My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey continues……………………….

Wow 2 in a week! It has been a long time since i have posted a double feature as it were.

I hope you guys are all ok?  I have done a little tinkering on the page as you can see. Hope you like?

Now if any of you read the last blog? I mentioned that my 3 month probationary period is up at work. Friday was D-DAY!!

My meeting with my manager was scheduled for 2:30pm (GMT). I did not actually get to see him until nearly 4:00pm (GMT). Lots of things were getting in the way which had to be sorted before he could eventually sit down and meet with me.

So to the meeting! I am not going to give you a minute by minute account of it, due to it being a private meeting. I will instead let you know how i feel about the decision that has been made.

The decision!!! After 3 months of this position i have had my probation extended by at least another 3 months or less!

It has left me with a hollow feeling. I now feel i am back to square one. A case of having to prove myself all over again when i feel and know i have done more than enough to secure the job. Where i go from here i have no idea?

Now how did this decision come about? You may well ask. Basically without going into too much detail, the tools and training for me to be successful in the role were not given to me due to the timing of me getting the position and coming on top of the busy Christmas period.  In my eyes being thrown in the deep end and having to sink or swim as it were has shown considerable strength and character.

So where from here? I have no idea. I have been given the onboarding pack as they call it. This is something that i have should have been given at the very beginning when i was taken on. As i said it has left me with a hollow feeling. It now seems to me that i have to start all over again, having to prove myself over another 3 months. I am frustrated to the point now where i am thinking of looking for another position? I understand that doing this is a little pointless due to the fact that if i did indeed move on i would have to prove myself at another job. However maybe this period would be a little more transparent than what i am going through at this moment in time………

Tomorrow see me return to my therapist as i have also mentioned. It will be the first time i have seen her since September? I am pretty sure that is the last appointment. Time flies……. I have plenty to talk about and get off my chest hopefully i will remember it all? I was advised by a fellow blogger to make a bullet point list which i shall be doing. Think it will be for the best that way everything i want to say that is important to me will be said.

I start my week holiday today as i write this…….. Feels a bit false to me? Considering i am back on probation. The biggest thing for me is that i need to relax!!! Relax, rest, chill, recover. Can any of things be done? Haha!!!!! I have very little faith that i can do this. “The voice” is certainly piping up as usual when i am not busy. Usual script of “Well Matt, you are not moving about as much so you do not need any food to get through the day. So lets keep it to an absolute minimum” GRRRRRRR LEAVE ME ALONE! is what i am screaming from the corner of my brain but the strength of  “the voice” will not listen to that tiny little whimper of bravery. Some of school as i have said before. I feel if i answer back then “the voice” will turn more nasty and punish me. Sounds pathetic how i am cowering from this!! “The voice” has me running scared, no matter where i try to hide he will always find me. Bullies are like that i guess. Always seem to find you no matter where you hide!

I have managed to make it through my first day of my holiday!! How can i be wishing time away??? It is something nobody should ever do, but it is exactly what i am doing. I have a few things that need attending to, but other that i have nothing to do. I will be picking Number 1 up from school on a few occasions so that is one thing i am looking forward to.  I cannot remember the last time i had holiday from work?? I always hear  stories of how people have spent their leave from work, how they have gone and done this done that etc……. My story will ultimately involve being ruled by these……………..

 

 

I am sure regular readers will recognise these!! Along with “the voice” these two apps have ruled my life for far to long. Maybe i should try and get rid of at least one this week. Delete the app on my current phone.  Maybe throw my old phone away! This topic is just one of the things i will be discussing tomorrow when i have my appointment. Hopefully we can come up with a plan or something that will slowly release me from the shackles. A plan to just nudge me onto the right path and give me a little ray of hope that i can indeed get my head in a good place once more.

*Dedicated to all those who continue to support me

Peace and Love

Matt

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