Well we have reached September!! Year is flying by…….
Hope you guys are well?
Sunday sees me back here again, giving you an update of my journey so far. If you have stuck with it from the beginning then may i just take this opportunity to thank you for reading and for your support.
I have been struggling to fill this weeks blog as i have had no appointments with my eating disorders team. I am however seeing my private therapist weekly which is of great help to me. As stated before i am not really going to discuss what is said between the two of us as i do not want these meetings out in the public domain. All i will say at this point is that “the voice” is being addressed and i am working hard to make him quieten down…………………………..
Monday was a bank holiday in the UK and having nothing better to do as Number 1 had gone away i went into work for a few hours. Mad on a bank holiday i realise that, but i have nothing else interesting to fill my time at the moment. I need to keep my brain active and to not let it be taken over by bad thoughts. I arrived at 8.30am and got on with what i needed to do. Clearing windows and tidying up the remnants of the sale. It’s quite nice to be in store with no distractions just getting on and making a dent into the tasks without stopping for customers and deliveries. Sadly at just gone midday i had finished what i needed to do. Now the fun began. “The voice” decided it was very very bored and decided to start playing games!! Thoughts ranging from exercise to planning what i was to eat for the next few days. I was staying at Number 1’s house to look after the dogs and of course the hamster…….. Now being on my own gave “the voice” the opportunity to be extra bullying. “Lets do this, lets do that, lets not do this” etc………. I shut up the shop and drove over to the next town to get a refund on an item i had bought a week ago from a store. I was desperate to keep the mind active so “the voice” did not give me too much grief. After i sorted the refund i had a look around some clothes shops. Now this is something i absolutely love…or i used to. As i wandered round looking at all the pieces depression set in. I picked up various items that i like the look of and the realisation hit me full in the face……. EVERYTHING IS TO BIG!!!! These items were small in size but i knew full well that if i tried them on they would be hanging off me. T-shirts, shirts, knitwear, jeans, shorts, trousers, jackets, suits even!!!!!!!!! You would think this realisation would force the change, fuck me! (excuse the language) it should do. “The voice” however has very different ideas. All i hear from him is “well you can stick that idea up your arse. All your clothes look great on you as you are.” The fight and conflict had started. I had to get out of the shop and quick!!!!!! Now for someone who is as in love with fashion as i am this is disastrous. I should not be in this position, although saying that the fashion industry has always had this reputation for giving an unrealistic view of the human body. From waver thin models walking the runways to magazine articles and pictures of celebrities etc…….. The obsession of the perfect look as it were???? Have i bought into this ideal too???????? This question has dominated my week and maybe i have indeed bought into this much to the detriment of my health.
Another piece of the puzzle which i have looked into is the fitness side of things. I joined the gym, started to get fit and lose weight etc. I read many articles on social media regarding the perfect workouts and diets etc. As i said in one of my earliest blogs i only ever set out to get to lose a bit of weight get toned etc. I never set out to be the calorie obsessed freak that i have now become. However the more i read the more obsessed i got. I had to buy into this ideal too. I was looking and taking far to much notice. Each day another fad diet another food that should be cut out to maintain a healthy body flashed up on social media or in my inbox. I read and excuse the pun i digested and believed everything it told me. Another on the list of triggers??? Quite possibly……………
The rest of the day was a blur if i am honest i retreated to the coffee house to try and lift the fog but it was not leaving me anytime soon. I have isolated myself so much that i just cannot get any positive thoughts in my head. Social interaction zero. Depression and anxiety around food. Yes this is all my doing. I have known it for a while now but i firmly believe now is the time for me to move on to a new phase, new location, fresh surroundings, new challenge. I have a strong idea of where i want to be, i need to get better though. Surely that is your motivation right there to get better i hear you shout….. Yes you are 100% right. However “the voice” has a few different ideas at the moment…………………………..
Tuesday work as normal. Window dressers in store putting the new Fall window display in. As usual i spent the morning picking the outfits that were to go in. Busy is best for me as we all know by now.
Wednesday was day off. With Number 1 still away i had absolutely no idea how i was going to fill my afternoon. The morning was sorted haircut first thing housework at Number 1’s, then back to mine to for more housework. After this i met up with our alteration lady from work for tea (well she had coffee), we chatted for a couple of hours about how i was getting on with things and how i was feeling. It was nice to have that bit of social interaction which i talked about. I dropped her off home just after 1 and just drove to the next town again. The day was horrendous weather wise but i thought well better than going crazy lets have another go at looking around the shops. Surprisingly i done a little better than Monday. I wandered round looking at various bits and pieces other than clothes i did not fancy going back to Monday’s thoughts at all. The trip was a success i needed cheering up so i treated myself to some new fragrance. I also bought a pair of shoes from a little independent boutique which is run by a guy i used to work with many years ago. We had a nice chat as i was trying them on. I pleased that he is doing so well for himself.
Thursday to Saturday was work as. Friday evening after work was appointment with my therapist. This weeks session was better and more comfortable than last week. But like i said i have to talk about things i am not comfortable with, it is part of the process.
Sunday spending the day with Number 1, so all was good with the world. (Or was it?) I picked her up and as we drove i listened to what she had been up to for the week whilst she was away. She sounded like she had so much fun which was good. We spent the day at one of her favourite places, a local petting farm near to us. “The voice” was not heard for most of the day……. a first for a very very long time. I had still followed a restrictive diet throughout the day however. I had no thoughts of wanting to steer away from my safe foods. Although after dropping Number 1 back home he decided to just let me know that he was still around, and congratulate me for not wanting to “treat” myself. “You are finally seeing it the way your life should be mate” He felt like he was saying to me. I am actually scared at this point about the amount of control he has over me. I mean is this really how my life is to be run, am i happy for it to be run like this??? The answer at the moment is yes!! Why?? I have no clue? What sort of life am i leading where i restrict and have so much order that i can never just let my hair down and enjoy life?? I am so very physically and mentally tired these days i just do not have an answer to any of those questions.
I sit here on this Sunday night wondering if this shall be my last post. I am wondering if it makes any difference? Am i helping anyone? Does anyone actually read it and understand what it is i am actually going through or do people just read it just to be nosy? Again another load of questions that i do not even know the answer to? Maybe one day i will have some answers………………………..
*Dedicated to those who are supporting me.
Peace and Love