My name is Matt Christian and i have an eating disorder. The journey………..

Well hello from Sunday.

It has flown around again. Hope you guys are well?

Fresh from the midweek update, i was a little stuck on what to add from Wednesday onwards. This is mainly due to the fact my life at this moment is very routine.

I have a meeting with the eating disorders doctor on Monday, which i am sure i will blog about midweek…….So back to the rest of the week. As some of you who read the midweek update know i have been given 3 steps from the eating disorders doctor, plus a further 3 steps from the psychological doctor.

Now quick refresh:

Eating Disorders Steps

1. Carbs with a least one meal

2. At least one glass of fruit juice

3. Stop taking pictures/body checking.

Reporting back to her as i will be, i am pleased to say that all 3 have been fulfilled since Monday.  Now a massive hurdle has been overcome here. However the guilt that comes with step number 1 still follows me! This is having an effect on step 3. Although i have stopped taking the pictures, i am still finding myself drawn to checking the mirror. As we all know for myself Carbs = Fat Face, Weight Gain etc……… What a lovely circle i have created for myself. Troubling for my mind and well being. I have to be strong and i feel i have been so far.  I understand that as i have said before that there will be a few slips on the way but i am still in punishment mode. I get very angry when i find myself looking and analysing trying to change angles so that i am happy with what i see.

Now 2 psychological steps that have to take until my next appointment have proved very very difficult for me.

Quick refresh

1. Everyday say something positive to myself whether it be in my head or out loud

2. Think about the positive things people say to me throughout a day. Do not just dismiss them and turn them negative. Use them to move forward, take them on board.

I lasted 2 days of saying something positive and 1 day thinking about positive things people say to me. For some reason i just cannot be positive to myself or accept positive comments from anyone. This i am very ashamed of, all the people who give me positive feedback i feel i am letting down. I am apologising to you all here and now, it is not as though i do not appreciate your messages of support because i do but i cannot take these on board and move forward with them at the moment. Such a nightmare. Believe me though i will make it up to all of you one day……….

The rest of the week from Wednesday on wards was pretty standard. Thursday i was deep in depression, i had the 2 appointments running through my head like a monologue from a film. I found it very difficult to concentrate. I am not 100% sure how i managed to get through the day without actually screaming. However i did make it as i do everyday. First full day of steps and i managed them all. Lunch has been designated as carb time. Every bite of the roll was pure hell. Who would have thought eating a roll would be such a traumatic experience. I have sought solace in reading a bit of the literature that was given to me on Monday. This has helped to a certain degree, it is all about getting it into my head and making myself believe it. One day soon hopefully!

Friday was busy at work deliveries and preparing for the Saturday were the order of the day. Of course along with serving customers. I managed one positive thing to say to myself when i got up and proceeded to get on with my day. At the moment the steps feel like burdens. That may sound strange but it is the only way i can describe them. I sincerely hope as the days go by that will become ingrained in my psyche and they will become part of me. One day at a time is what i have to remember. This is not an over night fix……….

Saturday another work day and we were flat out. Short staffed due to holidays and sickness. All hands to the pump, i did not stop all day i somehow managed to grab lunch whilst on the go, not the best idea for someone in my condition i know but i felt i had to do it as we were so short staffed. Towards 3pm i was dangerously close to fainting, dizziness and fatigue were hitting me hard, i even got confused with a customers quotation on hire wear. After all i had not had anything to eat since my breakfast porridge. In between customers and going to grab things for customers i grabbed and nibbled on bits of my lunch. I am pleased to say through all his i still managed my carb intake. Through all this the guilt of the carb was still hitting me….. I was secretly glad i was on the move whilst eating, it felt as though all the calories were flying off. Oh yes even though i have not exercised in weeks the thought of getting rid of them are still prominent for me. Eventually the day finished, i retreated to the coffee house for a cup of tea and to sit down, first time i had all day. It felt good to just sit and do nothing for an hour. This is something that i have not been able to enjoy for well over a year or more. Once i finished the tea i made my way off to visit our alteration lady,  i had to drop some urgent alterations off that were needed for Monday. I was invited in and had my orange juice intake at hers. We chatted for a bit on how i was getting on with things, the start of my sessions and how i was coping with the steps etc…. Its good to talk as they say. Still feel sometimes that i am burden to people when they ask how i am there always seems to be a tale of woe for the next 30 minutes. Paranoid?? Possibly but i am well aware of how i sound sometimes, especially on here…….

After an awful nights sleep i awoke feeling run down and tired, but a day with Number 1 lay ahead!!! I was determined to make up for last Sunday where i missed seeing her. We spent the day embracing nature. There is a lovely area near me call Beeleigh, i am pretty sure i have mentioned this place before?  Number 1 suggested we take a stroll around the area looking at the wildlife and exploring the place properly. It was a beautifully warm and sunny day so where better to spend it than outdoors exploring and having quality time together. We took walks to look at the horses and their babies which roam in a field near the lock they have there, we took in the falls which are a major feature of the area, along with wooded areas and small hidden away little alcoves. We found a particularly beautiful spot and set up camp as it were. We played for a couple of hours a little game she was making up as she went along such a great imagination she has makes me so proud. We eventually took a break and went the short distance up town to the coffee house to grab a drink and her customary cup of marsh mellows which she has been having everytime we go in for as long as i can remember. We spent the time at the coffee house doing the usual messing around laughing and joking. Number 1 came up with a novel way of eating her marsh mellows which tickled both of us. I have not laughed so much in a long long time. We lunched a little late, me still watching and counting the calories as ever. This obsession is not going to disappear over night i realise that, but my god is it annoying!!!! After lunch we discussed what to do for the remainder of the time we had left. She wished to return to Beeleigh………So that is exactly what we did. We made our way back to the little spot we had found and continued the game into the late afternoon. As the day drew to an end i knew i had to get Number 1 home, after all school tomorrow and she needed to have a bath and get set for bed. We drove home laughing and joking as had been the pattern of the day. Always in the back of my mind the feelings i get whenever i drop her home.

I bid goodbye to Number 1 and told her i would see her Wednesday which without wishing time away cannot come soon enough. As i drove home my thoughts diverted to the week ahead. I have a meeting with the eating disorders doctor on Monday. The inevitable weigh in and the continuation of the treatment plan and steps. Maybe more steps will be added who knows? I do have a few questions which i wish to raise with her about my steps this week, hopefully she will provide some insight which i feel i need to continue on my journey. These are mainly to put my mind at ease. We will see…………

So we have ended this weeks journey. I have mixed feelings on this week. I am pleased i have stuck to the 3 steps that were set by the eating disorders doctor. Progress has been made although it small. I am frustrated that i cannot get along so well with psychological side of the treatment. I did think the steps i agreed to were achievable but as i said earlier i have really struggled with them. Maybe the turn of a new week things may change? Who knows? We can only but see what each day brings…………………………..

*Dedicated to all those who are supporting me through this journey.

Unitl next week people, stay healthy.

Peace and Love

Matt

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