Well a happy 2018 to one and all. I hope you all saw the new year in safely?? I for one certainly did. I was in bed by 11. Work next day, matched with a total lack of desire to actually celebrate. After the year i had i felt it suitable not to bother i just wanted to be alone and to try and work out where i am going, what am i doing etc…………
So as stated back to work was New Years Day’s event. Standard day for retailers spending the morning doing absolutely nothing as the revellers awoke or went to sleep after previous nights activities. If i am honest it was nice to ease into the day as it were after the Christmas period of utter madness and the sales after that. However this is me we are sitting here talking about!!!! I needed to keep moving.!!
Restriction has still been a high priority for “the voice” so not much has changed there. Bizarrely i feel ok with it? I know that my body is in starvation mode and this is the reason why i do not feel hungry or have any desire to eat. Anything that i do eat is very little and has to be in my eyes under 200 calories !! Salad and fruit i what is dominating my “diet” sometimes with maybe some chicken or pork. Along with the old story of keeping as far away from carbs as possible. I have reached the stage now where i am researching KETO diets. These are low carb diets with focus on eating less carbs and more meat, vegetables, fruit etc. I am not sure if this is particularly good for me considering i need to build up my eating and calorie intake in order to put some weight on.
What is the Ketogenic Diet?
A ketogenic diet is quite simply any diet that forces the body into a process called ketosis, whereby fats are burned instead of carbohydrates for use as energy. A proper ketogenic diet calls for the dieter to consume high amounts of fat, adequate amounts of protein, and very low amounts of carbohydrates. Our bodies are used to turning carbohydrates into glucose to send all over the body as energy. When we enter ketosis by sufficiently limiting our carbohydrate intake, our livers start breaking down fat cells into fatty acids and ketones, to be used as energy.
Now does this sound like the type of thing that will get me better??? I am not sure?? I sit here in a vain attempt to convince myself and “the voice” that this is indeed the best thing for me. I do not even know who or what to believe anymore. Eating to me is just poison. No matter what type of food goes near my mouth i have to check calories. Now looking at this KETOGENIC diet i am looking further into food! What it contains carb wise, fat content etc………. CRAZY!!! Do any diets actually work???????
So to the year ahead? Do i have a plan? What is my goal for this year? I know what the answer to those questions should be……….Recovery!! Sadly i have very little faith in myself that i can actually do it. The doubt hits me for the simple reason that i am confused as hell at the moment. I go from day to day believing that i am fine. Why do i think this? I don’t know? A simple answer. I look at myself in the mirror i see the face staring back at me that i want to have. No fat face!!!! I bumped into a guy last week an old friend (well i like to think that he is a friend). We had a nice chat i opened up to him about what i am going through, he was very supportive and offered a sympathetic ear to the plight i was going through. I even went as far as to show him some of the pictures that i used to take of myself in the evenings. You know the face pics that i stopped taking some months ago. Still to this date my only success i feel on this journey. He took one look at them and told me that was not me. “Its not you Matt” were his exact words. He went on to tell me he never thought i had a fat face, that he always recognised me as the guy who was passionate about clothes who always wanted to look and dress good, that’s the Matt he knows! Curiously he is not the first to say that about my face. He is not the first to say about my clothes. A guy who i have come to refer to as a new friend has also commented on my clothing. His words to me were “Your clothes do not look as good on you as they used to” Could they be right? Are others thinking the same? “The voice” laughs off such ridiculous statements as jealousy. “Of course you look good! This is the image you wanted. You look great!!” Do i look great??? I look, i analyse, i obsess and to me i do. The image staring back as i said is what i aimed for?? Is it??? Truth is that it is a sick, sad, lonely, and extremely unhappy image. See i can admit it on here. Why oh why can i not get what i write down here up into my head to confront “the voice”?
I plod on in the same manner that i have become accustomed to for the past year or more. Feel like i am blindly wandering just bumping into one thing and another not really finding any direction?
Currently i am on 2 days off from work, i have nothing to do except wait to pick up Number 1 from school something that i am very much looking forward to as ever………………….Now the waiting is where i struggle. Every day off is a minefield of negativity. I literally have nothing to do. I buzz around doing house work and various other tasks that i do not have time for during my working week and of course keeping moving. Once finished ideally relax?? Have a cup of tea, read a book, HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT!!!!! Can i do any of these things?? NO!!! The mind starts working over time unwanted thoughts of restriction enter the mind. If i am not doing anything then i do not need to eat, this of course is an utter fallacy. Maybe if i actually had some proper food my mind will be able to think and try to rationalise everything that is going on!!!!
I curse my overthinking brain everyday. Having like i said in a previous blog that i have to overthink and over analyse every single part of my life!!!! All i want is my brain to switch off just once in a while. I am tired of the constant thoughts, i am tired of “the voice” with its continuous, repetitive, boring drone, tired of letting my daughter down, tired of letting those who are trying to help me down, tired of punishing myself, tired of the whole scenario that has been created, tired of counting calories, tired of looking at every bit of food as the enemy, tired of feeling cold every single day, tired of looking in the mirror to check to see if the fat face is coming back, tired of my obsessive desire to keep moving. In fact i am just TIRED!!!
I booked in to see my psychologist today. I think it is the only way to go, before i actually go super crazy and be taken away in a straight jacket. I am not seeing her for another week due to work shifts etc. At least i have booked in that is all i can say……….
Sorry that the New Year cannot bring a new fully focused blog but it has been a very tough couple of weeks.
*Dedicated to all those who continue to support me. You deserve a medal.
Peace and Love