Well here we are again. Hope you are all well?
It has been over a week since my last blog. I am pretty sure i said that i would post a few more blogs this year? Sadly this has not worked out so far. I am currently in the old coffee shop sitting here writing this after finishing 7 days straight working. Tired is an understatement to how i am feeling!!!! I am not sure if it is all the hours or a mixture of that and the restricting that i am still doing. Embarrassingly i have to hold my hands up to this i firmly believe i am doing it on purpose now. Have i lost control?? Quite possibly i have? The routine that i have got into makes it easy to do this. The hours i am working make me leave work late at night and not get home until even later due to the commute, this has given me the perfect excuse to restrict. The excuse is “Hey, i am tired i just want to go to bed”. A feasible excuse for someone who is “well” i guess. But someone who is doing what i am doing it is just another excuse to leave out food. Over the last 7 days i do not think i have had a proper meal as it were? I have had bits and pieces but not sat down and had a proper meal. Consequently “the voice” is in full control. I basically let it rule my eating patterns (if i have a pattern of course)?
Now i have an appointment with my psychologist on 22nd of this Month. I have not seen her since October or maybe before i am not sure? All i know is that i need to talk or do i?? See this is where my mind is at. I am not sure what i am going to talk about? There is so much, but a lot of it sounds like complete garbage!! Or does it? What i write on here is garbage in my eyes. Ramblings of someone who just needs to pull himself together!!! The sessions i did have with last year i felt better for do not get me wrong. It was well worth the time i spent. However is it a case that i am going to go back and come out with the same stuff that she has heard before?? Curse this mind!!!!
With a week off work coming up next week i think i need to have a serious sit down and try and work this shit out (excuse the language). I made a comment on “a fractured faith’s” blog in response to a wonderfully written piece. This particular piece was on where his job takes him. He always posts questions in relation to the blog at the end. I do enjoy answering these! This particular question was an interesting one. The answer that i wrote shocked me because the words flowed out of my head onto the screen and were posted before i could even a second thought!!!! Could this be a case of rebellion??? If it is i am certain that i am stronger than i believe myself to currently be…………. Now what did he write some of you may well be thinking?? Well first up here is a link to the post. I hope he does not mind me sharing this. Give it a read see what you make of it. I think its a cracking read. Then again this blog is always on point whatever the topic.
My answer as i said shocked me. Simply because i have never said the words out loud or even in my blog. Why have i not done that before?? Maybe i am scared of what you all may think???
So to the answer! If you scrolled down far enough then you have seen it. If not then as i said maybe it is about time i posted on my blog this statement!!
I love this part answering your questions you pose.
My crime scene is a mess at the moment it requires a lot of digging and work to get it all clear and to find motives etc………
No tribe as such for me, there are a few people who i can count on one hand that i sometimes let slip under the cordon. I have said before i am very distrusting of people these days. I am very afraid also to let these people to near as i may let them down just like i have let others down in my life………
I think the hidden message in my mess is HELP, I AM STRUGGLING, I AM LONELY. Wow!!! I think that is first time i have ever written that down!!!!!!!! Sorry
So there it is!!!! Bold and raw. I have surprised myself by keeping this in because i was in 2 minds whether to post it on my blog or leave it on someone else’s. Well its on here now. No hiding from you lot now. I have been hiding for to long possibly?? There are a few of you out there that do keep on at me and i thank you for being there along with apologising for letting you down constantly by continuing down the bad path.
Currently i am “enjoying” 2 days off or trying to? I have seen Number 1 which was enjoyable and fun as ever. My life without her so unbearably dull and boring, but seeing her this afternoon and tomorrow is obviously the highlight my week. Things always seem so much rosier when i am with her.
Friday is D DAY at work. It is the end of my 3 month probationary period. I received an email today stating that i am to have a meeting to discuss my performance over the 3 month period. The result of this meeting may well result in me either getting the job on a permanent basis or being let go and cast into the wilderness to find another job. If i am honest i am not looking forward to this meeting. Alongside everything else i have going on i just want to have some sort of control over one part of my life. I am preparing for the worst as i inevitably do. I feel i have done enough, if not more than enough to secure the position but in the eyes of my superiors i may not have shown enough. It is completely out of my hands. I will have let Number 1 down if i do not secure this job permanently, all my thoughts are now geared to thinking how i am going to support her if it takes me a while to find a new job???? Best start looking i guess………………………..
*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me
Peace and Love