My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey continues……………………..

Well here we are again. Hope you are all well?

It has been over a week since my last blog. I am pretty sure i said that i would post a few more blogs this year? Sadly this has not worked out so far. I am currently in the old coffee shop sitting here writing this after finishing 7 days straight working. Tired is an understatement to how i am feeling!!!! I am not sure if it is all the hours or a mixture of that and the restricting that i am still doing. Embarrassingly i have to hold my hands up to this i firmly believe i am doing it on purpose now. Have i lost control?? Quite possibly i have? The routine that i have got into makes it easy to do this. The hours i am working make me leave work late at night and not get home until even later due to the commute, this has given me the perfect excuse to restrict. The excuse is “Hey, i am tired i just want to go to bed”. A feasible excuse for someone who is “well” i guess. But someone who is doing what i am doing it is just another excuse to leave out food. Over the last 7 days i do not think i have had a proper meal as it were? I have had bits and pieces but not sat down and had a proper meal. Consequently “the voice” is in full control. I basically let it rule my eating patterns (if i have a pattern of course)?

Now i have an appointment with my psychologist on 22nd of this Month. I have not seen her since October or maybe before i am not sure? All i know is that i need to talk or do i?? See this is where my mind is at. I am not sure what i am going to talk about? There is so much, but a lot of it sounds like complete garbage!! Or does it? What i write on here is garbage in my eyes. Ramblings of someone who just needs to pull himself together!!! The sessions i did have with last year i felt better for do not get me wrong. It was well worth the time i spent. However is it a case that i am going to go back and come out with the same stuff that she has heard before?? Curse this mind!!!!

With a week off work coming up next week i think i need to have a serious sit down and try and work this shit out (excuse the language). I made a comment on “a fractured faith’s” blog in response to a wonderfully written piece. This particular piece was on where his job takes him. He always posts questions in relation to the blog at the end. I do enjoy answering these! This particular question was an interesting one. The answer that i wrote shocked me because the words flowed out of my head onto the screen and were posted before i could even a second thought!!!! Could this be a case of rebellion??? If it is i am certain that i am stronger than i believe myself to currently be…………. Now what did he write some of you may well be thinking?? Well first up here is a link to the post. I hope he does not mind me sharing this. Give it a read see what you make of it. I think its a cracking read. Then again this blog is always on point whatever the topic.

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/66212528/posts/1732391006 

My answer as i said shocked me. Simply because i have never said the words out loud or even in my blog. Why have i not done that before?? Maybe i am scared of what you all may think???

So to the answer! If you scrolled down far enough then you have seen it. If not then as i said maybe it is about time i posted on my blog this statement!!

I love this part answering your questions you pose.
My crime scene is a mess at the moment it requires a lot of digging and work to get it all clear and to find motives etc………
No tribe as such for me, there are a few people who i can count on one hand that i sometimes let slip under the cordon. I have said before i am very distrusting of people these days. I am very afraid also to let these people to near as i may let them down just like i have let others down in my life………
I think the hidden message in my mess is HELP, I AM STRUGGLING, I AM LONELY. Wow!!! I think that is first time i have ever written that down!!!!!!!! Sorry

So there it is!!!! Bold and raw. I have surprised myself by keeping this in because i was in 2 minds whether to post it on my blog or leave it on someone else’s. Well its on here now. No hiding from you lot now. I have been hiding for to long possibly?? There are a few of you out there that do keep on at me and i thank you for being there along with apologising for letting you down constantly by continuing down the bad path.

Currently i am “enjoying” 2 days off or trying to? I have seen Number 1 which was enjoyable and fun as ever. My life without her so unbearably dull and boring, but seeing her this afternoon and tomorrow is obviously the highlight my week.  Things always seem so much rosier when i am with her.

Friday is D DAY at work. It is the end of my 3 month probationary period. I received an email today stating that i am to have a meeting to discuss my performance over the 3 month period. The result of this meeting may well result in me either getting the job on a permanent  basis or being let go and cast into the wilderness to find another job. If i am honest i am not looking forward to this meeting. Alongside everything else i have going on i just want to have some sort of control over one part of my life. I am preparing for the worst as i inevitably do. I feel i have done enough, if not more than enough to secure the position but in the eyes of my superiors i may not have shown enough. It is completely out of my hands. I will have let Number 1 down if i do not secure this job permanently, all my thoughts are now geared to thinking how i am going to support her if it takes me a while to find a new job???? Best start looking i guess………………………..

*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me

Peace and Love

Matt

 

7 thoughts on “My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey continues……………………..

  1. Hi Matt, I am so glad you have an appointment with the psychologist. I hope it goes well. I always found it useful to make some bullet points to take into appointments with me so I don’t forget to mention anything. I hope you can come up with some sort of action plan that will help you. Best of luck for the work meeting, I am sure the outcome will be good. Have faith in yourself. All the best,Ula.

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  2. I hope it goes well too. Good idea on the bullet points i feel the need to lay out like that. It could get complicated otherwise. I am trying to have faith but at the moment i have so much on top of me it is difficult.

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  3. ~smiles broadly and waves~ I wondered which of your posts Lawrence found that key statement in, Matt.
    I did look. Alas I could not find it because you didn’t have a “search” function at the time. Plus I started from the “beginning”, not the “now”. If I had done things normally I might have found it rather quickly.

    Anyhoos, I wanted to say that you sound like a great father! That was the key thing I picked up from when I last visited your journal. Any good fathers need congratulating in my eyes.
    It was your words that actually sparked my writing about fathers but I couldn’t find anything of yours to add from the first few months of your journal other than the odd sentence here and there. Maybe I can find something now I’m coming back to have another sticky-beak so I can start on “Part II”.

    Sadly I’ve never been one for fashion, so don’t know a thing about that stuff. I can make clothes if needed but nothing particularly special.

    ~tilts head, watching you closely for a minute~ Forgive my coming curiosity, there are undercurrents in your writing I cannot help but notice. Please do tell me if I am out of place here Matt, but would the term “pet” make you smile? Make you think happy thoughts? If not, or you haven’t a clue what I’m nattering on about, just tell me I’m “an idiot” and to “nick off!” ~laughs~

    I’m not be on them thar platitudes that people throw around at broken people like us. So I will just say that I “hear, see, and feel you”, hoping that will mean something a little more to you than that other crap.

    Ohh and I hope it is not as bad at you believe it is with your boss at work. I know how easy it is to overthink things that you have said.
    I do it all the time. I will do it after I send this your way! Curse myself for sending, and writing, it in the first place. You need not waste your time answering this, I just wanted to say “Hi” now that I have found the right entry!

    ~smiles, waves and wanders off into the darkness~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ashe Thank you very much for taking the time to read my blog, it means a lot to me that people are taking an interest. It means even more to me when people take the time to comment. So in turn i reply to all comments. Just to let you know it did make me smile you calling me “pet”. I rarely smile these days there are only certain times and moments that i let my guard down as it were. I will be completely honest and say to have hit the nail on the head with the undercurrent in my writing. I am a deeply unhappy and frustrated person. I struggle to think any happy thoughts these days, especially with how my fight against my ED is going. I believe i am making things worse and that i cannot really or do not really want to do anything about it….. The fight has gone out of me. I know how this sounds but it is just the feelings i am experiencing at this moment in time. I think this is adding to the overthinking of my work too, but as you know things pile up when you are broken as you so correctly put it. I am truly touched like i said that you have taken time to read and to send such a nice message. Please do not curse yourself for sending the message. I am glad to have your support. Please keep in touch. Peace and Love Matt

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      1. ~smiles broadly, plonks down and pats the floor next to me~
        Just saw this as I was “logging off” for the day Matt. I need to catch up on some sleep as it’s been so darn hot the past week I haven’t slept, but I think you need smiles more than missing out on a bit of sleep.
        You should be in bed too btw. -tsk tsk-

        You didn’t need to respond, however I understand the need to give respect, or gratitude, to those that offer it to you. I have a tendency to write, a lot, so I always feel bad taking up someones time and page space.

        ~smiles chuckling with the slightest of nods~ I thought as much Matt. That simple word holds a lot of weight and meaning to people like us. There is a lot I want to say to you, but am reluctant due to this being such a public venue. And I don’t want to just barge into your private space without permission. I won’t say anymore about this here out of respect for you. And please feel free to delete this paragraph if you feel I have said too much.

        Yes, I can see how down you are in your words and what’s eddying behind them. People like us need that guiding hand so that we don’t self destruct. Without it, life can, and will, spiral out of control until we hit rock bottom and start to flounder. I’ve been there, I’m still here. It’s so overwhelming sometimes and when things keep going wrong it’s easy to lose sight of what is important to us. I think we lose a part of our identity if I am brutally honest. I am one part of a whole and without that other side I’ll never be complete. I am sure you know what I’m saying here Matt.

        I cannot offer advice about EDs because I’ve never been there. But your story frightened me because a part of my plan was to get “healthy” way back when. I have poor impulse control and don’t know when to stop.

        ~sighs thinking~ I can however offer you support, and maybe smiles if you desire it, pet. I think we are on the same page here, I know what you need.

        I found a lovely few sentences about your Number One when I was going through your next installment of months. They made me smile and think that it is the little things that are so special. I wish there was a way you could see your lil’ girl more often because I know means the world to you. As I am sure she loves her Daddy. ~smiles~

        Anyway, I need to goo Matt. My eyes are going drop out of my head if I don’t get some sleep.

        I hope this puts a smile on your face, and feel free to get in touch with me if you ever need to talk. I’m as good a “listener” as i am a “talker”. ~smiles chuckling~
        I hope you manage to get a decent sleep and feel a bit better come the morrow…. Uhh the morn. The morrow is here up there!
        I wish you well Matt.
        Ashe [Cami]
        ~gives you a quick peck on the cheek and runs off to bed~

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