So here we are. We have arrived at the many people’s favourite time of year. Hope you guys are well and are looking forward to the festive period??
We move towards the end of one of the most difficult years of my life.
A time for reflection.
In May i announced i was suffering from an Eating Disorder. This started as Exercise Bulimia. I am not going to go into to much detail but this type of Bulimia is where the sufferer has the need to exercise the calories that have been taken into the body away. Excessive exercise was a replacement for my obvious unhappiness from the year before where i let all my friends down and began to feel trapped in my job. I consulted a Doctor after seeing an article on the news and connecting to the website that was suggested. I answered 98% of the questions as yes, this is when i knew i had a problem. It took a few trips to different Doctors to finally get the help i needed. As i started the “recovery” process as it were with the various specialists that i was assigned to i began to realise how deep i was in. Still regardless i carried on punishing myself even though i had given up the exercise on Doctors advice. The Exercise Bulimia quickly turned into Anorexia. I just stopped eating properly simple as that. “The Voice” as i call it took up residence in my head and to this day dictates my every move when it comes to food.
“The Voice” as i said still controls my every waking thought. How i let him do this is something that i do not think i will ever completely understand? A complex blocking of sane and rational thoughts is what i have concluded. Can i fight my corner and remove him from my head?? Some days i believe i can, other days……………. well i get nowhere near having a positive thought. As i write this i am sitting in the middle between good and bad thoughts.
As many of you know who follow the blog i am almost 3 months into a new job. New position new location etc……. I was hoping that this fresh start would be the catalyst for a firmer footing on the road to recovery. Hmmm? I am not sure if i am on this firmer footing. I am stumbling along, that’s all i can say. I have questioned myself many times over the last few months as to whether i give up? I have no clear answer to that question? Part of me does, but there is the part of me that is just thinking i am doing fine as i am. I mean as i write this the sane part is shouting as loud as it can YOU ARE NOT DOING FINE!! LOOK AT YOU!! LOOK IN THE MIRROR!! I will look in said mirror and i will listen. Will i do anything about it?? NO!! Simply because “the voice” is stronger. I cannot switch away from it to the sane and sensible voice. It is certainly a strange situation i find myself in, i feel that the more risks i take the less i need to think about the whole getting better thing?? Does that make sense?? I am not even sure it does?
I head into the Christmas period having said previously that i could possibly use this as a major stepping stone towards recovery?? Now typical me i am now finding excuses as to not use this as a stepping stone……… This is my problem i over think and i over analyse every single thing that i do! I just cannot make a decision off the cuff as it were and just go along with it. I have to sit and pick apart every single piece to try and find fault with it!! Why do i do this???? I wish i knew?? Maybe i should try and pick apart why i think this way??? Well i sort of know why i do this…….. It is because i am not brave enough to trust my instincts! It is as simple as that!! I am scared. Scared to eat because i will get the fat face back!!! The fat face which i have tried so hard to get rid of. The fat face that let my friends down, the fat face that was holding me back in my career!!!!
So where does this all leave me??? Well i am working so hard currently i have no time to actually stop and think. I have Christmas Eve and inevitably Christmas Day off but i am back to work Boxing Day and working right through to the New Year. I then have a few days off to recover from the business of the Sales!! Today i spend with Number 1 i will also go and visit her on Christmas morning. I need to spend as much time with her as possible over this period. So any time off is Number 1 time, just the way i want it. I have no plans to go out over this period simply because i am not in a place in my life where i wish to socialise. Along with the fact i have no social circle. Maybe if i did have i would not be in the situation i am in. But you make your bed you lay in it as the saying goes. I have plans which i need to action in the New Year and these i think i will work on whenever i have moments free.
As i said this year has been one of the most difficult of my life. I want it to be over so that i can start afresh in the New Year. Hopefully this will result in a turn around of fortunes. Only i can do this but i firmly believe sitting here at this moment that i will continue to struggle. Why am i thinking like this?? Light at the end of the tunnel is not hitting my eyes just yet. Back to therapy in the New Year to really place all my demons on the table and to work through my self loathing and self esteem issues. Along with the need to understand and appreciate food again.
I wish to thank every single one of you whether you are new to the journey or have been following from the start. I am truly humbled by all the messages of support i receive. I just wish sometimes i could give you some positive news. However it is a daily struggle, i have good days and bad. One thing i will say is that i must recover or i will end up in hospital, i will then be no good to Number 1 in a capacity. I pray each night that i will wake up in the morning with the switch turned off as it were, and that i am back to normal but the reality of this prayer is that it will never happen.
Thank you again for the support. I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and New Year.
*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me.
Peace and Love