My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. My new journey……………………..

Hey guys. Hope you are all well?

I start this particular blog with an admission. I HAVE BEEN RESTRICTING PRETTY BAD since my last blog………………………… I wish to apologise for letting you all down. I ended the last blog by saying i do not know where this leaves me? I still do not know?

My working life is great, all but hectic and busy i just love it. I have met some wonderful people with whom i enjoy working with very much. The job is challenging and gives me a great sense of satisfaction when i finish the day. I cannot wait to get there in fact i turn up at least an hour early every day. The environment is always buzzing which is what i have longed for. I love the commute (some say that the enjoyment will wear off. I am not so sure??)

So why on earth have i slowly gone back to old habits that i have been fighting so hard to move away from?  Surely the new job and atmosphere should have changed that by now??? Could it be that i am now trying to stay as i was because that is how i managed to land the position in the first place?? Do i dare to attempt to recover? If i do will they still think the same of me??? All these questions are bombarding my thoughts. Trouble is i am doing this restricting now as a matter of course? Have i subconsciously just given up and become “the voice”? Have i just set him free to roam and destroy all the hard work that i have done? I feel that the battle i am fighting is draining me, so is it better to just give up and accept that i am going to be like this forever? Typical Matt is what i am thinking (or is that “the voice”?) give up when the going gets tough? Why fight when you can have a quiet life???? A quiet life!!!!!!! How can it be quiet with all the conflict in my head. It is certainly not a quiet life!!!!!

I follow a blog called a fractured faith. I love and comment on virtually everything this man writes. Simply because he is a fantastic writer and has a wonderful way of constructing his posts. His posts are never the same. They have a wonderful flow about them too. Give them a read.

http://afracturedfaithblog.wordpress.com/

Now this blogger has written some fantastic pieces and has gained many many followers. He writes from the heart with great wisdom and wit in all his blogs. One that made me think very deeply was “Human Remains”. It deals with a multitude of things, its ending paragraphs are the ones that makes me think so so deeply about where i am going on my journey. I wish i was as brave as he is……………..

My guilt and shame continue as i reach the end of this little update on the journey. I am coming to the end of  8 days working straight. My next days off are Wednesday and Thursday this week. I have missed number 1 so very much and i cannot wait to see her. She has her school Christmas play this week, i am going on Tuesday before work to watch it.  I make it my mission to attend everything she does at school. This year i have only missed parents evening last month. I was disappointed to miss it but my work shift did not allow me the time to go. However she received a good report so that more than made up for it. I am so very proud of how she coming along at school her reading, writing and maths are all good, she is very helpful too around the classroom such a great attitude to have. Like i said i very proud of her.

Right so that is it for this little update. Just letting you all know that i am still around although not having the greatest of success in the recovery at this moment. I still do not know what is causing me to restrict? Maybe i will never truly know????

I have reached 101 followers on the blog. Something that i never dreamed of getting. I wish to thank all of you for following and supporting me, i hope you will continue to accompany me on this journey.

*Dedicated to all those as ever who are supporting me.

Peace and Love

Matt

 

 

9 thoughts on “My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. My new journey……………………..

  1. We are here for you Matt. I know the voice and often it will attack when you are at your ‘happiest’ for that is when you are at your most vulnerable. It is a battle every day for me. Even now. Just fight it. Have you a friend you can speak to about this?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Choosing to recognize one’s weaknesses and demons lessen their power. Talking about it and actively improving upon one’s self is not cowardice, but an act of bravery. So well done on getting back up, and congrats on your 101 followers! – Matt @ The Degree of Man

    Liked by 1 person

  3. hi friend. first of all, i just wanted to point out that even when you apologize for letting your readers down if you are struggling, you have nothing to apologize for. you are letting nobody down, you have an illness, an eating disorder, as do i, and all i hope for you is that you realize that it is never a matter of letting anyone down, it is a matter of letting the freedom that you SO INHERENTLY DESERVE slip just ever farther away. so if you are going to apologize to anyone, it should be towards your kind soul. because you are the only one who, at the end of the day, will be hurt by your behaviors. i am here to support you, as are all of your other followers (because we genuinely genuinely hope so much for your full recovery and your life to be filled with light) but in the end it comes down to you. you can do this, friend. don’t apologize, just know the next small step and step through that fear into the unknown. towards hope. towards courage. towards recovery. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for your kind words. I realise i should be apologising to myself. However my brain does not work like that. I have massive issues with self believe and self worth, i only ever see myself as letting others down. It is one of the reasons that my life has taken this route. I am glad to have the support of everyone believe me. On the other side of the coin i do not want to let you all down

      Liked by 1 person

      1. my friend, i understand this thought pattern more than you will ever know. i have spent seven years of my life believing that i was not worthy of eating, of breathing, of existing. i believed i was a mistake. that there was something so inherently wrong with me that as long as i was still breathing, i deserved to be in constant pain. constant. but the thing is, there comes a time when you have to let go of those beliefs that no longer serve you. those beliefs only brought me UNIMAGINABLE DARKNESS, and so there came a day when i had to say “you know what, i don’t think i deserve to live but i am going to feed myself anyway. because maybe, just maybe, there’s more to this world that what i’ve experienced thus far”. and all i wish for you is for you to realize this same thing. 💙💙

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes you are right. I know that i have to create and fight. Sadly the fight is going out of me on occasions. I just seem to tread water and slowly start to sink. Scary thing is i am letting this happen and right now i do not care.

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