Welcome to Sunday.
Hope you have all had a good week?
Just a little carry on and update from Wednesday. For those who read Wednesday, the first part of the week was spent worrying about my appointment with the dietitians. Turns out i needn’t have worried so much. But into the unknown etc…… all part of the journey, going down unknown paths……………
So onto the rest of the week. I have been trying to keep my focus on sticking to the tasks set by my eating disorders doctor. This is proving difficult. It is tough to describe? I feel a sense of slipping away as each day passes by having completed the tasks.
I guess it is a feeling of slipping into a new routine. The routine of getting better! Having been stuck in this routine and downward spiral for so long now, adjusting to this is very scary. I feel a loss of control by completing these daily tasks for the last 2 weeks. Now this is the only way i can explain. Maybe its not clear? (I can tell you it is not clear in my head).
Now control is an important word with my eating disorder. I need to have this control to cope with the eating which dictates my life. This disorder is not like a diet where you control your weight. This disorder has control over my whole life. I have a very bland food regime. There are only certain foods that i will eat now. These are my go to foods. My go to foods are eaten at the same time everyday. If i deviate from this regime i will then have to purge to get back on track. See what i mean about it controlling my life? Every bit of food i put in my mouth is like torture to me. I even know the exact calories in these foods.
Thursday, Friday and Saturday were spent back at work. I am still on the whole not sitting down for lunch. I just want to be on the go as much as i can. My body wants to rest and take that break. However the brain has this continued cycle of thoughts that are not letting me. The voice in my head is telling me that this recovery is not for me. Twisted i know! The voice is telling me to get up and get moving again, sitting is making you gain weight, go look at that fat face get rid of it we haven’t got time to sit around. Just a massive bully in my ear that i cannot seem to shake. The voice is just another thing i need to take control of. This voice has taken every bit of enjoyment out of my life for nearly 2 years now. For once i would love to eat something or look forward to a meal without having to think about the consequences that will inevitably come and haunt me for hours even days after………………
This voice has been prevalent this week. Basically Sunday as ever is spent with Number 1. But i have also been organising a surprise meal for my Mum. It is her birthday on Tuesday and her brothers and sister have long complained that they hardly ever get to speak to her on the phone let alone see her these days. She is always working. This is very true she is always working i am lucky to see her some days. Now what i did was to get her 2 brothers and their wives and her sister (who i went to stay with) to all be around on Sunday for a surprise lunch. I also arranged with her work for her shifts to be covered for the rest of the day after she had completed her morning shift. This they done for me. As far as she was concerned she was going for lunch with myself and Number 1. In reality before we turned up at the restaurant i told her that she had the rest of the day off as work had covered her shifts, she was very surprised by this which really pleased me. Part 1 passed. Part 2 was at the restaurant. We arrived and climbed the stairs to our table. As she came round the corner all her family were there to greet her. Her face was a picture! Total shock and surprise she burst into tears bless her, if i’m honest i had a tear in my eye too. Part 2 passed………
Now this is where it gets selfish and i hate myself for this. The voice as i said has been prevalent mainly due to the fact that i was to eat a “proper meal”. This is what i am on about, all i want is to be able to have this meal without the guilt flowing. It has been flowing since Wednesday evening when i was finalising the menu with the restaurant. I just wanted things to be perfect for Mum, but the voice was also bullying me. Questioning how i am going to cope with the change of routine? Truth is i was not coping at all. I had been thinking about the menu and how i can tailor it for every one yet still have an element of control for myself. Easier said than done. I was purging too, saving myself because i knew that i was potentially going to eat more than i should. I almost considered cancelling at one point because i just thought it was impossible, however i pulled myself together just enough to say no to the voice, this is for my Mum not for me. The morning lead up was tough. I kept myself busy by going shopping with Number 1. We grabbed cards and presents along with a happy birthday banner and some balloons. We took them to the restaurant which so happens to be the coffee house where i seek my solace. See what i mean? Control. We had our usual cup of tea and wrote the cards out and the proceeded to put the banner and balloons up. After completing this it was time to go home and get ready to meet Mum to go back up. As i said Mum was very surprised and this pleased me that the plan had worked. Next up was the big test for me….. The meal itself. I managed a bit of my starter and took it very easy on the main. Carbs were around and the voice was shouting loud at me. I am not proud but i managed to manoeuvre to just eating my go to foods somehow without being noticed. Just ridiculous i was thinking as i sat watching everyone including Number 1 not having a care in the world about what they were putting in their mouths, this is how i should be. But the voice as i said was marching through my brain shouting you’re going to get fat. The fat face will be back before you even finish the meal! As i said i managed to get through and was relieved when it was dessert time. I was having fruit salad. I could finally look at this normally after all it was healthy. The rest of the day has been the voice chastising me for what i have done. Again it is dragging me towards the dark corner which i am attempting to get out of. It is telling me i now have to purge for the next couple of days, if i am honest i am not completely sure what is going to happen. Will i have the carb at lunch? Will i have the orange juice? Will i cut out food altogether until i feel i have satisfied my guilt? At this moment i cannot give an answer. It is a sad view to have but it is one that i cannot let go of. I am being pulled from pillar to post as i write this because i know that what i am doing is wrong. Until i get control of the voice i am afraid that this is how it is going to be………………………….
I have an appointment on Tuesday with my eating disorders doctor where all this will be discussed no doubt…………………………
Where is the next turning? I do not know…………………….
*Dedicated to those who are supporting me.
Peace and Love