My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. My new journey……………………..

Hey guys

Just sitting in the coffee house enjoying 2 days off. Or is that trying to enjoy 2 days off?? Not sure? I have to admit the chilling out process has got a little easier since the start of my new job, i am fully aware that i need to rest considering the amount of time i spend at work these days. Its a funny thing to be fair. In some ways i crave the days off so i get to see Number 1 and do things that i need to catch up on housework etc…….. But still have this nagging desire to keep myself moving so that i don’t get “fat”. I know i know the body does not work like that but in the head of this particular guy that is how it works. Processes in the brain work in funny ways don’t they?? I guess its the same with any mental illness??

So here i am writing this just to get it all out of my head instead of letting it clutter up and send me crazy. Last 8 days at work have been manic and the amount of hours i have put in has been insane. Do not get me wrong i have enjoyed every minute of it although some times it has been stressful.

So where is “the voice”? He is back there conducting in his own little way. Whispering this and that. Contacting me on a daily basis just to let me know i cannot go to far. Haha this sounds like the ramblings of a mad man!!! I guess it is. However with anorexia i feel that this is what i have become. I have shown some pictures of myself to my new work colleagues of what i used to look like they all say like many who know me well that i looked better before. So why can i not see this?? I know i have asked this question many times in these blogs but i just cannot work it out. I look in the mirror and i see no  fat face this is target achieved!!! But at what cost, i look at my body and see bones not a healthy body. So warped. I think to myself Matt you really need to stop this and put some weight on eat some stuff that is essential nourishment instead of “safe foods”. Then good old “voice” winds up the rhetoric. The conflict starts again until i am away from food. Utter madness. I think about treats and other food most of the day i cannot really get away from it when i wander around at lunch time and look at all the food court has to offer. Back in the day i would be going to these and enjoying different flavours and dishes. Now! Well its all about calorie content!!!!! Its the first thing i look at. What has this got in?  What has that got in? The circle continues making me hate the things that are good for me.

I am dreading Christmas as i am sure i have mentioned. What should be a time for classic over indulgence is going to be a nightmare. Part of me wants to say “fuck it” lets make Christmas the turning point, lets eat what you like and to hell with the consequences (although what consequences?? there wont be any!!) As i write this i so desperately want to do it. Can i do it though??? This is what i mean when i said i think its a good idea sense has come to the surface. YES!!!! Then all of a sudden “the voice” wakes up and pulls me back from the brink as it were. I really wish i had the drive to recover as much as i had the drive to restrict. My restricting drive is so intense……. How can it be flipped? I wish i had the book of magic answers………………. Does it even exist???? There have been many searchers i am sure. Sadly i do not believe that it does. If it did we would all be walking around in continuous delirium not worrying about any of the day to day problems of life.

So with all this doubt flowing around the question surely has to be. How do i get and remain positive?? I have done some positive things since my admission of this problem many months ago now. I have stopped taking the pictures of myself, i no longer keep a diary of what i have eaten throughout the day. This has helped a little in respect i can no longer be comparing what i ate the day before or the week before. So what do i need to get rid of now? One of the biggest ones that i must get rid of is this calorie counting. I need to address it on several levels.

  1. I have to get rid of the fitness trackers that i have on me and turn on from the moment i wake until the moment i go to bed. Constantly checking what calories i have used throughout the day, how many steps i have taken.
  2. I must also stop looking at the calories in every single item of food i buy or see.

These 2 are very important i feel to separating myself from the ED. I mean these 2 i said in the very beginning of  “getting fit” i would not calorie count…… yet here i am 2 years later ruled by the content of each and every single bit of food i eat.

On another level i have also thought about coming off social media. The amount of fitness related posts i receive on a daily basis is insane. I know there are various ways to get rid of these unwanted items but the minute i get rid of one another pops up in its place. Do not get me wrong i am sure some of these have a genuine message but for me i feel it just gives “the voice” ideas of how to torture me. I am not against fitness i would truly love to embrace fitness and sport the way i used to but i know that it will take time and patience for me to get back to that level. Those words again!!! TIME AND PATIENCE!

Right i am going to leave it there i think. Sorry for rambling just needed it out of my head.

*Dedicated as ever to those who are supporting me.

Peace and Love

Matt

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. My new journey……………………..

    1. Penny thank you for your comment and your concern. I do not really have anyone i can talk to really, as i do not have any friends or social circle. I have had counselling which helped but with my new job i have very little time at the moment to see and speak. Hopefully in the new year i can go back to counselling. I have thought about online support groups but if i am honest i am not really sure where to begin looking. I realise it is just a matter of a google search but i have a slight distrust of some sites. Stories you sometimes hear that people troll these sites to stir and cause distress. I admit i need help but my blog does help. As i have said before, getting it out of my head is therapy at the moment with so little time on my hands. I really appreciate your kind comments even though i barely know you.

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  1. I completely understand the struggle of having days off!I would book myself into every single available shift during my gap year and learned the hard way when I kept getting sick and burning out!

    You need to to rest,it’s hard at first but it gets easier.The key is to distract.Put on a film,read a book or sit and blog for a good hour,take a nap.As weird as it sounds to some it takes practice to learn how to chill out and relax after having an ED.

    Now Christmas is a very challenging time but it can also be a opportunity to really move forwards in recovery.You can really challenge your ED by facing fear foods,eating more than usual etc.Maybe come up with a plan for the day and ways which you can manage your anxiety after eating.

    In terms of help I suggest you check the Beat website,you can search for services in your area.I know ED therapists are a bit hit and miss but if you find the right one it can help tremendously.Another option is to go to the GP and ask for a referral.

    It makes me sad to hear you struggling,hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes i know rest is what i need. At the moment work is super super busy and i struggle to switch off. But i hope just getting this period out the way and i should be able to get focused. I just wish that the cogs would stop turning even for just a couple of hours some days. Just an absolute nightmare how the mind works.
      Thank you for your message i hope you are getting along ok???

      Liked by 1 person

  2. A break will come in January i reckon. Working in retail you cannot get any time off over this period. What do i like to do on my days off?? That is a tough one. I go and sit in the coffee house when my daughter is at school. I spend the morning doing house work first and trying to keep moving as much as possible. I then like i said go sit in coffee house have a cup of tea check my work emails and other bits to do with work, in between that i sit and look at blogs and try to construct a blog of my own to post. When i have a day off when my daughter is not at school i generally spend it with her we go out for days spend quality time together as i only see her a couple times a week. I find “the voice” is very distant when she is around. Sadly like i said i only see her couple times a week. I lead a very lonely life apart from that, i have no friends no social circle so i am very much alone with my thoughts most of the time. I am glad you are doing a bit better…….

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  3. Just saw your post on Naya’s blog party and thought of giving you a follow! I have been dealing with bulimia for the past year and I’m still not fully recovered,but it’s getting better, it’s so important to raise awareness, people don’t realise what a serious issue these are.. For the longest time I was even ashemed to talk about it!
    blushydarling.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the follow. I am sorry to hear you are having your own troubles with an ED. It is never nice and can feel like a very lonely existence. I hope you can work through and get better. If you ever wish to chat please do not hesitate to contact me. Awareness about ED’s are very important, these disorders can go last for many many years without being noticed. It could end up being to late to sort if left untreated. Never be ashamed to talk about it. It should be shared so that you can be directed to the correct help. I wish you luck on your journey. Once again many thanks for the follow. Matt

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