 times at least! Puts my 1 whenever to shame.
So little update on things. Every shift as i said has been a late since i have been back, Number 1 was on half term from school i missed that, Number 1 lost a tooth missed that, various other things have happened but i cannot remember if they are important or not?? Possibly they are but they are in the past now……………… My restricting has new levels and i sat and worked it out that i have not had a warm meal in nearly 10 days!!! I am now just not hungry what so ever and am purely living on the porridge and a pitiful bit of salad. Destruction is on the way!!!!!! Yes that is blunt!!!! But what other word can i use…………. I am now in the hands of “the voice” daily, he has convinced me that everything is fine. Of course i know that this is not fine, i am going backwards quicker than ever before. The road that i thought would be my guiding light has turned out to be a false dawn…………………
Now for the part of my life which i always seem to be good at….. I am going to let you all down!!!! I have handed my notice in at work……………. Things have got to the stage where my life is being controlled by this environment. I work and travel constantly and rarely have anytime to myself. I do not see Number 1 that much if i do see her, it is for a few hours after i pick her up from school. She has started asking me when i will be seeing her on a Sunday again (we used to spend every Sunday together in my last job). With my rotas how they are i can never give her an answer that will give her something to look forward to. Now you can see why i was having conflicting thoughts in my last blog. I am still unsure whether i have made the right choice?????? I have been accepted for a new job that is 25 minutes from my house hours are 9-6. I will still be working the odd weekend but the rota system that was described to me is a little more friendly than my current position. Now you are all sitting there thinking how is this a let down??? Well……..I left my last job with such high hopes that i would be on the road to a better life. However i felt i have failed this new adventure. I announced it in a blaze of glory back in September as the turning point. Every one supporting me glad that i was “happy”. Turns out in my eyes that i have let you all down…….. Typical Matt!!!! So again i am forced to apologise and hang my head in shame. Ridicule away i insist………..
I think this guilt is the reason i am restricting “the voice” making me punish myself for being no good yet again!!!!! Thoughts of just getting in my car, getting on a train, or a plane and just disappearing have been very strong at the front of my head. Where would i go??? Who knows??? Would it get me away from my problems??? No!!! It would make more!!!!!!! See a rational thought!!!!! Oooooh hold the front page……………………………………
So to this week? Blood test results back. 4.8 on the cholesterol which means no further action required which is a god send in one way i guess. Nothing else was flagged up either so i am healthy of sorts………………. I have seen Number 1 which cheered me up no end hearing all about her half term and her losing her tooth etc…… All these things i am missing makes me very sad. Her mother does try to keep me up to date with her activities but it is not the same a experiencing it first hand. This however is the way things are the new job may well give me a chance to have that little more time with her now the hours will be settled and not so up in the air. This is a positive to the new job……….So why do i feel like i have failed still??? My head will just not let go of that. The obsessive nature of my condition too i guess does not help. Until i get free of “the voice” i will continue down this path. Another example of how i am thinking is that someone commented the other day how well i looked!!!!! Well a nice compliment in most peoples eyes. For me well that set alarm bells ringing……. FAT FACE is back FAT FACE is back. Time to obsess in the mirror and look at every conceivable angle to see if this is in fact true????. Why this simple kind remark causes such panic and dread is way beyond my comprehension. I should be like “well thank you very much” Truth be known outwardly i may look “well” inside i am struggling. Still tired, still exercising obsessively, still aching, still restricting. I dare not weigh myself as i will get obsessive over that no doubt. That is something i do not want to get into. I have read from others how badly destructive this is. I do not really need to add anymore behaviour to the list!!!
So there you have it. Back to work tomorrow another late shift. I was working a mid shift but this has been changed as i have writing this. Oh well its what i do i guess.
*Dedicated to all those who continue to support me
Peace and Love