My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey continues……………………

Hi……………. Hope you guys are well??

Few days rest from the blog for you guys, which i am sure you are glad about………

Things have not exactly been great since the last post, i have had a lot on my mind what with work and wanting to try and push on with recovery. I went to the doctor on Monday to get my statins for my Cholesterol. The doctor looked at the results from the health check and found there were some anomalies in the numbers. Turns out it may not be as high as detected by the finger prick test that was taken at the check. I have now got to go for another blood test. Starvation mode to get an accurate reading (well that is not going to be hard is it now) I have decided to go on Tuesday morning on my way home from work. Yes on my way home from work. Monday i am doing an overnight at work for the new floor set out directive as they call it. I am working from 8pm until 8am. God knows what this will be like???? All i know is that the total hours i will spend working is 12 hours but collectively it is going to be one long long shift. So on my way home i will get the blood test done if i am still alive???

Like i said things have not been great. I have had a lot on my mind and have made a few decisions which are conflicting me. Even though the decisions have been made i am still not sure it is the correct one. My Mum, Number 1’s mum and a few very carefully selected people are the main people in my life i seek advice from….. They all firmly believe i have made the right choice and are 100% behind me. I have even written it down. The facts speaks for themselves. So………………………………. why am i in turmoil?????? I’ll tell you. It is the age old problem that i encounter i have let people down, i am worried what people will say. This is my problem i am so worried about this that i cannot see the goodness in front of me. The decision is right i know that deep deep down but why the HELL cannot i not see it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whilst at the doctors i reached and asked for help again. I asked about the CBT? The doctor can certainly get me back in touch with the help team but i need to be 100% ready to recover. Talking to me her initial thought is that i am not ready!!!! Maybe its true? When will i be ready that is the question?? Will it be when i am laying in hospital being drip fed!!!! Or having a tag put on my toe and having someone explain to Number 1 why Daddy is not around anymore. I must accept help and make the time to get the help. I am scared!! I am not afraid to admit that. But what a statement to make!!!!! Scared to get better!!!! Pathetic. When i have a cold you want to get better, when you break a bone you want to get better. What is the fundamental difference?????? Someone told me the other day that i have got to be selfish and start thinking of myself for once!!!!!!! Fuck everyone else!!!!!! Maybe i need to follow this advice??? Trouble is i am not built that way i have to please everyone else i do not care about myself anymore, i am worthless in my eyes…………………………………………….

I continue with this blog after the overnight has been completed. It was actually ok. It was a long long night it has to be said but the best way i can describe it is as an eye opener into the how a big company like this operates. There must have been at least 20 – 30 on this directive all given specific jobs to do throughout the night. We were not allowed to move onto the next section of work until it had been signed off by the head VM. (Visual Merchandiser). I must admit i struggled at a number points in the night. Of course i had to starve for the blood test in the morning which put a tremendous strain on my already weak body. There were times in the early hours when i just wanted to give up. This of course is not an option, again if i had then i would have let people down something as we all know i am trying not to do.  The night finished at 8am with the great and good of the company all turning up to walk through the final look. I must admit the shop does looking stunning, amazing amount of effort from everyone and it showed. The store has gone very minimalist. Lots of fixtures were removed from the floor making it lighter and spacious. Hopefully the customers will appreciate the new look and that will inspire them to buy all the newness that has touched down in store……….. I left to go home at just gone 8 the journey seemed longer than usual maybe because i was so tired. However i needed to get the blood test done before i could home. By the time i reached the hospital i was ready to search out a quiet room and just check myself in….. That is how tired i was. Blood test done, just the wait for the results now see what state my body is in??

I eventually crawled into bed at 10 am after i had done my exercises!!!!!! YES I KNOW!!!!! What the actual………………… Why i felt the need to do these is beyond me. It is just ingrained as part of my routine….. heaven forbid i can change it!!! Hopefully if i get the CBT i will be able to address the OCD behaviour. I finally dragged myself out of bed although i could have easily stayed there all day. I went and grabbed a tea and a quiet spot at the coffee house and tried to make myself relax and chill even though the desire to exercise yet again had hit me.

It is back to work tomorrow for me not much of a day off. I am not off again until next Tuesday when i will see Number 1. She is on half term this week but with the nature of my shifts i will not see her. I spent Sunday with her which was lovely, i sat and worked it out it was the first time i had spent a full day with her in over a week and a half. It may not seem that long a time but to me it is. As i said we spent the day together which was lovely we went to visit a beautiful stately home near to where i live, sadly the house was not open to the public even though the website said that it was, never mind we had a good look around the gardens and the little chapel that is housed in the grounds. She is really getting into history which is a passion of mine, as we walked around the chapel looking at all the graves and tributes to the family that have owned the home for generations she was constantly asking questions and pointing out little things that i missed or overlooked as unimportant. After the stately home we made our way bowling and to soft play. I miss the days like this……………………..

*Dedicated to those who continue to support me

Peace and Love

Matt

One thought on “My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey continues……………………

  1. Ahhh Matt, what am I going to do with you?
    ~chuckles softly shaking my head. i give you a cuddle before giving the top of your hair a kiss~
    I’m all typed out atm but you are in my thoughts. And get that butt to bed!
    ~gives you another quick hug before running off~

    Liked by 1 person

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