Hey guys. Hope your week has been good?
So after last weeks admission i thought i would give you a quick update on the journey i am embarking on. As many of you know i have an eating disorder. I have what is called Exercise Bulimia. (Please refer to my last blog for full explanation)
It has been a very tough week this week. I made my condition public on social media too and i have been overwhelmed by the messages of support i have received from many people. I am truly humbled.
As i said it has been a very tough week. Emotions running high and low. A huge desire to get back to working out which is not the best thing for me right now. I do have an appointment with a counsellor on Tuesday. This appointment cannot come fast enough in my eyes. I need to get talking and to really get to the route of the problem. I have fallen from the wagon a few times this week it has to be said. Sunday after dropping Number 1 home a huge wave of depression engulfed me and i got on my bike and cycled 17 miles! Utter madness! I just rode and rode, all i could think of was to burn the calories that i had accumulated during the day, the fact that i had hardly eaten anything which was beside the point. Tuesday i fell again. A tough day at work left me very down i got home and just stood in my bedroom totally lost, not knowing what to do with myself. I got changed and went out on the bike yet again, this time only 14 miles!! Only!!
Let me explain a little of what is going through my head. My reasoning, my thinking, how i see things at this moment in time. Basically i feel as though i will gain weight if i sit down or stand still. I count every calorie i eat, i watch every calorie i burn during the day. I have a step counter on my phone I also have a calorie counter too, working out how much i am burning throughout the day. I work out how much i need to get rid off to stay as i am or if i feel i have indulged a little too much then i need to lose it before i do anything else. I sound mad i know!! I tell myself that every day but it just part of the condition at the moment i guess. It is an obsession. I know i need to put weight on, but at this moment in time i’m scared to. I am still half in the zone of thinking there is nothing wrong with me. It scares the hell out of me, if i carry on as i am i WILL end up in hospital or worse.
Along side this the depression is quite bad now. Some days are a constant battle to stay positive i feel very lost. I have a huge desire to run away i realise this is pointless, my mind comes with me wherever i go. Facing up to this is what i need to do and follow it through no matter how hard it gets. I went to a friends birthday party last night, i was so nervous and anxious about going knowing that the majority of the people knew what i was going through. I did not stay that long i had had a very busy day at work on top of everything else going through my head i was just drained. I turned up and was so shocked at the reception i got from people the supportive words, the hugs and pats on the back it really opened my eyes to the realisation that i was not confronting this alone. I did feel awkward talking about things because this was a celebration and the last thing i wanted to do was to bring people down, thankfully they all put my mind at ease. Like i said i did not stay long and after saying my goodbyes i returned to my car with a tear in my eye. I feel very lucky to have the support of these people.
Today a new day, was of course spent with Number 1 we went to a small animal petting farm just on the outside of my town. We had a fantastic day, we fed the animals, Number 1 had a picture taken with a few beautiful birds of prey. As i watched her play my mind was in overdrive. We had taken a picnic which we enjoyed in the sun, i am however still counting the calories of everything i eat which is something i am desperate to stop doing, but as i was told last night 1 day at a time little steps. This is of course true but being as impatient as i am i know that this is the correct way. Talking of little steps towards the end of the day i treated us to an ice cream. Who knew that something which many take for granted could cause my head to almost explode. I did and i did not enjoy the ice cream, i fought the urge not to drop it by “accident”. I cannot do this in front of number 1 she cannot see me weaken was the thought running thorough my head. I finished it thankfully and was glad i did. However still nagging in the back of mind was the issue of exercising so that the calories were not in my body to long. As i drove home after dropping Number 1 off the anxiety was sky rocketing, my mind in over drive how can i get rid of the ice cream calories so that i could have some dinner? There was only one way i feel ashamed and angry with myself!!! I went and cycled 9 miles! I did not need to do this but its my head leading me. I am desperate to get this under control i am not sure how many times i shall fall as i battle to get this under control.
So as i enter a new week having no idea what is in store, i post this blog as a testament that admitting you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery. It will not be easy as you can see. However if you have people around you for support it certainly does help. I felt i had no support when i first realised i had a problem. How wrong i was. Reach out you may well be surprised. I for one certainly was. I thank all those for their messages of support.
This blog is dedicated to each and everyone of them.
Until next week. Stay healthy people.
Peace and Love