Just sitting in the coffee house enjoying 2 days off. Or is that trying to enjoy 2 days off?? Not sure? I have to admit the chilling out process has got a little easier since the start of my new job, i am fully aware that i need to rest considering the amount of time i spend at work these days. Its a funny thing to be fair. In some ways i crave the days off so i get to see Number 1 and do things that i need to catch up on housework etc…….. But still have this nagging desire to keep myself moving so that i don’t get “fat”. I know i know the body does not work like that but in the head of this particular guy that is how it works. Processes in the brain work in funny ways don’t they?? I guess its the same with any mental illness??
So here i am writing this just to get it all out of my head instead of letting it clutter up and send me crazy. Last 8 days at work have been manic and the amount of hours i have put in has been insane. Do not get me wrong i have enjoyed every minute of it although some times it has been stressful.
So where is “the voice”? He is back there conducting in his own little way. Whispering this and that. Contacting me on a daily basis just to let me know i cannot go to far. Haha this sounds like the ramblings of a mad man!!! I guess it is. However with anorexia i feel that this is what i have become. I have shown some pictures of myself to my new work colleagues of what i used to look like they all say like many who know me well that i looked better before. So why can i not see this?? I know i have asked this question many times in these blogs but i just cannot work it out. I look in the mirror and i see no fat face this is target achieved!!! But at what cost, i look at my body and see bones not a healthy body. So warped. I think to myself Matt you really need to stop this and put some weight on eat some stuff that is essential nourishment instead of “safe foods”. Then good old “voice” winds up the rhetoric. The conflict starts again until i am away from food. Utter madness. I think about treats and other food most of the day i cannot really get away from it when i wander around at lunch time and look at all the food court has to offer. Back in the day i would be going to these and enjoying different flavours and dishes. Now! Well its all about calorie content!!!!! Its the first thing i look at. What has this got in? What has that got in? The circle continues making me hate the things that are good for me.
I am dreading Christmas as i am sure i have mentioned. What should be a time for classic over indulgence is going to be a nightmare. Part of me wants to say “fuck it” lets make Christmas the turning point, lets eat what you like and to hell with the consequences (although what consequences?? there wont be any!!) As i write this i so desperately want to do it. Can i do it though??? This is what i mean when i said i think its a good idea sense has come to the surface. YES!!!! Then all of a sudden “the voice” wakes up and pulls me back from the brink as it were. I really wish i had the drive to recover as much as i had the drive to restrict. My restricting drive is so intense……. How can it be flipped? I wish i had the book of magic answers………………. Does it even exist???? There have been many searchers i am sure. Sadly i do not believe that it does. If it did we would all be walking around in continuous delirium not worrying about any of the day to day problems of life.
So with all this doubt flowing around the question surely has to be. How do i get and remain positive?? I have done some positive things since my admission of this problem many months ago now. I have stopped taking the pictures of myself, i no longer keep a diary of what i have eaten throughout the day. This has helped a little in respect i can no longer be comparing what i ate the day before or the week before. So what do i need to get rid of now? One of the biggest ones that i must get rid of is this calorie counting. I need to address it on several levels.
- I have to get rid of the fitness trackers that i have on me and turn on from the moment i wake until the moment i go to bed. Constantly checking what calories i have used throughout the day, how many steps i have taken.
- I must also stop looking at the calories in every single item of food i buy or see.
These 2 are very important i feel to separating myself from the ED. I mean these 2 i said in the very beginning of “getting fit” i would not calorie count…… yet here i am 2 years later ruled by the content of each and every single bit of food i eat.
On another level i have also thought about coming off social media. The amount of fitness related posts i receive on a daily basis is insane. I know there are various ways to get rid of these unwanted items but the minute i get rid of one another pops up in its place. Do not get me wrong i am sure some of these have a genuine message but for me i feel it just gives “the voice” ideas of how to torture me. I am not against fitness i would truly love to embrace fitness and sport the way i used to but i know that it will take time and patience for me to get back to that level. Those words again!!! TIME AND PATIENCE!
Right i am going to leave it there i think. Sorry for rambling just needed it out of my head.
*Dedicated as ever to those who are supporting me.
Peace and Love