Hey guys. Hope you are all well?
I start this particular blog with an admission. I HAVE BEEN RESTRICTING PRETTY BAD since my last blog………………………… I wish to apologise for letting you all down. I ended the last blog by saying i do not know where this leaves me? I still do not know?
My working life is great, all but hectic and busy i just love it. I have met some wonderful people with whom i enjoy working with very much. The job is challenging and gives me a great sense of satisfaction when i finish the day. I cannot wait to get there in fact i turn up at least an hour early every day. The environment is always buzzing which is what i have longed for. I love the commute (some say that the enjoyment will wear off. I am not so sure??)
So why on earth have i slowly gone back to old habits that i have been fighting so hard to move away from? Surely the new job and atmosphere should have changed that by now??? Could it be that i am now trying to stay as i was because that is how i managed to land the position in the first place?? Do i dare to attempt to recover? If i do will they still think the same of me??? All these questions are bombarding my thoughts. Trouble is i am doing this restricting now as a matter of course? Have i subconsciously just given up and become “the voice”? Have i just set him free to roam and destroy all the hard work that i have done? I feel that the battle i am fighting is draining me, so is it better to just give up and accept that i am going to be like this forever? Typical Matt is what i am thinking (or is that “the voice”?) give up when the going gets tough? Why fight when you can have a quiet life???? A quiet life!!!!!!! How can it be quiet with all the conflict in my head. It is certainly not a quiet life!!!!!
I follow a blog called a fractured faith. I love and comment on virtually everything this man writes. Simply because he is a fantastic writer and has a wonderful way of constructing his posts. His posts are never the same. They have a wonderful flow about them too. Give them a read.
Now this blogger has written some fantastic pieces and has gained many many followers. He writes from the heart with great wisdom and wit in all his blogs. One that made me think very deeply was “Human Remains”. It deals with a multitude of things, its ending paragraphs are the ones that makes me think so so deeply about where i am going on my journey. I wish i was as brave as he is……………..
My guilt and shame continue as i reach the end of this little update on the journey. I am coming to the end of 8 days working straight. My next days off are Wednesday and Thursday this week. I have missed number 1 so very much and i cannot wait to see her. She has her school Christmas play this week, i am going on Tuesday before work to watch it. I make it my mission to attend everything she does at school. This year i have only missed parents evening last month. I was disappointed to miss it but my work shift did not allow me the time to go. However she received a good report so that more than made up for it. I am so very proud of how she coming along at school her reading, writing and maths are all good, she is very helpful too around the classroom such a great attitude to have. Like i said i very proud of her.
Right so that is it for this little update. Just letting you all know that i am still around although not having the greatest of success in the recovery at this moment. I still do not know what is causing me to restrict? Maybe i will never truly know????
I have reached 101 followers on the blog. Something that i never dreamed of getting. I wish to thank all of you for following and supporting me, i hope you will continue to accompany me on this journey.
*Dedicated to all those as ever who are supporting me.
Peace and Love