My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey continues…………………….

Welcome to mid week. I am feeling a little emotional as i write this. I am not even sure why??? I am currently 4 days into my holiday and having done a few bits and pieces at home that i needed to do, i still feel as though i have A) Not achieved much B) Moved around a lot if that makes sense? I just cannot relax and just sit still for more than half an hour. It is doing my head in. “The voice” is banging on about losing weight restricting keep moving so that you can complete you steps for the day. For the first couple of days i was off i did not complete the 10,000 step target that the “experts” say everyone should be completing. I walk around for no reason what so ever just to get these steps up so that i can sit in bed at the end of the day and feel i have accomplished something. What is wrong with me? The fact that i am restricting in a big way has nothing to do with it. The incessant need to keep moving and keep active is driving me crazy!!!!!! I woke this morning aching all over i am not coming down with anything but i’m doing so much to keep active without fuelling my body that i fear i may well be creeping towards the edge of oblivion!!!!!!! Collapse or worse!!!! I wish this scared me as much as its sounds. Its so messed up. I was sent a link to a meditation guide. This was very insightful,  but was it helpful??? I sat and listened but for some reason the thoughts of moving around continued. ARRGHHHHHHH!!!! That’s me screaming by the way. Only in my head however. Maybe i need to go somewhere quiet and let the scream out properly!!!

The conflict that is going on in my mind is hurting me to the point i do not know whether i am coming or going!!! I want to relax i really, really do but “the voice” will just not let me. Some of you maybe thinking well he must be sitting down and writing this, so in essence he must be relaxing??? Case in point i may well be sitting down and typing this but the mind and all its thoughts of restriction are in full flow. Along with the thought of what i am going to do once i have finished this………. Current thought as i write this is “right lets walk this lets walk that” all has a pointless end to it. “Just sit the fuck down and chill, switch off!!!!!!!!!!!” Sorry for the language. Like i said i am feeling a little emotional right now.

My appointment with my therapist on Monday was helpful to say the least we spoke in depth about my new job, my feelings towards it, how it is affecting my recovery, along with how it is fulfilling my career progression. I am still feeling hollow about the whole probation thing which is definitely not helping my mood. I feel quiet disconnected from the job if i am honest. I had the probation meeting and was told as we all know that it is to be extended but not being at work has made me feel redundant and useless. I want to prove myself and get this job on a full time basis but this “holiday” has come at possibly the worst time in my eyes. I feel i have no control over this situation whilst i am off work. I just want to get on and prove that i can do the job that i was partly hired for back in October. Am i being to impatient?? Am asking to much of this situation?? Part of me wants to walk away and start again but what realistically is that going to achieve?? All it will achieve will be confirmation that i have been a let down again. I am in a horrible place. I have had advice from various people once i have explained the situation of the probation many think it is sitting in my favour. Why can i not see this???? Negative thoughts just conquer all the good things that i have worked for. You can see why i just want to walk away!!! Can’t you??? Its all bullshit isn’t it??? Am i talking crap???

I have a doctors appointment this afternoon. Well i say an appointment, it is an MOT as it were. I received a letter a few weeks ago from the doctors say now that i am over 40 i am entitled to a free health check up!!!!! I think we all know how that is going to go?? I will be weighed! I will be under weight (that’s a given). My blood pressure will probably be sky high. Here is what i am to expect this afternoon. Sounds fun!!!!


What happens at an NHS Health Check?

At your NHS Health Check you’ll have a few simple tests to check your risk of:

If you’re over 65, you’ll also be told the signs and symptoms of dementia to look out for.

How to prepare for your NHS Health Check

You won’t usually need to prepare for your NHS Health Check – particularly if you have it while out and about, say, at your local gym or leisure centre.

But if you’ve booked an appointment for your Health Check, check in advance whether you need to do anything to prepare. Your invitation letter should give you all the information you need.

On the day of your NHS Health Check

The NHS Health Check is carried out by a healthcare professional. This will usually be a nurse, but it could also be a doctor, pharmacist or healthcare assistant. The check takes about 20 to 30 minutes.

You’ll be asked some simple questions, including:

  • whether any of your close relatives have had the illnesses being checked for
  • if and how much you smoke
  • how much alcohol you drink, if any
  • what your diet is like
  • how much physical activity you do

Your weight and height will be measured to work out your body mass index (BMI).

Your waist may also be measured using a tape measure.

Your age, gender and ethnicity will be noted.

Your blood pressure will be taken using a cuff fitted over your upper arm – find out what happens during a blood pressure test.

You’ll have a small sample of blood taken from your finger to check your cholesterol level and possibly also your blood sugar level. Learn more about what happens during a cholesterol test.

Getting your results

You’ll usually be told your results during the appointment, but you may be asked to come back on another day to get your blood test results.

You’ll be given a risk score, which is an estimate of how likely you are to get heart disease, kidney disease and diabetes or have a stroke in the future.

The higher your risk score, the more likely you are to develop one of these illnesses.

Depending on your score, you’ll be given personalised advice about how to lower your risk with lifestyle changes.

This could include talking about how to:

You may also be referred to local services, such as stop smoking and physical activity services, to help you make any changes.

If you’re over 65, you’ll also be told the signs and symptoms of dementia to look out for.

Your risk score

If your risk score is in the higher range, you’ll be given lifestyle advice to help you reduce your risk and you may be prescribed medicines to lower your cholesterol level.

You may also be asked to come back for more tests to check for high blood pressure or diabetes, or to see if your kidneys are healthy.

A summary of the results of your NHS Health Check will be recorded in your confidential medical records, which can be accessed by your GP and other healthcare professionals who need to see it if you consult them. You’ll also be given a copy for your records.

As you can see all the fun of the fair and i think i am going to fail the MOT!!! This whole process should be an eye opener!!! Well you would think so? I guarantee “the voice” will laugh this off. “HAHAHA COME ON MATT ARE YOU GOING TO BELIEVE ALL THAT? LOOK HOW GOOD YOU LOOK!!!”

Inevitably i shall keep you up to date with this appointment at some point. If of course they do not put me down or something!!!

*Dedicated to all those who continue to support me

Peace and Love


3 thoughts on “My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey continues…………………….

  1. I hope things are calming down a little. Anything job-related always made me angsty. I have to practice giving up control on a regular basis. I just hand it over to the universe, and trust that the best will happen for everyone involved. It works! Even seemingly frustrating and “bad” situations have ultimately led toward something better. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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