My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey continues……………………..

Well hello there. Do i continue??????? I am experiencing some blockage in the writing department. Mainly because i have no feelings at the moment…………………….

Strange statement i know. But sadly i do not feel anything. I am back at work after my week off and if i am honest i still have the hollow feeling. (Ahhhh there is a feeling you may say) I guess that is the feeling i have then. Confused???? So am i!! Join the journey i have every day it is fun!!! Honest!!!!

Like i said i am back to work, the hollow feeling is there everyday. The last few days in store have been spent with the eyes of my area manager constantly on me. Such fun!!! I do not know the guy very well thus some of his questions and conversation towards me has me very much on edge. I know damn well i am being tested. Trouble is i think i am failing. Do you ever get to that point where you feel everything you say is just wrong even though it sounds correct in your head???? He was questioning me on several things the other day which i knew……. i knew i knew them!!! But they were sounding wrong as they were coming out of my mouth. I must have sounded like a rambling mad man. Extra 2 months of probation i do not even think i will make the month if i am truly sounding like i am hearing myself. I know this is making no sense whatsoever. I just felt i needed to get out in the open before i go fully gaga.

So where are we??? Well you may very ask that question. I am not 100% sure as ever. This week has been another tough one on the road to trying to force myself to eat more and restrict less. I met up with an old friend from my last job on Tuesday. It was great to see her, we had a good chat about how things are going  with the job, how things are going with the recovery. She has been there from the very start of this journey and ii am grateful for that, there are not many who have…………………………. She felt i had lost more weight, which as you saw in the last blog with the health check is certainly the case. I told her all about the health check the regime that i was doing when i was at work along with all the thoughts that hound my every waking moment. She is a great listener and offers great insight and understanding into what i am going through. I took her through also what a typical day at work involves for me these days too. She could not believe the amount of work i have to do in a typical day.  We also discussed the thought of moving onto Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT for short. I am sure i have explained this before but here is a quick overview.

 

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a talking therapy that can help you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave.

It’s most commonly used to treat anxiety and depression, but can be useful for other mental and physical health problems.

How CBT works

CBT is based on the concept that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and actions are interconnected, and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap you in a vicious cycle.

CBT aims to help you deal with overwhelming problems in a more positive way by breaking them down into smaller parts. You’re shown how to change these negative patterns to improve the way you feel.

Unlike some other talking treatments, CBT deals with your current problems, rather than focusing on issues from your past. It looks for practical ways to improve your state of mind on a daily basis.

Uses for CBT

CBT has been shown to be an effective way of treating a number of different mental health conditions.

In addition to depression or anxiety disorders, CBT can also help people with:

CBT is also sometimes used to treat people with long-term health conditions, such as:

Although CBT can’t cure the physical symptoms of these conditions, it can help people cope better with their symptoms.

What happens during CBT sessions

If CBT is recommended, you’ll usually have a session with a therapist once a week or once every two weeks. The course of treatment usually lasts for between five and 20 sessions, with each session lasting 30-60 minutes.

During the sessions, you’ll work with your therapist to break down your problems into their separate parts – such as your thoughts, physical feelings and actions.

You and your therapist will analyse these areas to work out if they’re unrealistic or unhelpful and to determine the effect they have on each other and on you. Your therapist will then be able to help you work out how to change unhelpful thoughts and behaviours.

After working out what you can change, your therapist will ask you to practise these changes in your daily life and you’ll discuss how you got on during the next session.

The eventual aim of therapy is to teach you to apply the skills you’ve learnt during treatment to your daily life.

This should help you manage your problems and stop them having a negative impact on your life – even after your course of treatment finishes.

Pros and cons of CBT

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be as effective as medication in treating some mental health problems, but it may not be successful or suitable for everyone.

Some of the advantages of CBT include:

  • it may be helpful in cases where medication alone hasn’t worked
  • it can be completed in a relatively short period of time compared to other talking therapies
  • the highly structured nature of CBT means it can be provided in different formats, including in groups, self-help books and computer programs
  • it teaches you useful and practical strategies that can be used in everyday life – even after the treatment has finished

Some of the disadvantages of CBT to consider include:

  • you need to commit yourself to the process to get the most from it – a therapist can help and advise you, but they need your co-operation
  • attending regular CBT sessions and carrying out any extra work between sessions can take up a lot of your time
  • it may not be suitable for people with more complex mental health needs or learning difficulties – as it requires structured sessions
  • it involves confronting your emotions and anxieties – you may experience initial periods where you’re anxious or emotionally uncomfortable
  • it focuses on the individual’s capacity to change themselves (their thoughts, feelings and behaviours) – which doesn’t address any wider problems in systems or families that often have a significant impact on an individual’s health and wellbeing

Some critics also argue that because CBT only addresses current problems and focuses on specific issues, it doesn’t address the possible underlying causes of mental health conditions, such as an unhappy childhood.

Whilst the therapist i am seeing at the moment is great, i get some good stuff out of the sessions but sometimes feel that maybe it is not pushing me toward the ultimate goal as it were, and that is a way out of my cycle of restriction and obsession over food. I know i have said this on may occasions but this has to be the way forward, i have tried many things every since i realised i needed help. Some things have helped but i have not had stuck to the suggestions put to me. “The voice” telling me that i have no need to be in that place i am fine where i am. The thing is now, as my friend from my old job and one other who is helping me on the journey has told me is the fact that my internal organs are going to be the ones that are going to suffer from long term and possible irreversible effects of what i am doing to myself.

This in theory should scare me………. Deep down it does! But the other side of the coin is that i feel like i am in control, clearly i am not. “The voice” is and my god i need him to back off……………. I tell myself daily i need to get better i look in the mirror and still hate what i see, the fat face!!!!!! Yes yes i keep bleating on about it but this is what kicked all this off!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe i need to live in a world without mirrors and cameras. So so frustrating!!!!!!!  Hate for myself is at an all time high at the moment as i write this blog, analysing myself on a daily basis, having a strict routine of what and when i eat! Going into places and looking at calories etc………….

I would like to finish this blog with a poem!!! Yes you heard. I have seen many poems posted on blogs and i have always been impressed with the depth of the writing skill. I have not written one since my school days so if its no good then i do apologise.

“The voice” plays games in my waking hours

It has no respect for me

It serves to destroy

Yet i refuse to believe

Restrict this restrict that

You will look better that’s a fact

Follow this route and you will be fine

Doctors and specialists a waste of time

Sit back and let me control

This journey will bring you respect and admiration

Envious glances that draw the crowds to see the success

Sad truth is this will not be the case.

*Dedicated to those who continue to support me

Peace and Love

Matt

 

5 thoughts on “My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey continues……………………..

  1. Have you ever heard of Louise Hay’s mirror work? I read Wayne Dyer recommended it, so I tried it. Still doing it, when I remember to.
    Cudos to you for being brave enough to go into work. I was once put on a 90-day probation and was so upset that I put in my two weeks notice the next day. Regardless, I had a much better job four months later. Whatever happens with you, I’m sure it will be for the best, whether you choose to stay or go.
    Sending you healing thoughts —
    💕
    Shawna

    Liked by 2 people

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