We have arrived………. The last blog of the year!!! Where has the time gone?? Who knows????? All i know is that it has been a revealing one for me. As stated in my last post it has been the one of toughest years of my life………
I sit here thinking and looking back at how my blog has evolved from fashion through to a very personal and revealing battle against an eating disorder and mental health issues. I have gained many followers and got to know wonderful people through sharing my blog.
Although i have been under many doctors and specialist since May, looking back at all the work and effort they have put in to help me i cannot help but feel i have let them all down. Many sessions of talking through the issues the issues along with suggesting ways to improve my diet and get back on the right track have proved fruitless. No matter how hard i try even with facts in from of me, staring at me, black and white, plain and simple. My head will not register how much i need to take these facts on board. If anything i think i may be getting worse??? Restricting is very high now, i often more than 10 hours without eating or drinking anything, one proper meal in a day has been the course ever since Christmas Day…………….
That statement brings me neatly to Christmas. If you happened to catch the last blog i stated with some bravado that it could well be a turning point for me!!!! In fact it was anything but. Christmas morning was spent with Number 1. As i was working Boxing Day i made my way over with her presents for a couple of hours before Number 1 and her mother spent the day with family. As i walked through the door with my bounty of goods, i was greeted by a sea of presents and wrapping paper and one very excited Number 1………… She showed me all what she had received and from whom…. this one from santa, this one from mummy, this one from nanny and grandad, the list went on. I set my bits and pieces and the fun for her started again unwrapping all what i had got for her. She was very spoilt i must admit but Number 1 is Number 1 for that reason. She is my light. my life line the one reason i keep going despite wanting to give up and let myself sink.
Once all the presents were open we set about playing with the various bits and pieces she had received which was great fun. We made lip gloss with her very own lip gloss maker that i bought her, we painted her nails so that she could have pretty nails for the big day. There was so much more she wanted to play with but with so much and time running short we had to curtail the fun. The time just flew by and soon it was time for them to prepare to get ready to make their way to visit friends and family. It was a wrench for me to leave her as i knew i would not be seeing her until the new year now. Work schedule dictating my life at one of the busiest times of the year. I left Number 1 giving a final kiss a promising i would see her ASAP.
As i drove home “the voice” piped up with malicious intent. Loud, bullying, repetitive, unforgiving……….”Well what you gonna do now Matt? Where you gonna go? No coffee house to keep you occupied its Christmas Day!!!!” Already this early in the day i was losing it!!! The day after seeing Number 1 was a day spent with my Mum, Sister, Brother-in-Law and Nephews. Something that should have been fun relaxing was turning into a fight that i was inevitably going to lose. I arrived home already trying to think how i could keep myself busy until it was time to make my way to my Sisters for lunch. “The voice” firmly in control……………….
I wrote in my previous blog that i felt Christmas could be make or break for me. It sadly turned into the latter. Once home i could not relax knowing that i was to have a proper meal…. I mean how insane is that? A time of year when indulgence is part of the course and in past years i have certainly indulged. This year the whole fabric of life came crashing down around me!!!! For a start i walked to my sisters……. Nothing wrong with that i hear you say. Admittedly there is nothing wrong with that, after all she only lives 10 mins away on foot. However i only had one thing on my mind! My step and calorie counters that rule my every waking moment.
And here they are!!!! The 2 things that have ruled my life for god knows how long now, things that i really want to get rid of but i do not have the guts to do. First up i should let you know as you can probably tell it is an old mobile phone. I have a new one but i keep this with me everywhere i go. The pic on the left is counting how many hours i have been active along with the number of calories i have burnt. Whether this is an accurate count i have not got a clue?? “The voice” is happy with seeing it on a daily basis so i guess as we all know at the moment “the voice” gets what “the voice” wants. On the right hand side is of course the step counter. Now i saw something a few years ago stating we should all be doing 10,000 steps in a day. So seeing that i uploaded the app and of course set about the target of 10,000. 17,776 steps today mighty impressive!!!!!! Or is it just completely insane that i let these 2 rule me? I shall highlight just the one instance that being the step counter! This has created such an intense desire to complete it everyday. Whilst i admit i am on my feet all day at work and 10,000 is always possible. (Ooooh well done Matt!) Now on my days off, this app plays such an important role in my day. If i come up shy of the 10,000 then alarm bells will go off. This is how bad i am i make senseless walks and detours just to get the steps up. A day when i should be resting, chilling out, etc and i am worried about whether it gets to 10,000 or not?
So after that little explanation you can all see where i am going with this for Christmas Day. I walked to my sisters just for the steps!!!!!!!!!!! I mean what the actual fuck!!!! (excuse my language). But come on this is taking it to a whole other level. Many many time is have thought about deleting both of these apps but i just cannot bring myself to do it!!!! Another part of the journey incomplete in my eyes. I firmly believe if i were to not have these with me i may just may get on a steady path. Little distractions you see? Out of sight of of mind as they say. Maybe i should just break it, throw it against a wall (oh hang on, not enough strength or energy for that…..) Throw it in the river maybe. Gone never coming back etc…………A consideration certainly??
I arrived at my sisters to be greeted by 2 very excited nephews! Instead of being all Christmasy as i walked through the door my first thought was to the smell of the cooking food. It smelt divine!!!!! All of a sudden “the voice” piped up! “Hang on, hang on!!! That is roast potatoes if i am not mistaken??? Come on now Matt we both know what that means?? CARBS!!!! We know what Carbs equals dont we??? FAT FACE!!!!” All i wanted to do was turn and just spend the day alone walking….anything to just get away from the apparent danger food. Totally irrational thoughts that i just could not control. I stayed and tried to make myself busy by playing with my nephews asking them about what they had got for Christmas. Sadly nothing was going to stop the smell and the thoughts getting to me. The dinner was served and my eyes immediately scanned the plate for how many potatoes were served up. Admittedly there were not many but all i saw was a Carb fest……..Could i eat this was the question running through my head? I had to, i needed to there was no questioning it. I plucked up the courage and ate. The dinner was nice i am not going to deny that, but my god the guilt and “the voice” were in full effect. I declined dessert once finished and vowed to myself that would be it for the rest of the day no more food.
As the afternoon wore on my anxiety was peaking. I mean we moved from the dinner table to the living room to sit down. I needed to move!!!! These carbs needed to be burnt off!!!! What could i do???? Nothing was the answer i sat quiet trying to gather some positive thoughts trying reason with myself, telling myself everything was ok it was fine. It wasn’t fine! Somehow the conversation rounded to what i was doing to myself, i was in tears telling everyone how i had let them down by getting into this state in the first place. My family were trying there best to support me but they knew that the words were not being taken in. No sooner had they got into my head “the voice” was just dismissing everything that was being said to me. Utter carnage, shameful unforgivable in my eyes. Eventually all went quiet my family could see i was not coping well. There was no getting through to me……………
The day drew to a close and it was time to make our way home. Inevitably i walked home, i declined the lift from my Mum. I needed to be alone also as we can all guess i needed those steps to burn off my “sin”. I walked home in a daze negative thought after negative thought just bombarding me what had i done???? The answer was simple i had done nothing in the real world. However in my world i had gone against everything that i was working to!!!(What am i working to??? Oh that’s right early grave if i carry on.) Things were not going well. Not only was i missing Number 1 knowing that i was working on Boxing Day for the first time in 5 years. I also knew that i was sinking fast. I got home and i exercised doing the workout app on my ipad another thing that rules my existence. Shameful behaviour i know but it was the only thing i knew to do.
Later that evening my Mum sat down and told me she was going to make me something to eat. She was going to have the same, same portion everything. I agreed i had to do something to push myself forward. I ate this too. For some reason there was not so much guilt attached to this meal??? I have still to work out why?????
So there you have it my Christmas Day!!!! I was back to work Boxing Day with very mixed emotions. As i said for the first time in 5 years i was working and not seeing Number 1 which i was very upset about. On the flip side…The selfish side i was glad to be back to work keeping busy keeping moving etc…..again using the apps along with a chance to burn off more of the dinner and the dreaded CARBS!!!
I have been back to work since Boxing Day now and am not due a day off until January 2nd. I am not sure how i have managed considering how busy we have been and due to the fact i have restricted pretty badly. I am not proud of this but i am being led down this route and i have no idea how to just stop say no and turn around and go back towards the right path. I should make a new years resolution to make it the turnaround point i know that this will not be easy if at all possible. I need to do something people i am getting desperate. All i want is my health, my self esteem, my self worth and my life back……………….
We are into the last day of the year as i post this. I just want to say thank you to you all at whatever point you have joined the journey. Your messages of support have been overwhelming.
Special thanks to Ula @liveloverunagain, Stephen @afracturedfaithblog, Penny @penny wilson writes, Brad @fitdaddancing, and Shawna @finding a sober miracle. Your kind words have been a great source of comfort and hope.
*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me.
I wish you all a Happy New Year.
Peace and Love