My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. My new journey……………………..

Well well well i am back. I am sorry it has been so long since my last post. I have been super busy at work. I sit here recovering from 9 days straight working.

During this 9 days Black Friday happened!!! All i can say is……phew that it is over. We ran out Black Friday promo from Wednesday to Tuesday evening. First couple of days went well, then we hit Friday itself!! Bedlam in store and all over the mall really with other stores of course doing the Black Friday themselves. I am not completely sure whether it is worth all the hype if i am honest. There are some genuine deals to be found i am not denying that but i think the majority of it is a gimmick. However we rolled on from Friday into the weekend and that was just major busy. I was doing long shifts. For example one of my shifts was 1pm-11pm on Saturday, a killer to be on my feet and rushing around at the best of times. But with head in the restricting zone i was really testing my limits of endurance……………..This testing is not quiet the recovery process i need to be following.

Over the 9 days i have been working, most of those have involved late nights. So the meal times i have been going to the safe food zone. Even though this is safe food i have been struggling with guilt every time i eat. I am not sure where this guilt has come from?? I should be fine in essence but i sit after eating and have a huge sense of guilt for actually eating something. I have even restricted on a few occasions i have even felt guilty for doing this…. So i am not even sure what my mind is doing at this moment in time. Does it want to recover? Or does it want to carry on like this?

Now i have been trying to follow the steps that i set out in my last blog. These were from a fellow ED sufferer. To read them and understand them is the easy part. To follow them and to implement them into my recovery has been very difficult. I am so focused some days to make a change that i feel maybe i am overthinking and that i might be to meticulous in mapping out the recovery. I have thought a lot about just going against my head being the rebel! Can i do it??? I don’t think i can? I have become to regimented in this part of my life. I just feel i cannot dig myself out of the rut as it were. I am scared for change…….. This however raises another question though? How can i be scared of change? I took a massive step by changing jobs!!! It just does not make sense??? One day just one day it will all be relative and i will look back on this period in my life and think what on earth was i thinking???

So where does this leave me? I honestly do not know???

I am going to leave it here as i am not sure what else to write…………………………. Sorry guys if this has been a confusing and pointless read. You should be in my head trying to work this stuff out!!!!!!!

*Dedicated to those who are supporting me.

Peace and Love

Matt

8 thoughts on “My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. My new journey……………………..

  1. Hi Matt. It was great to learn about how your new job is going. It’s THAT time of year, so it sounds like you are keeping up with the pace. Good for you! So our son went to a wilderness therapy program in Utah when he was using and putting himself in great jeopardy. Clearly, you are an adult and are level-headed and rational, but I’m wondering if some sort of a “shake-up” experience might be helpful for you. This doesn’t have to be a wilderness therapy camp, but perhaps volunteering with disenfranchised youth, volunteering at an animal shelter, or something you wouldn’t normally do. This has the potential to shake up your life and thought patterns in positive ways. Please know that I mention this only because this “shake-up” experience worked for our son. Perhaps tapping into the love and empathy that you innately have will help you to be easier on yourself. I write this with a positive intention, and truly hope that my words are helpful in some small way.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your comment. You raise a very interesting point it has to be said. I think it is something i can look into. Although i am not sure how committed i can be with my work shifts etc. I know that sounds like a i am trying to back out of it as it were, but the case is that my shift pattern at work is very erratic on some weeks so something like that would be very difficult. When i do something i like to commit myself 100%. Plus i cherish the time i get to spend with my daughter. Your words have been helpful do not think that i am throwing your words back at you they are still positive words. For you to take the time to write to me and suggest these things means more than i can ever say. Thank you

      Liked by 2 people

  2. When one falls in love with your words, you
    feel like one is getting to know you.
    And I hope that your words can help one
    out of their troubles or lead them to
    make the right decisions. If you write
    about what hurts, I hope they can see
    how you deal with it and learn. If you write
    about what they love, I hope they can
    relate it to what they love and develop
    your passions. You inspire us
    with every word that you write.
    May God bless you and your family

    Liked by 1 person

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